Making other people feel better

[#1]

I'm curious to know if anyone else experiences this? Many people tell me that cancer must have changed the way I see life. The usual comment is, "You must really feel lucky. It really must change your perspective on everything". I know that they are implying that I must feel really fortunate and I don't "sweat the small stuff" anymore. There are many days I do feel this. I am so lucky to be here today! Yet there are also days where I want to reply, " Yes, cancer has changed me; for the worst. I don't have my old body, I struggle to walk, I live with the fear of it coming back, the 3 monthly check ups are horrible, I can't have children, I am disbaled. No, I don't feel lucky." I know that is not what they want to hear and it would make them uncomfortable, so I tell them I'm great and yes I am a different person. Why do I sometimes lie to make them feel better?

[harker]

Because you are not a selfish person Because you don't want to expose yourself to suit other people's whims Because you know better but it's not up to you to tell them Because it can happen to them anytime...as you well know Because you have a life Because you are a selfish person Because you don't feel lucky today Because Because Because the calm interior you possess unsettles them and they blurt

[Jules2]

Hiya Ruby, I used to get that with my last cancer. It is life changing to be diagnosed with cancer and as you say not always in a good way. People simmply dont like to face that and it is akin to an intial diagnosis when people cant talk to the person diagnosed. It is like it is too much for them to deal with and yet we are the ones dealing? Often it is the cancer patient who has to be the strongest and the most forgiving/understanding at times too.

[samex]

But the calm interior hides the fear, Harker. What I find the hardest even now, is that so many other people close to me haven't caught on that I have changed and that the three monthly fear is real. Yes, I too lie Ruby to avoid the confrontation of the truth to some extent. And I thnak goodness that I found this site! S

[AmandaC]

Its amazing how many of us feel this, its exhausting making everyone else feel great about what you've experienced and where your at. We all live this double life so to speak, especially because people assume treatment is over...its all done and dusted. My respone to the "your so lucky" call is, " i am greatful that I have lived, but lucky would be to have never had cancer at all". Especially hate when completely healthy people with no serious life problems say it. Hope your feeling a little better today. XX Amanda

[harker]

Yes Samex, the calmness can be accompanied by fear and others might not see that. I see what you mean Amanda, though I hadn't realised it until you mentioned it. Is this what's happening: I'm healthy, this person isn't so I feel guilty so I need to find something that alieviates my guilt whenever I'm with them so I'll say to that person 'you're lucky for having a deeper understanding' that means I don't feel guilty any more because I'm missing out on the deeper understanding whatever that means Just a thought! H

[Sailor]

Hi Ruby Yes - to quote a poem by 'Artist In Recovery' - if she will forgive me for doing so without permission. The sun still shines
 and the world still turns because
 cancer doesn’t change anything except for those unfortunate few who
 know that
 cancer changes everything. I didn't think that I had changed much, until my son, who has a lot of problems, quietly said to me "Dad, you have changed". When I read the stories of peoples cancer experience, change is a common theme. Some years ago I interviewed a number of people, and many of them didn't think they had changed, then proceeded to say, in some detail, how they had changed. Interestingly a common theme was increased tolerance, 'being prepared to put up with the turkeys' is one comment I had. Like you, I consider myself fortunate to be here, but I do not regard the cancer experience as 'being lucky'. There is a typo in your comment and I think it is wonderful. I think you meant to write 'disabled' but you have coined the term 'disbaled' and that is exactly how I feel sometimes. Instead of being all trussed up like a bale of hay, the twine has been cut and I am more free than I used to be - I am disbaled. Cheers Sailor We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now. Martin Luther King Jr

[harker]

How good is that, Sailor. Very nice. I feel 'disbaled ' too. I'm sure Ruby did it deliberately, testing your linguistic skills, a test you passed with flying colours - sorry, ensigns. But. And. Whatever, I don't think that I'm more tolerant now compared to BC. Maybe I am aware that I do feel frustrated and that awareness in new. But I don't feel I 'rise above' things emotionally. Maybe I do in what I choose to talk about, read about, share (like here). But I still feel that turkeys really are turkeys and I'd rahter get away than stay and show how tolerant I mam. OK, a bit arrogant too, but there you are. H