Thought I was moving on

[Allicat]

Today I drove past the park where I was the evening before I found out I had cancer. It really bugged me. I am not sure why as I have driven past that park plenty of other times since. Usually I drive by and don't even notice but today it made me remember. I was thinking just the other day that my cancer is now something that is in the past. That I was finished with it. So, it annoyed me that it can still come back to bite me when I'm not expecting it. I had a cold last week, which was the first time I had been sick since I had cancer. I think that stirred up some sort of emotional response. I stayed home in bed for 2 days whereas in the past I would have gone to work anyway. I'm trying to think of that as a good thing but I'm a bit confused about it all.

[SILLY]

I reckon it is good that you stayed home from work to look after yourself. I also think that no matter what, the thoughts of cancer will pop up from time to time. The way you react is probably what's more important. Each time you may find you handle it better. You can't deny a reality but you can face it differently. My thoughts only.

[Allicat]

You're right - cancer was a significant thing that happened to me so sometimes unexpected thoughts of it will pop up. Now that I am mainly past it, it all seems so amazing to me that it happened. I had cancer! Me! That's more unbelievable now that it was when I was going through it. I guess the next step is learning to be able to remember it without reliving it. That's a line from The West Wing when Josh was being counselled for PTSD which has always stuck with me. Thank you for your thoughts Silly. Yesterday I was having a bit of a meltdown. I think it will take a few days to get my head back in a reasonable place but I think I will be able to.

[SILLY]

I forgot to add that I still think you are moving on. I don't think I will ever have a day without thinking about mine as it will recur or metastesise but I don't feel like I'm not moving on. I am moving on but only taking lollypop steps . I think if non-cancer people knew how much I thought about it they would think I am obsessed. I don't care because that's my way. I am not worried,just ever aware . All the best,new friend. When were you diagnosed?I think you said one year since treatment but I'm not sure when it began for you.

[Allicat]

I was diagnosed and had 2 surgeries in October 2010, chemo from November 2010 to February 2011. Surgery again in April & August 2011. Finished hospital visits for a drug via drip every third Thursday in January 2012. I find it confusing as to which of these dates mark the end of treatment. Also, I still take a tablet every night and have an injection every four weeks. But, it is just over a year since chemo which was the major treatment so that's what I say for when I finished treatment. I used to sometimes make an effort to not mention cancer for a whole day. I generally didn't manage it. But, I only just remembered doing that as I was typing this - I think I manage it quite often now without even trying. Though I still probably think of it everyday. When were you diagnosed? Do you have on-going treatment?

[SILLY]

If you had surgeries in 2011 to me that is treatment going on .The injections sound like treatment to me also. Are these injections to prevent possible recurrences ? I think you are doing remarkably well . I was diagnosed in February 2010 and had surgery in April and radiation in June and July that year. There is no chemo yet found to work on this cancer but individuals with recurrences are being treated with various different drugs ,some with some success. I have 4 monthly checks with my ENT/surgeon and my rad/onc.I have MRIs before some of these appointments. My gp also recently sent me for a chest xray and I have no metasteses in the lungs. I am well really ,just living with the effects of surgery and radiation.

[Sunshine006au]

You are both such amazing women,I wish you both all the happiness in the world xxx

[Allicat]

Thanks Sunshine006au! Silly, the monthly injection is to turn my ovaries off, which reduces oestrogen, which reduces the chance of recurrance. While this has some downsides, on the positive side it means no periods for 5 years so woo hoo for that! That's good news that your lungs are clear. The monitoring sounds a bit tiring but hopefully it means they'll catch anything early if it does recur. When I went for my first follow-up mammogram and ultrasound I had a hard time not crying which surprised me as I was not conscious of being worried about it. Today I went to work and had quite a good day. Had to catch up on things from last week when I was away so I was busy and the day went quickly. In the evening I went to a support group dinner. I'm not good at groups of people so I never say much but it was good just being there and listening to the others.

[SILLY]

I think that working must help keep you on an even keel. Keep on moving on .I think you are doing well. It's good that you are having preventative treatment. And that 5 year thing sounds good,saves money and bother.(you know what I mean).

[maddie86]

i can still remember when my fiance then boyfriend told me he had cancer.. it was like a sick joke or a nightmare i expected to wake up from.. i remember everything i did that night, before he told me.. i guess its like when your really sick and you eat something and you vomit you never want to eat that thing ever again... i dont think anyone can ever really 'move on' but learn to live with the cancer experience.. cancer is a life changing event... dont be to hard on yourself 🙂

[SILLY]

I think learning to live with it is a way of moving on.

[Allicat]

Today I went to the GP for some scripts and since I was there he gave me a free flu shot. Apparently I qualify as some sort of vulnerable person who gets free flu shots. I liked the fact that this didn't bother me - I don't feel like I am a vulnerable person but I accept that I meet whatever criteria it is. Even better than that was when he asked me which arm he was allowed to use it took me a moment to remember what he meant, and another moment to remember which was the good arm. As he said, that showed that clearly all the injections and drips I've had in my arm were not weighing heavily on my mind. Thanks for your comment Maddie - I see what you mean. I remember sitting in the waiting room at the hospital with the only worry in my mind the fact that I was going to be late for work and then a minute later being told I had cancer.

[glenys48woods]

Hi Maddie86, If you want to have info I have been reading a book and it's called "after cancer a guide to your new life." It has helped me out a lot. I have it from Breacan which is in the city. Glenys 0