Blogs - Page 118

This blog entry was a little bit different. I wrote down lyrics from one hundred different songs that I would often listen to when I was doing treatment. I found music to be pretty therapeutic during chemo. http://www.thecancerstory.com/2011/12/part-23-when-words-fail-music-speaks.html

Not sure what to write, but I need to write it down because I want to make some sense of the events, emotions and the future. Shock, disbelief … it can’t be really happening, mental numbness, anxiety followed by pain and then a drug induced fog. I jumped on the roller coaster called cancer, there is no getting off the ride.

I'm new to this, but I'm hoping sharing this with other people will help me through my journey as a carer. My husband Nigel was dx with a GBM 4 on his 50th Birthday - 13 August 12. First debulking completed 16 August and second 16 September. We were advised a life expectancy of 6- 12 mths. Nigel's tumour is located in the back of the brain on the right hand side which has effected his sight - he has lost the ability to drive or ride his motorbikes, but has accepted his loss of independence gracefully.

A couple of weeks ago I dreamed that I was watching next year's AFL Grand Final and it was looking like Hawthorn was going to lose. I was thinking 'this can't be happening again, not again' and I felt so dreadfully unable to cope with it. This dream has remained clear in my mind since although I normally quickly forget dreams. I didn't realise at first but then when I thought about it I saw that it was a very obvious translation of worry about my annual check-up. I was not conscious of being worried but underneath I clearly was.

Well John is finally nearing the end of this horrendous journey. Palliative Care have told me 'any time now' and we sit, my daughters and myself, and we watch him as his breathing pauses for long periods. We have been sitting watching for over 24 hours now. I had thought that he would have entered a coma state by now, but no, the poor man is aware of everything that is happening. He is lightly sedated but still startles and is scared and begs me to help him. Whoever said that death was a peaceful transition was a liar! I hate this suffering with a passion!

In the year, 2000, I was diagnosed with cancer of the prostate and in my mind, death was certain. Well, I suppose it is, but much later. I have gone through radiation, hormone therapy and now that it has spread, chemo. But I am not the only one am I? Kids are suffering alas are a lot of adults. For me, I just had to remain positive and 12 years later, I'm still here, ready for chemo. I find that te non worry approach is working- for me. I have since experienced depression and given the two experiences, I decided to write a book to help others through he ordeal. I'll post the link next time.