mixed thoughts after losing mum..

[Bella2010]

Try as I might to only think about the lovely happy memories and my beautiful 31 years with my mum, unwanted thoughts keep creeping into my head that are making me feel extra sad, and even a bit guilty, which, rationally, I know isn't warranted.. For some reason my mind is going to certain times, before she got sick, when I might've been in a bad mood and not as nice to Mum as I could've been.. or times when I should have done something with her but didn't.. and also thinking about heartbreakingly sad times with her in hospital when she got sick, and I felt so helpless and just hated seeing her go through that. Funny thing is if Mum knew I was thinking these thoughts she'd tell me not to be silly and that I was the most loving, thoughtful daughter she could imagine, which I do know is mostly true. I just hate this horrible empty feeling I have all the time now.. I used to feel so safe knowing Mum was here, and there for me at any time, and now that I don't have that ... I don't know what to do.

[ljnolan]

Hi Bella, I can certainly relate to what you were saying, I lost my Mom to cancer 6 yrs ago and I still go through times of feeling sadness, guilt and regret. I was 37 when my Mom died and was 9 yrs old when my Dad died, it is very hard not to have parents to share life's ups and downs with. The first year after losing my Mom I had many dreams about her where she was dying and I was trying so hard to save her and felt such guilt that I wasn't able to. In my waking hours I felt a lot of guilt over not spending more time with her, and questioning myself as to whether I told her often enough that I loved her. I've tried to take the lessons I've learned through all of this and use them in my life now and how I treat those in my life that I love. Do you have any siblings? How long ago did your Mom pass on?

[Zen-moment]

Hi Bella2010 Wishing you gentle times ahead... I remember reading CS Lewis where he says, "No one told me that grief felt so like fear." That feeling of not feeling safe anymore is so very real, and something I have struggled with in my grief. But something else that struck me reading your words is that your mum is "with you" still because you say you know what she would say - it's like she's still telling you how to care for yourself. I don't know if that helps, and sorry if it feels wrong... I just know that I still speak to my loved one who died many years ago, and I still think of what she would say or do, and I"m sure she helps me in the tough times. So I've learnt to carry on loving her even though I miss her desperately, and somehow the world brightens. Of course, we're all different, and what works for one may not work for another... take care, healing will come as surely as the sun rises and sets. Zen.

[Bella2010]

Hi Zen, thank you so much for your message, it made me feel a little better. Yes, that's true, I do feel like Mum's still here so close to me - we were incredibly close all the time and I can't let go of that feeling now. It just suddenly hits me sometimes that she's not here to talk to and be with when I need her and won't be, and that is the scary part.. Those are true words by Lewis. I think what will get me through life without her, as you're doing, is imagining what she would say or do in every situation and be guided by her. She was the most loving, wise, thoughtful, funny person I've ever met and I can only hope to be a little like her. Thanks for your lovely words again and I hope the days continue to be mostly bright for you.

[craftyone]

Hi Bella, I think that it takes a terribly long time - probably forever - not to miss family. I lost my mother a long time ago when I was in my mid 20's. She had had a hard time the last 10 years of her life, even though she thoroughly enjoyed all of it - thanks to dad. The last 2 years was extremely hard and it was with a certain relief when she did die, but oh how I still miss her. Every now and then I tell my partner "you would have loved her, she never said anything bad about anyone or hurt anyone at all". Her last 3 months was bed ridden and she used to try so hard not to let us know when she was in pain or feeling bad. All we could do was love her and look after her. Life does go on, and we make our own way, but the memories are still strong in mind and heart and the best advice that I can give is just to enjoy the good memories and the good things that your mother taught you. Give yourself plenty of time and don't be hard on yourself at all, it does take time. Thinking of you, Craftyone

[Bella2010]

Thank you. 🙂 The feelings of regret are now not as strong, I just miss her so so much, and all the little nuances in our relationship that I know I'll never be able to replicate with anyone. Seeing all her things and going to see Dad now is so bittersweet - good to feel close to her but incredibly sad that I can't be with her anymore. Thanks everyone for your lovely words of support, they really do help. It's great that this forum exists, as I feel that, now that a couple of months have passed, some friends think I'm okay and don't show as much concern as in the first few weeks. Have found that a little surprising in a few cases. I also think a lot of people don't want to talk about Mum as they think it'll upset me - but I want to talk about her and remember her, not pretend everything's fine.. She was such a huge part of my life and still is.