Am I the only one feeling this way

[Bucknchooky]

My husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 germ cell testicular cancer at Easter this year. We have done BEP chemo for 4 cycles and had surgeries to remove brain tumours and a tumour from behind the knee. We were about to lung surgery but discover the cancer had become active again, so now having TIP chemo which will be followed by CE chemo in the new year.

i say we because everyone in the family is effected by cancer, even if we don't have it, I have put everything on hold to help him and our boys get through this. It's a long road, I am still working and am the sole driver in the house.

my husband feels that he is the only one going through this roller coaster and has become very self centred and seems incapable of being able to make adult decisions. 

After 10 **bleep** months of dedication, sacrifice, isolation and emotional upheaval trying to keep this family together and relatively normal. Tonight after coming home from work and falling asleep on the lounge only to get up to cook dinner for everyone and iron school clothes, I was destroyed in one sentence. I was told that I solely was tearing my family apart, was angry and selfish. So it turns out no matter how much you give, sometimes people just don't see or appreciate it. It's left me unsure, alone and total devastated.

i would like my nice husband and life back not this **bleep** cancer one.

[Margaret_CCNSW]

Hi Bucknchooky,

That sounds like a really difficult situation you are in, without much support.

You might be interested in a service from Cancer Council NSW, in the form of a Telephone Support Group (TSG), for people such as yourself who are caring for someone with cancer. The TSG provides an opportunity to regularly talk with others in a similar situation so that experiences, information and coping strategies are shared. For more information please phone: 1300 755 632 (messages can be left) or email tsg@nswcc.org.au.

Take care,

Margaret

Online Community admin team

[little_stitcher]

Hi Buckanchooky, that just sounds like a generally awful situation.  I haven't got much else to say, but I just wanted to give you some huge cyber hugs.  HUG!!!  HUG!!    Emily

[Bucknchooky]

I am talking with councillors, the problem is my husband isn't and won't, he mocks them, I am going to speak with his onocolgy team next week when we are in Sydney and see if they can help. 

I cant ant continue this way, it's too hard on the kids, he needs help.

[Flazum]

You are most definitely not alone. We don't have kids but my partner's personality has changed significantly since his cancer returned. It's partly to do with the medication, and partly do with what I think is depression.

We've had some roaring arguments during this time but I've come to the conclusion that it's not the real "him" I'm dealing with now and I just hope that once we get through this the guy I know is there will return to some degree. Is your husband working? I find that it's hard for him to get outside of himself when he spends all day at home, often not doing anything.

As for you and the kids all I can say is that the best thing that helped me get through this and still manage to be there for him is to do things for yourself in your life. Don't put your life on hold. Go and plan things with the kids and if your husband is well enough on the day he can join in. If not stick with the plans. You have a right to have a life as much as you can and it's not selfish to do that. It actually helps you be there for him more by doing things you want and need to do for yourself.

I also found too that I really had to breakdown and explain to my partner that I am going through this every bit as much as him. I may not be physically fighting the disease but it's had a massive affect on my life and I'm suffering because of it just as much as he is and I even went so far as to explain to him that he's changed so much in personality (mainly to do with some of his medication as well) and how heartbreaking it is to see that happen. Once I actually opened up in a way that wasn't argumentive and fuelled by pent up emotion on my part I think something finally sunk in with him and he does try harder now most of the time to be more considerate of what I'm going through and the way he treats me.

I hope something in there will be helpful to your situation and I know how hard it is to even begin to see a way out when you're at the point you are at the moment. If you would like to talk further please let me know and I'll do my best to help in any way I can.

I used to hate it when people said it to me but hang in there if that's what you want to do. You may never have the relationship you want through the cancer battle but sometimes you just need to meet halfway and decide if that's enough for both of you to get through this together.

[Lorem_Ipsum]

You're right – it's definitely "we". I'm so sorry to hear how tough it's been. It sounds really really full-on. 

You say he's had brain tumours. Have they affected his personality? Is that the reason, or part of the reason, he's being such an a/s/s/hole? 

You need help. Is there any extra support you can access? When "we" first got diagnosed, our friends delivered meals to the door for months. The problem is that that stuff drops away, but you still need it. We used this one: https://www.mealtrain.com/ Is there a friend you can send the link to, along with a suitably desperate message? Like, "Help!" for example. 

Aside from practical help, just remember you are doing an amazing, incredible thing. Your husband may not be able to see it right now, but I bet your kids and your family and your friends can. 

If all else fails, find a secluded place and scream into the wind!

P.S. Flazem, great reply!

[Cougar68]

Hi there - i`m new to this site just signed up a couple of days ago & have posted a couple of blogs which you may or may not have seen . I`m so sorry to read of your struggle & hope things have improved since you first posted . Our cancer story briefly is that my husband has stage 4 lung cancer which is progressing fast the oncologist said the other day . A recent spell in hospital & with bone scans etc has shown the cancer has spread onto one of his ribs .He was diagnosed 16 months ago - & was stage 4 then with a spot on the liver too . Like you its very hard coping with the family & doing all the chores as well . I have very supportive friends but it must be a bit too much for one sister who at the moment doesnt appear to be communicating - but maybe thats her way of coping . with Christmas this time next week I wish you well . lots of lov to you xx

[FeelingHelpless]

Oh sweetie, you are not alone. No one can really know what you are going through other than someone who has been where you are. Isolate yourself somewhere remote and just SCREAM. You are allowed and entitled. I hope you find some solace somewhere. I sure know how you feel. xxx