HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

[Jjmichael]

Hi Prevailing, you’ve summmed up much of my relationship struggles in your further comments. Walking on eggshells, retreating, etc. I am my wife’s caregiver and we have been married 31 years. Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know this person. I’ve been just eating her anger and trying to appease her to no avail. Conversations just don’t seem to go well between us and I desperately want to be her rock. 

[suncatcher]

I am new here, and thank goodness this popped into my browser before I chewed my fingers all the way to the bone.

My spouse has been diagnosed with invasive lobular breast cancer within the past 6 weeks. 

I keep telling myself, and others, that I have absolutely no idea exactly how this diagnosis is making her feel. I am reading a lot on how to approach/treat the cancer afflicted loved one, and putting it to use. 

Here is the downside, my spouse has been a bit self destructive in the past (before we became a couple) the doctors have prescribed anti anxiety agents (one of which i just flat out took away from her due to the outbursts of extreme aggressiveness) she was good to hear me out, and discuss a milder option with her doctor.

she has not began any other treatments or procedures yet, but this anger!! I say to her, it's okay to be angry at cancer, but my goodness don't let it push you back to the reckless person that just doesn't give a dam* if you hurt the people who love you. risking her own life, and the lives of others by drinking on top of these anxiety meds, and driving.  Not coming home to rather be at a doper house.  (this hurts me of course) but then to ask me "do I want her to move out ?" because  I am upset.

This scares me so much for her. I don't understand if the mind , perhaps due to previous destructive behavior, just resorts back to it's old patterns of thinking that life is anything less than precious.

Do I notify the doctor that she is drinking on top of these anxiety meds, and it's not safe?

[NotInControl]

Suncatcher...yes advise the doctor even if it makes her angry.  I think as hard as it is at this point we have to remove ourselves from their emotions, wanting to keep them happy and just keep them safe.  My spouse has stage 4 prostate cancer that is hormone resistant.  He's angry and stressed.  He denied any anxiety to the doctor and I all but fell off my chair.  Do or die I thought and I shook my head that he was okay.  That lead to a good medication that worked until his chemo failed.  Now he's mad at the world and feels safe being angry with me..alternating with withdrawing.  We can't feel what they do but we're hurt and scared too.  It's hard to watch anyone give up but we are not in control of them or the disease.  We too have to live our life and not ride their highs and lows.  With all due respect not unlike living with a toddler coming to grips with their emotions.  Hugs to all cancer victims and their caregivers. 

[RandyBonnette]

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@writemyessay wrote:

she has not began any other treatments or procedures yet, but this anger!! I say to her, it's okay to be angry at cancer, but my goodness don't let it push you back to the reckless person that just doesn't give a dam* if you hurt the people who love you. risking her own life, and the lives of others by drinking on top of these anxiety meds, and driving. Not coming home to rather be at a doper house. (this hurts me of course) but then to ask me "do I want her to move out ?" because I am upset.

This scares me so much for her. I don't understand if the mind , perhaps due to previous destructive behavior, just resorts back to it's old patterns of thinking that life is anything less than precious.

Do I notify the doctor that she is drinking on top of these anxiety meds, and it's not safe?

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I completely understand your fear and anxiety. My wife was diagnosed with melanoma, when she was pregnant, and it was a nightmare for us. She was anglry all the time, and to crown it all, she had nausea. But we tried to calm down using this counting method: Counting to 10 and Beyond. I guess it saved us, because I don't know what could have happened to our family, if we continued like that.

[Traci-Renee]

I am new to this group, but I feel your hurt. My husband was just recently diagnosed on 6-18-19 and he is nice to everyone but me.  It hurts to see the ones we love so much go thru this, but then to be so angry and take it out on us is a double whammy. Stay strong, I am taking minute by minute. I have been told they show their anger towards the ones they love the most, and they know we won’t walk away.  Like I said I’m new to this and have already had days where I wanted to run.  I cry every time I’m alone, trying to believe it’s bc he loves me and not that he hates me.  Always hear if you need an ear.  Know that you are his angel.  💕

[Pandamonium]

After reading all of your comments, I feel silly complaining about what I'm going through. My mother has breat cancer and she's almost halfway through her chemo treatment. All of the doctors are sure she'll make it out fine, but the chemo treatment has been hell for her (and the family). I'm 18, about to enter college this fall and I even graduated high school early to help her out. I've done everything she asks and on most days, we have a good time together. Recently I feel like her attitude has changed. When I couldn't do something for her, she got really angry with me. I felt hurt, and then she proceeded to say I lack compassion, don't understand what she's going through, and that she's been reluctant to ask me for help because she thinks I have an attitude (I rarely complain and have been doing everything for her!). Being my mother's caretaker while my dad is working is tiresome, but I've been there for her through it all and even go to every single chemo session. I'm hurt by the things she said and frustrated that she's not being as rational as she normally is. I honestly don't know how to move on and I've kind of become scared of her. I feel like everytime we try to talk about her attitude she makes more digs at me and refuses to apologize for anything. I'm afraid if I don't help her she'll be mad, but when I do, she finds something to complain/be mad about).

Also, this is the only forum I could find where people talk about handling rude sick people - I feel as though I am not allowed to be angry with a cancer patient and I think that's also why my mom is mad at me. She constantly retaliates with how she has cancer as if that makes anything she does wrong okay - does it?

[Traci-Renee]

Pandemonium,  I totally understand what your saying.  I totally understand your mom and my husbands anger.  I do, but as caregivers who are there only bc of our deep love and devotion, to be yelled at, treated like we have no feelings is wrong.  We are hurting also.  Your mom is so lucky to have you.  I’ve been also told that when people go thru chemo, they get chemo brain.  I don’t mean this disrespectfully bc I actually heard it from my girlfriend who is a breast cancer survivor of 6 years.  She said she would say things that were very rude or hurtful.  But she did say she really didn’t realize how she was saying things.  Being so demanding and belittleling to her loved ones. She’s also the one who told me that they only do it to the ones they know won’t leave their side.  I am also struggling with this behavior bc I have to take the beating from both my husband and daughter.  I am also very new to this diagnosis with my husband.  It’s only been a month and two days and I’ve already had to see my dr. Due to my anxiety and I’m starting to get depressed.  I have to get up and be mom and act as tho everything is gonna be ok, so my kids stay kids and I cry every chance I get when I’m alone.  Stay strong... you are strong and you have a beautiful devotion to your mom at such a young age.  Your mom is probably upset with herself bc you are taking care of her, instead of her being your mom and taking care of you.  Take it from a mom who does everything for everyone but herself.  I pray for you and your mom.  I am always here for you if you need to talk and vent.  Hugs stay strong and believe your mom is suffering with cancer and other issues.  She loves you, just she’s scared.  As we are as caregivers of our loved ones.  It’s ok to get angry at a cancer patient, bc it’s not only Not ok to verbally abuse us and use us as punching bags.  It’s ok to walk away knowing they are safe, and grasp our thoughts and go back to them after a good cry in the other room. Always here for you to talk to.  You are an amazing stand up daughter at such a young age.  Your momma did a great job.  Hugs

[Traci-Renee]

Also no just bc they have cancer doesn’t make them right to abuse us.  

[Traci-Renee]

💔 Cancer sucks and has broken my heart! I miss the love and laughter in my home.  Now everyone is arguing and I can’t do anything right.  My husband has something to say about everything I do.  I just can’t do this anymore.  Scared and over whelmed with anger.   I understand he has the cancer but we are all hurting,   I feel for every single person that has a loved one with cancer, bc loving them while they are treating us not so nice sucks too....💔😢

[Traci-Renee]

Another day in sucks vile!  Wishing all you beautiful care givers at least one genuine smile today...😊❤️