HOW To Deal With The Anger Of A Loved One?

[Prevailing]

Today was not a good day for me and to be quite truthful, I feel emotionally beat up. My husband who has been diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer has become angry and bitter to the point that he seems to be taking it out on me. This is why I sought out a support group for families and friends of loved ones. It seems that nothing I do is good enough right now in his eyes. Today which happens to be my birthday ended on such a sour note, that all I want to do right now is cry. The day started off with me trying to be upbeat and trying to keep his spirits up. I cooked a special dinner for us and he complained about the food. Everything I cook lately is not good enough. Everything I do isn’t good enough. I try to talk about faith and God, he says, THE IS NO CURE FOR CANCER! He seems to have lost his desire to live and doesn’t want me to express any type of hope or joy. I feel emotionally abused and I don’t know how to help him. He was getting hormonal treatment then started radiation, but said that was making him sick. He stopped the treatment midway because he said the hospital was just trying make money off of him and he cursed out the doctors. Another hospital wants him to start chemotherapy, but he doesn’t like them because he says they are young and don’t know what they are talking about. He doesn’t like me to tell him that he should stop smoking and he doesn’t want me to give him advice on eating healthy. I feel like he just wants to push me away. I feel like he is angry and mad at life or God perhaps and is taking it out on me because I am the closest person to him. So my question is how do you deal with the love one’s anger and is this typical of a cancer patient become bitter and angry to the point that they starting hurting the people who care and love them?

[brickbt]

I think anger is a necessary stage in the whole cancer journey. My partner has ovarian cancer that is not curable and has been haveing different types of chemo since 2010. Now on to round three. I have been angry for almost 12 months - what do i have to look forward to, i have lost my future, my whole life has become focused on the illness and I know I will lose my partner. So about a month ago I got sick of being so miserable and finally listened to what my friends had been saying. You cannot control what will happen and death will be the end result. But if this is your focus then all you will have is misery. You need to surrender and live for what you can get out of life now. And trust that fate/life/god will give you a way through and the strength to carry on. As for what your husband is feeling - it seems he has lost all his power over the situation and anger is the only power he has left. Perhaps wind back on the suggestions of what he should do and just let him know that you will be there for him and support him no matter what treatment he decides/or not to take. Suggest he calls the cancer helpline and talk to the phone counsellors. It helps to talk to someone not involved in your situation and they do not judge you but only provide support. This is the toughest thing you will ever have to handle in your life. Hope these comments help

[brickbt]

I think anger is a necessary stage in the whole cancer journey. My partner has ovarian cancer that is not curable and has been haveing different types of chemo since 2010. Now on to round three. I have been angry for almost 12 months - what do i have to look forward to, i have lost my future, my whole life has become focused on the illness and I know I will lose my partner. So about a month ago I got sick of being so miserable and finally listened to what my friends had been saying. You cannot control what will happen and death will be the end result. But if this is your focus then all you will have is misery. You need to surrender and live for what you can get out of life now. And trust that fate/life/god will give you a way through and the strength to carry on. As for what your husband is feeling - it seems he has lost all his power over the situation and anger is the only power he has left. Perhaps wind back on the suggestions of what he should do and just let him know that you will be there for him and support him no matter what treatment he decides/or not to take. Suggest he calls the cancer helpline and talk to the phone counsellors. It helps to talk to someone not involved in your situation and they do not judge you but only provide support. This is the toughest thing you will ever have to handle in your life. Hope these comments help

[matsy]

Dear Prevailing Where you are right now is one of the most difficult times ever, and I admire your will to keep battling it out. Being the carer is recognised as more difficult than being the patient: especially as women, we care for others our whole lives, yet it feels like it's just thrown back in your face. We do everything we possibly can but it still won't fix the problem (especially ultimately) - that is a very hard thing to swallow. I really feel for you and your disappointing birthday - that hurts so much. When my husband was at the peak of his treatment, it was the worst time in our relationship. I felt we should have been treasuring time but we just could not meet in the middle. Much like you, I was trying to care and he was just turning his back. In a little while, you will be able to see that your husband's anger includes feeling angry about not being able to be there for you, the person he loves most, and being powerless in the face of it (much like what brickbt said). The source of his anger is his love. What I would recommend for now is that you focus on yourself a little more: posting to this forum was a great start. Acknowledge that your position is as difficult as your husband's. Get, take or buy whatever support and love you can (it was me, not my husband who had 2 years of counselling, and a weekly massage!) Later on you will realise that you have your path and your husband has his. You can care for him by quietly going about your business, and allowing him space for his anger. The fact that he is taking it out on you is really unfair and hurtful, which is why you must take measures to seek support from sources other than him. I hope this helps a little, please don't be shy to keep asking on this forum, it is a great place to get some support. I for one am thinking of you - I lost some sleep last night hoping you would be ok!! 🙂

[matsy]

Dear Prevailing Where you are right now is one of the most difficult times ever, and I admire your will to keep battling it out. Being the carer is recognised as more difficult than being the patient: especially as women, we care for others our whole lives, yet it feels like it's just thrown back in your face. We do everything we possibly can but it still won't fix the problem (especially ultimately) - that is a very hard thing to swallow. I really feel for you and your disappointing birthday - that hurts so much. When my husband was at the peak of his treatment, it was the worst time in our relationship. I felt we should have been treasuring time but we just could not meet in the middle. Much like you, I was trying to care and he was just turning his back. In a little while, you will be able to see that your husband's anger includes feeling angry about not being able to be there for you, the person he loves most, and being powerless in the face of it (much like what brickbt said). The source of his anger is his love. What I would recommend for now is that you focus on yourself a little more: posting to this forum was a great start. Acknowledge that your position is as difficult as your husband's. Get, take or buy whatever support and love you can (it was me, not my husband who had 2 years of counselling, and a weekly massage!) Later on you will realise that you have your path and your husband has his. You can care for him by quietly going about your business, and allowing him space for his anger. The fact that he is taking it out on you is really unfair and hurtful, which is why you must take measures to seek support from sources other than him. I hope this helps a little, please don't be shy to keep asking on this forum, it is a great place to get some support. I for one am thinking of you - I lost some sleep last night hoping you would be ok!! 🙂

[Lorraine]

Well, as difficult as it is, you just have to get onto the out of control train and hang on - preferably to your partner. Anger is one of those things that, I reckon, the one with cancer has the right to acknowledge and walk around in until it becomes familiar and then tiring. When it does become tiring,perhaps that's the time to look forward and look behind and around to see that the train travelled on actually has other passengers that can make the trip a bit more bearable. When this happens, I've noticed the scenery changes.

[CathyAM]

I deal with many emotions at the moment I don't get along with my Brother he is a addict & refuses to go & visit my father when he has Chemotherapy very selfish thing all he cares for is drugs & his behaviour is disgraceful get a life mate. My Father has Advanced Stomach Cancer it's pretty shattering my whole world has fallen apart. Currently seeing a psychologist from Cancer Council feeling abit better now & the Cancer Helpline is really helpful. Caring is really tiring now that my mum is a carer. I also was a carer for the elderly for about 12 years now I'm on the other side of it all caring for my 12 year old girl with special needs.