How do you find the positives when you feel like there are none.

[SJP88]

• Hi everyone. 

I'm going to keep this as to the point as possible. 

How do you support someone (your good friend) who's 33 and is terminal with leukaemia? 

I'm obviously devastated beyond comprehension, but it isn't about me.

I'm struggling to find the positives, because he's so young and he hasn't gotten to live life fully. 

I don't know what to say to him... 

I want him to know I care, but without bringing him down even more. 

Thanks in advance.

[sch]

HI SJP88,

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. It's great that he has a caring friend who wants to be there for him.

Reading through these forums you'll quickly learn that often during a cancer diagnosis/treatment, friends can disappear quickly.

I'm sure that already the fact that you are there offering support makes a difference already.

Here is the hard part. Everybody's needs are different, just as everybody is a different person.

It will varying upon the person and their needs. How much other support do they have already?

Do they need someone to go with them them to treatment?

Maybe someone to chat with or even just sit with them?

Maybe trying asking if there is anything you can do for him?

I hope something in here helps. Let me know if you have any more questions.

-s

[Budgie]

Hi @SJP88,

I don't have much to add on what @sch has said, except that there have been times when I've been horribly affected by treatment & I've often wondered just how awful it must be for someone going thru treatment alone, with no-one to support them. I'm very lucky to have the husband I do, as he's just fabulous. Just let your friend know you are there. Let them know the things you are able to offer your services for. Not everyone is able to do everything, or there might be certain things you're just not willing to do. That's fine. Your friend might just want company, pure & simple. Be honest, be straightforward - there's nothing worse, I find, than people who want to know something, but pussyfoot around because they don't want to offend you. If you have questions about the treatment etc, ask, unless your friend has said they don't want to talk about it. You do get some people with cancer that won't even say the word because they don't want to admit they have it, or are scared of it. Its their prerogative, just know your & their boundaries & enjoy the time you have left together.

Budgie

[SJP88]

Thanks so much for your reply, SCH.

He's very lucky to have an amazingly supportive family, so he isn't alone at all! 

He hasn't really been up to seeing us many times since his diagnosis, which was 4 years ago. 

I always message him and I hope that he does really know how much we love him (I tell him all the time).

The hard thing about this is his sister actually told me about the palliative care, so he doesn't know that I know. And I know he will say something when he's ready to have that conversation, but makes it a little more difficult to communicate.

Thanks again for replying to me

SJP x

[SJP88]

Hi Budgie! 

Thanks so much for your reply. 

I hope you're doing okay. ❣️

Our friend is very lucky that he has an incredible family and they are a great support network for him for sure. 

He's been quite reclusive with us (his friendship group) since his diagnosis 4 years ago. 

He doesn't know that I know about the palliative care yet, as it was his sister who told me but told me not to say anything. I know he will say when he's ready. 

Just makes it that little more difficult to communicate openly (I'm a pretty open person with him), I've asked about his treatments many times and he definitely feels comfortable to talk about it with me, but always said it was difficult because he'd get great news followed by crap news and vice versa. 

I'll definitely enjoy the time we do have left together. 

Thanks again for replying.

Take care

SJP x

[Angel1]

Hi, I just want to say what a wonderful friend you are already for reaching out and getting support with wanting to support your friend.  Yes it is so true i believe everybody is different and only you yourself and others who are suppoting your friend really know what he likes and dislikes. Things change so much in the eyes of the person who is suffering. Maybe talking to them about their favourite football team or sports they like or books they like or liked to read,  my partners son used to take my partner out for drives to see his favourite places as he knew he couldn't drive.  Best of luck on your journey of support of your friend. Remember yourself not to take to much to heart if they don't want to talk or do things, they are suffering. Just be empethetic and listen or just be present if you can. 

[SJP88]

Thank you so much Angel for your helpful words. 

Everyone has been so great in offering advice/support. This is an amazing community.

Xx

[Budgie]

Its a wonderful friendship you have @SJP88, & it sounds like you're already doing everything right.
I hope you have lots of time together still to come. You are a wonderful person.

Take care

Budgie