Overwhelmed - pancreatic cancer stage 4

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Patches, 

     Just wanted to make sure you are ok.  Sending you and your husband my thoughts and prayers.  ❤️

[Patches]

Life in general has been busy last few days and I might not be on here every day.  My husband had his next chemo treatment today plus, I suspect, potassium top up as he spent nearly 4 hrs at our local hospital cancer day ward.  Last couple of days it has become quite obvious that chemo is starting to have negative impact on his ability to think, remember, talk and process things...... when he is tired it is almost impossible to understand what he says as most times he appears to just mumble.  

[Patches]

When he sees me typing things my husband shows jealousy tendencies or gets nasty snapping, “ who you talking to now, telling everyone about the cancer aren’t you”.  He was never like this before starting chemo 

[Traci-Renee]

Patches,

   Well you both are in my thoughts and prayers.  If you need to vent I am here.  Please remember to take a minute for yourself, even if it’s just for a short period of time.  🙏🏻❤️

[Traci-Renee]

I totally understand, my husband is the same way.  Lol.  But it’s ok when he does it....but me he says the same thing, you better not be telling them about my Cancer...🙄 ugh...No matter what we do they can pick us apart.  It drives me insane...

[BJO67]

You're an amazing woman .....

Please know we are thinking of you x

[Traci-Renee]

BJ067,

We all think the same about you to Bj067. That you are pretty amazing yourself.  We all definitely are here for support.  You are all amazing... ❤️

[Patches]

I know what you mean.  Last night my husband got angry saying that I was pushing him away and that if I don’t want to be with him anymore to just say so.  I reminded him that it was himself during the last few days who has said about working on a project himself for his enjoyment only and that when I ask about the project we had been planning for the last couple of months to start, it was himself who said that we might get to it at some time but he just wants to work on this new project on his own.  After telling him how those words he hurt me and made me feel that I was not wanted and felt like he was pushing me away he burst into tears, during which I held his hand in attempt to comfort him.  Earlier tonight when I got upset and was crying he just sat beside me, no emotion, no attempt to comfort me, no nothing.    Times like this it feels like I have already lost my husband which hurts so much

[Eliz]

Hi Patches

I am one of the lucky ones who has survived this cancer Pancreas cancer 22 mm tumour in 2010. I had 3 lymph nodes which disappeared while having chemo radiation and Paw Paw tablets (which weren't from my oncologist) I had the Whipple operation November 29th 2010 the tumour had shrunk to 16 mm and the nodes were no longer glowing on a PET scan.

The chemo didn't agree with me either and I used to get sick the evening after receiving chemo each week. When I was having radiation I had a chemo bag attached to me 24/7 during this time maybe because the chemo was going in slower I wasn't getting sick or having to go to hospital with high temperatures. I don't mind if you share this with your husband as it is good to be included. I had the palliative nurses visiting each week they were great answering questions from us both.

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Patches, 

   I’m so sorry, I know how it feels to be pushed aside, the feeling is aweful.   My husband started again today with me.  Ask me about what the dr. Said bc that I don’t forget anything and if he finds out I know something and didn’t tell him that he would be so mad.  Well I felt scared and trapped bc I don’t know his dr well enuff, so I didn’t know if the dr would throw me under the bus.   So I only shared what I was told and not everything.  I told him he was not ever gonna be cancer free and will never be in remission or cured.  I was petrified that the dr. Might say he told us.  The only thing I didn’t tell him was the stage he was at.  But after I said that I started saying the dr said he could treat until he can’t treat, he cut me off.  Started screaming and said when were you gonna tell me.  You have known for two F-in weeks and didn’t tell me.  I’m a big boy I can take good and bad.  So I thru my hands up not finishing the rest of my sentence about dr treating till he couldn’t treat.  And threw my hands up and said I’m leaving...bc he was getting so upset.  Now he says you left me in my room, thinking the worst...your so damn negative.  I don’t know why you want to hurt me intentionally or if it’s unintentional.  I would never hurt him.  I have been here the whole way.  He called my daughter, who called me an ASSH$&@.  And she candy coated everything again.  He said our daughter explained everything to him...and was mad at me.  I didn’t tell him bc I wanted to, I told him bc I was kinda threatened, with the thought of the dr. Who didn’t tell him might end up telling him that I knew and then I’m screwed.   I also think he should know a little bit, so he doesn’t push him self.  I never wanted to tell him.  I am now just a mess...I never told him what stage he was. I’m so mad at the dr. Bc he said he was gonna talk to my husband the day after the surgery, and danced around it...now I’m a dumb B...he’s mad at me.  I screamed and said I’m so unhappy, I’m leaving....I didn’t throw the word divorce out there, so he is assuming that’s what I meant so telling me how aweful I am for saying I’m gonna leave him thru his cancer.  Oh my god...I just feel like I can’t do anything right at all.   But his lying cheating friends he sticks up for.  I’m just a wife.  A very heartbroken Wife.  💔 who comes last on everything...the things this man has put me thru since 2014, no wife should have to bare the heartbreak.   Me staying and trying to work out my marriage, I guess like a blind Ass Wife and now he has Cancer and I love him, but the pain and hurt is unbearable.  I want to pack my things and never look back, but my heart is with him.  I just feel like his heart isn’t in it for me after 22 years and three kids.  His friends come first and I will never feel like he has my back, not like his lying cheating friends.   I’m sorry to vent, but that is what this is for right.  The GOOD, THE BAD and ThE UGLY. I don’t know what to do...  and we’ll I honestly can’t ask GoD to point me in the right direction bc he’s already put me in a very very bad place.  Sorry everyone...life and Cancer SUCKS!