Sharon - you have a true gift for expressing the inexpressible and I wonder if this will be your way through the achingly painful loss that you are experiencing right now. I can't give you any answers because grief if a journey we all have to go on alone, but I suggest that you keep on writing all your feelings down. Share them on this forum, but also keep a journal; carry this with you at all times so whenever you need to 'vent' you can reach out and grab this book. The beauty of a journal is that you don't need to be nice or polite or worry about upsetting anyone else, you can really let rip.I'm sure you feel many different emotions and some of them may surprise you. One that can be most distressing is anger - anger at the person you loved most in the world. How dare he leave you?! What right did he have to take off and leave you alone. Perhaps you haven't got there yet, but please don't be shocked if and when you do have those feelings. Logic has nothing to do with grief. You KNOW that your beloved husband didn't get cancer on purpose; you know that he didn't deliberately abandon you; you know that he loved you and would have been just as devastated as you to not be spending many more years together. But - he's gone anyway. Just know that feeling angry at the departed is a normal part of grief and so I encourage you to vent all those feelings in your journal. You won't be hurting him and you won't be upsetting anyone else. You have said that you feel him around you, so he will know that it's your despair at losing the love of your life that is causing such extreme emotions. You will get to a more peaceful place if you let yourself be completely real and don't deny anything that you feel. Someone once said (possibly Elizabeth Kubler-Ross?) that when we are dealing with huge loss, the only way out is through. In order to get to the other side, it's vital not to deny and bury feelings that we think are unacceptable. Feelings are not positive or negative, they are just feelings and if we are having them, then they are true for us in that moment.It might be helpful for you to find a support group. If you don't know where to start, try typing grief or bereavement support into an Internet search engine and I'm sure you will find some suggestions of where you can find help. Sometimes just an anonymous voice on the phone might be more comforting than family and friends, in this case Lifeline might be helpful, especially if you are desperate in the middle of the night.People left behind can feel survivor guilt and if this happens to you, seek professional help - your doctor would be a good starting point. Maybe they will suggest some kind of medication for a short period of time, but it's not a good idea to use that alone. Then it just becomes a Band-Aid - you need to still work through your feelings, not just paper over the cracks.Hang in there Sharon - as hard as this is, I believe you will get through it.
