You can't prepare for loss.

[Carol_carer]

My husband of 42 yrs has been battling cancer for 4 yrs - after Radiation Treatment, Chemo and 3 Operations - we were told that he had approx 12 months left (that was 18 months ago).  My husband is so strong, caring and loving and accepts each day as it comes.  Even with everything he is going through his main concern is that i'm alright.  For his sake I put on a brave face as much as possible but it breaks my heart to see him suffer.

[adamm]

Hi Carol. It must be hard for you as you care for your husband. You will have a lot going on for you and no doubt will be feeling a lot of different reactions. I hope you have others around you to support you. As you are a carer there are a couple of articles on grief reactins in the carers section of thsi website. If you haven't accessed them yet please do - a new one will be uploaded soon on men's grief.  I also hope that other carers wil be able to post their support for you also. In the meantime it might be helpful for you to post your thoughts as writing them down can be a help. And remember, you also need to find time to care for you. Take soem time out each day to nurture yourself - even if its something such as a bath or put your feet up and flick through a magazine.  

[ArnZo]

Hi all The brave face is just impossible some days, by the sufferer and their loved ones. It is good that your hubby has beaten their 'timeframe' and each extra day is a blessing, but oh so hard to watch the suffering. My mother in law lost her mum on Tuesday night - we were all with her as she passed away.  It was a blessing for Lotte (hubby's nanna) as she's suffered from dementia for the last 6yrs and her body had taken all it can. Even though Lotte is in the best place she can now be, it is devastating for my hubby and his mum, given that this will be another death since his mum went onto death row, so to speak. Hubby has been keeping it together (only just) until yesterday when at the funeral mob - his mum picked out her own coffin while choosing her mum's coffin, then calmly told us and his sister whilst surrounded by coffins that her cancer has taken off again and they'll be back again soon at the funeral directors for her send off. The black humour is what kept us all going at the time, but last night it caught up with everyone.  Watching poor Lotte have to die slowly was very hard for hubby and his mum (hard for all of us I guess) and Erika doesn't want the family to sit in vigil with her when her time comes. Her symptoms are back (seems the radiation only slowed it temporarily) and coughing up blood etc is back.  The metastases through her pelvis, hips and left shoulder has greatly affected her mobility and we fear that she will go downhill rapidly now that her spirit has broken. Diagnosed just before xmas, since then she has lost her horse of 20yrs, her son-in-law's brother died in a freak accident 2wks ago and her mum died on Tuesday.  There's only my hubby and his sister left now - thankfully both of them have been able to take the week off to keep her company and share the burden of organising the funeral etc.  We've all been surrounding her with love and support but it's impossible to ease her grief over her mum and her own situation. Sadly religion is no comfort to her - her mum was a staunch catholic so will be buried with a catholic mass etc, but she's adamant that she doesn't want any 'religious crap' for her funeral service and will haunt us if we do.  Everyone's lost their beliefs after the huge amount of crap that has happened over the last few years. Sorry, promise we're off to see the counsellor asap, plus the doc for some happy pills. The upside is we're all very reflective on life and are treasuring the time we have. Take care everyone and hope that you've all been able to have at least one bright spot in your day. Zoe

[doreen]

My mum had bowel cancer last November (stage 4) in January started xelodo tablets 14 days on 7 days off...to try to and control the cancer spots in her liver...we saw the professor yesterday..the news was all bad go home get your affairs in order you have 2 to 3 months ...we will arrange to have the palliative care doctor come out to see you... after all he told me... your is mum is 83....I know my mum is getting on in years but she looks great for her age you would not know that she had anything wrong ...if you could see her you would not believe that she has only a short time left...how can any one know for sure....mum is being so brave about it all but its breaking my heart just thinking about it ... mum said to day it will be spring so the weather should be nice for you all..... 

[Carol_carer]

Hi Doreen I am sorry to hear about your Mum.  My husband also looks well and you wouldn't know he was ill.   I can relate to how you are feeling - it tears you apart to see a loved one suffering and being so brave.  Take heart my hubby was told he had twelve months and he has gone 8 months past that - we treasure every moment. Carol

[clo]

hello in january 08 i had a kidney failure i spent 3 months in hospital.i got home for 8 weeks then i had another failure >this time i spent 5 months every day my husband of 29 years was visiting me we got the most beautiful neighbour who took him and look after our children anyway he was losing weight quite quickly and we all thought it was the stress im his carer and suddenly he had to do all the things i was doing .the weight loss was really scary and as soon as i left the hospital i took him to the doctors .we had blood tests done sat morning at 9pm the doctor called to have christian immediately hospitalized.our world came crashing down when the following monday 13/10/08 at 2 we were told christian had just 12 months and it was too late for every thing.is there anybody out there who can help me with the sadness ..the guilt too if i wasnt in hospital i would have known somethin was bad please someone talk to me thank you,

[Sharon55]

Dear Clo, Please know that I am thinking of you at this time. You ask how to deal with the sadness of what the future may hold. I wish I knew the right answer to give you, however all I can do is let you know what I have found helpful. My husband of 33 years has stage 4 bowel cancer and there has been no good news for nearly 12 months. The internal radiation treatment he had a few weeks ago for his Liver does not appear to be helping at this stage and things are not looking good at all. I find myself no longer being able to hold my feelings of sadness and what the future may hold to myself and my tears come at the most unexpected times. I now allow myself to cry and and express my sadness. I have 2 very close girlfriends that I can cry on their shoulders too and they allow it without adding any platitudes of staying positive or things may be OK. I have found that this has been a tremendous help to my emotional well being. Try and find yourself somebody that can support you also. The Cancer council is a wonderful source of support and I have found their helpline wonderful. It is difficult at times to find somebody who will be real with you but they are out there. I have found writing a great help and finally allowing myself to feel the sadness and fear. As I said sometimes the face just waters, so let it flow and let your husband know that you are feeling sad and need time out for a few minutes. As for feeling guilty about your illness and not picking up on his weight loss, as much as I could tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about I know that you will continue to self blame in some form and that is natural. Once again find some postive way of expressing that and then try to leave it behind, as if you are feeling guilty your hubby will take those emotions on also. This sucks and you have every right to feel anger, sadness, pain and to acknowledge it. Try to live for the good times that you will have and then treat this sucky situation with some humour. We have found that this has helped also. Good luck and know that you are not alone and there are people that are willing to support you and assist you.

[clo]

dear Sharon i sent you a message before i read your answer im not really good with computers im lucky i found totocol im sorry to hear about your husband and what u said is so true but still very scary isnt it? for 29 years i have been looking after Christian .my family is my life .i feel so vulnerable .thank you Sharon

[jlawson]

Hello Clo and Sharon,  I've been such a dummy, trying to get onto this forum, for ages.  Glad I made it today. I also cared for my husband, when he was diagnosed, out of the blue, with lung cancer.  That was  11 years ago now.  And honestly?  Its a gut blow, and as you both have found out, one that feels like its cutting you to pieces.. But, please let me tell you, that doing what you are doing, and loving your man so much, and keeping on caring when it hurts, is something that is an expression of real love that nothing could ever beat! Boy I hope neither of you think I'm trying to gloss over your share of the pain....I've been there, so I wouldnt do that.  and yep, for a while, I honestly felt some days that I shouldnt be alive, cause I couldnt take his cancer away from him. I ended up getting into a support Group that has other carers and people who knew how guilt grows and how your own self confidence shrinks...they were special people, all of them had been where I was.  and now?  now, I'm still a part of that special group, and though I'm probably not helping you two much right now...I know that the only people who really DO understand are people who are going through or have been in the same place as you are right now. Our group is mixed, all ages, female, male, and cancer patients, survivors and carers....I hope you get a chance to find somewhere postive and supportive for yourselves.  Just an hour or so, every month may prove to boost you personally.  Hey and about guilt, it is SO wrong....it stinks...and Sharon, you are so right...almost impossible to get rid of...almost, because my friends just used to threaten to bash me, whenever I fell into it....lol I do wish you well Clo and hope you arent cranky with me....for butting in like this. Jeanie

[clo]

hi jeanie dont worry about comin in it takes me hours too lucky i got totocol who takes the times to exxplain . its nice of you to still be here it must hurt sometimes.today was not a good day Cris thinks we r all liars and he is going to go soon.Yesterday he promessed we will have a beautiful xmas.So like Sharon says one day at the time cause we have no choice!we are not religious people but i still believe in hope the problem is Cris do not eat at all he is now anorexic i dont know what to try anymore he is on medication to improve his appetite but so far it do not work hope to talk to u all soon bye thanks for caring.Clo