dad with skin cancer and colon cancer

[Daddylittlegirl]

hi everyone i am new to this group. I just needed to vent i dont have anyone i can talk to and just looking for some friendly advice.  my dad is 76 yrs old and he was dx with squamos carcinoma of the skin unfortanly its on his face. it has been 3 yrs now he has  had chemo and 3 surgerys to remove the cancer. in the mean time of the treatment he was not feeling well so went to er for tummy pains they did a cat scan and found he had a tumor in his colon they removed it and it was colon cancer stage 3.  they stopped his treatment for the skin cancer becuase the colon was more important so he was getting chemo for a few months. in the mean time his skin cancer was getting worse they finally started him on immnotherapy but he lost his rt eye and he now has a hole in his cheek from the tumor eating away the healty tissue. we spoke to the doctos and surgeon and they all agreed there is nothing else they can do he wont survive another surgery and his ear is now erroding he is in constant pain.. his face is totally destroyed he lost so much weight they put him a feeding tube the doctors are giving him 6 months to a year.there is more but i think i would crash the system ...lol  i feel soooo helpless i want to make it better but i cant he is in rehab now but that wont last so option one is to bring him home with hospice care but i would have to move in and take care of him but i am not a nurse so the option is to hire a live in nurse to watch over him and help him with feedings and oxygen and pills etc or option 2 is to put him in a full time facility. my dad goes from wanting to die to wanting to fight. what do i do ???? any advice would be great and another thing is i feel quilety when i go out to the store or have dinner with family or friends when  he is in there sufferning how can i have a good life and he doesnt i should suffer like him and not do anything but work and go see him please help !!!! maybe i need to go to a counsler dont know 

thanks for listening 

[Budgie]

Hi Daddylittlegirl,

What a terrible situation for your father to be in.  He must be feeling so horrible.

No matter what you decide to do, you will probably feel guilt about one thing or another.  It's not right to feel guilty at all!  It's not your fault he has cancer, or for any of the pain he is suffering.  Do not feel guilty about having fun.  Your life matters too, and you can't stop living because of what your father is going through.  Seeing a counsellor is always a good idea, or maybe even just a friend or anyone you can talk to about what is happening.  

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best & hope your father is as comfortable as he can be.

Budgie

[Daddylittlegirl]

Thank you for your input it has been super hard on me since my sister doesnt really help only once in a while . But life keeps moving on and i do to but its hard to not feel guilty but i am going to try.  I just hope and pray his pain and suffering stops soon so he can be in peace with my mom and older sister. Thank you for kidness 😊

[kj]

Your father would definitely want you to enjoy time with your family and friends,it would make him happy inside knowing that you are away from watching his suffering for a time especially with the reality he is facing,at one stage I was diagnosed terminal with not long to live ,I wanted my family to be with me but not constantly,they need time away to process what the future held and also recharge their batteries ,fortunately for me the medics got it wrong ,so try not to feel guilty it’s time you need to yourself.Just continue loving and supporting  him.I have a daughter and seen the effect it has on family.

I watched my dad pass quickly from lung cancer at a very young age,now there are lots more professional advice around from psychologists to your GP don’t hesitate to ask for help if it’s needed,thoughts are with you.This site has a number to ring.

Are palliative care involved they can help enormously.

[Daddylittlegirl]

yes he would like to be around family but his right side of his face is destoryed and he does not want anyone to see him like that he is depressed and i dont know how to get him movitivated i am not sure if he can antidepresseants because of all the meds he is on. right know he is in rehab to try to get his strengh up so he can be more independent. so once rehab is done then he has to decide wether he wants to go home with hospice and me and my sister would have to take care of him 24 -7 which is alot since we both work full time or go into a facility.  what is palliative care ?

[Budgie]

I’m surprised your dad’s doctors haven’t already got a palliative care team organised for him. 

They are a group, or maybe only one person depending on the area you live in, that provide comfort & pain management for people who have a terminal illness or are close to dying.    My pall team are available 24/7 for me to call on if I need them.   They should be able to provide you with links to services to help care for your father as well.   Your dad’s GP or Onc should provide him with a referral to a palliative team near him. 

Budgie 

[Daddylittlegirl]

ok i will check it out. could it be becuase he has 6 months possibly more to live they dont set it up until the very end? would the social worker have this information ? sorry to ask so many questions this is all new to me. 

thanks DIane 

[kj]

Diane

The time factor shouldn’t come in to it ,they can advise and oversee  medications to help make pain more bearable,among other things,yes the social worker ,or treating doctor should have the appropriate information to help with your query,ask as many questions as you need,being aware of theses services and how to benefit can help your father and family at this very hard time in your lives.Members of this site are only to glad to be of some help and comfort if at all possible.

kj

[NancyLee]

It is a very difficult time for you both.  I think it is not unusual to one day want to just die and get it over with and another you feel there might still be hope and you won't have to go just yet.  He may need to talk these things out with you.  It's his way of working thru it as best he can.  He wants to know you are going to do fine when he is no longer there also.  When my Dad was dying I told him I had been told my my siblings that he just wanted it to be over.  I also told him that I'm not there to try and change his mind.  I just wanted him to know that I love him and I know he is tired of all the poking and prodding he's getting from the medical field.  I could see his shoulders relax some and we both knew that we had to accept facts.  He told me his meds tasted like shit, he had lost his site so I whipped up some jello and put his meds into it and handed him the glass.  He drank it and said that was better.  Even the little things you do or say will make him feel supported and loved. If it is more than you can handle to take care of him get the help you need whether it is hospice or other family or a nursing home.  It's important to be able to spend time with him with you not feeling totally overwhelmed.  My Mom now has colon cancer and it has moved to her liver.  She is still up and moving but it's taking it's toll on her.  I expect it to get much worse before it ends.  I wish you comfort in whatever you choose to do for your Dad.  No one should judge you, it is your dicision as to what exactly you are capable of in terms of taking care of him.  It may mean that you are just there for him each day and someone else tends to his physical/medical needs.  I wish you well.  This is not easy watching them decline.  Take care of you too.

[Daddylittlegirl]

Thank you nancy 😊. I really need that i will be with him until the end no matter what he decides just dont want him to suffer anymore. He now has fluid on his lungs so its hard to breathe but there giving him meds to try to get rid of it.  My sister keeps askig me if he is going to make it to easter and i am not a doctor or god it just adds more stress. I had chest pains yesturday and i know i need to slow down but not easy to do. It way hard on him and for family. I just dont want him to give up because ge feels guilty on what effect it has on us.   I fed him ice cream yesturday it made me feel sad and happy at the same time. All i can do is take one day at a time and I am sorry about your mom and you and her will be in my prayers. Cancer is a bitch and dont wish it on anyone. Be well and god bless and thank you again.