just want to scream it out to the universe...

[Lara]

Hi, Im not necessarily looking for answers I just need to vent. My Mum has had a rough 3 years with numerous illnesses that seemed to happen after each other, and in June this year was diagnased with CUP (Carcinoma of Unknown Primary) - secondary in the liver attached to adrelan gland, she was told at the time of daignosis that this cancer would end her life and she chose not to recieve any further information on this, which we all respected and did not pursue. She has been on Chemo which knocked her around, her body reacted to the Chemo and she started slipping into a depresion, anxiety attacks and became very attached to us during this time so the Dr's stopped the chemo to give her time to recover, this has allowed the cancer to continue growing and through her oncologist appointment have found out she has 6-8 months to live as it is aggressive stage 4 during some questions, Im not sure if the Dr mis understood our line of questioning or just let it slip while providing answers to us. Where the issue lies is Mum was out of the room being weighed when the oncologist told us this, and my Dad and I have agreed to respect her wishes and not tell her until she is ready to know - this is killing me. She keeps on talking about beating this and going on holiday, and I just want to burst into tears all the time as she will not be able to acheive this and it is getting harder to live this lie infront of her. I have only my Dad to talk to as we cannot afford to tell anyone else, while mum doesnt know no one else will, and I feel like I want to shout it out, I want to be able to talk to her about this and I cant and I feel sick. Our focus right now is giving her the best christmas she will ever have. Feels good to just write it so thanks for listening.

[pimbok]

You poor thing! What an absolute hell you are going through. All I can suggest is focus on what's best for your mum which is exactly what you are doing. You are an incredibly wonderful daughter. Hang in there and vent here whenever you want.

[Lara]

Thank you Pimbok, your kind words are very touching. We are all going through our challenges, and Im glad I came come here and get support.

[Jules_68]

Hi Lara, What a selfless and loving daughter and father you both are. Your mum does know on some level especially sub consciously. Wow, what a beautiful and strong family you are. What you are both doing is so unconditionally loving.....Im blown away by your commitment. Give your Mum and Dad and You and family a Christmas to remember with smiles and hugs, make it the best memories ever....maybe some Mr Michael B, crooning carols will set the mood too. You can start with a champagne breakfast, more bubbly than food maybe, followed by lunch and if Mum is well enough maybe dinner out somewhere special. Bless you all Jules

[Mignon]

Dear Lara, If you want to scream, do it. Just go to the beach when it is quiet, and just yell, and scream , and cry, run, walk, call out to God, whatever you need to do. It is so hard standing on the sidelines and not being able to do anything..I know, still do.. M.

[little_stitcher]

Hi Lara, what you are doing is so amazing- and unbelievably hard. I admire you so much. Vent here any time you need to. We're all here for you. love Emily

[Lara]

Thank you Emily, I actually forgot about this post and was suprised to see a notification in my emails this morning. I am saddened to say that my Mother has passed away after a short yet brave battle, she detiorated fairly quickly which we knew the cancer was agressive, we wern't prepared to have her taken away from us so soon (4 months from terminal diagnosis). In hindsight I am thankful we got this information now, and I beleive the Dr let us know on purpose against Mums wishes to prepare us, as we were so protective of her. She has left a huge hole in our lives, and each day has its challenges, which I know you will all understand. I truly wish you all strength, clarity and love during your battles with yourself and/or your loved ones going through this, it is not easy and any opportunity for fundraising or assistance I am putting myself our there, in memory of my dear Mum and for all of you. Thanks again, Lara

[SILLY]

My condolences to you and your dad .Your mum did not survive as long as the doctor predicted but it meant that her suffering was of a shorter duration. It was so good that you and your dad were there for her for the whole time . No doubt you will be there for each other now .