Endless Tears

[sammycat]

It has now been a year since I lost my beautiful mum and life was never to be the same. Trying to move forward while hitting countless walls of emotion and pain. I thought I knew what pain was but then I lost my mum and I now know there is no pain like losing those we hold nearest and dearest to us. Endless tears of happiness and love when I remember times we shared and then endless tears of pain for missing her beuatiful face, longing to hear her voice, feel her embrace to hear words of encouragement when I enter times of darkness. Endless tears for many questions that start with WHY... I look back on the year that has past and know I have come so far but still feel I have such a long way to go. Figuring out that you can feel so lonely in a room full of people. I know I will keep going and living life but the days when you meet those walls are hard, I fall and most importantly I get back up.

[craftyone]

Hi Sammycat, I think that losing ones parents, especially if they die at that age that is not old enough to seem like their lives have been long enough. I know how you feel, I lost my mother when I was in my mid-twenties a long time ago and over the years since then every now and then I think of how nice it would have been if we had have had the time to become close as friends, not just mother and daughter. Yes, we were close, but with her illness we just didn't have that opportunity. I am very grateful that I had the time with her that I had, but it doesn't replace that adult relationship that I missed. Time does heal, but you will never get over losing her, you will just treasure that time that you did have. Good luck and let yourself grieve for a little while longer, craftyone

[chris_martin]

Hi Sammycat.I really feel for your loss and I am a bit behind you. My 83 yr old dad has oesophageus cancer(I still can't say those words-He is dying from cancer!!) I have been trying to get him to come and live with me and he is here now for another week and is talking of coming back in May and stay for 3 weeks. At the moment I just feel relieved that he is here and he has been eating food that I cook for him and even putting on a little weight. Yesterday was awful as he had a bad fall and hit his head on concrete and I thought I had lost him!! I just don't know how I will cope when he does go and I can't even think about it now and am so sick and tired of people saying "you will get over it" but I can't see that happening. Like you my life will never be the same as I will always be listening for his voice or wanting to call him. Does time really heal the pain as so many have told me because I don't think I can live without my dad. Thanks for listening. Chris

[sammycat]

Thanks Craftyone. I definately need alot longer to grieve. I find I cant sit still since my mum passed and I still hate night times as my mind wont let me rest. I recently asked the question of my grandfather (my mums dad) does he think my sleep pattern will return to normal. He said he hopes so because his hasn't. Time will tell I guess. Thank god my employers are so good to me.

[sammycat]

Hi Chris You sound like you have a very close relationship with your father as I did with my mother. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't give to have her back. I realise now that nothing can prepare us for when we lose our loved ones. I lost my grandmother 8 weeks after her initial Cancer diagnosis. I was there with her when she passed and also with my mum. Whether they are 60 yrs of age (my mums age when she passed) or 100 years of age, we always wish we had more time with them. On reflection of the 14 months I spent caring for my mum I know she hated losing her independance and having to rely on myself and her father to do everything for her. Mum was always the one to put everyone elses needs before her own, she was a truly selfless lady. She used to get upset when she'd see me come home from work to go straight into the kitchen cook her dinner, feed her, shower her, give her meds and then see to myself. I know she wanted nothing more than to help me. I said to her if it were me in your position you would do the same for me wouldn't you? To which she replied, yes. I can relate to alot of what you are saying. My mother had trouble eating most of the time, quite a few falls and each one was while I was with her. When they fall it certainly gives you a big scare. Mum fell one afternoon, I had bought a new car and we had just been our for a drive in it. She was so happy! She wanted to be independant so much that she took off from the car and when I rounded the corner of the house there she was on the floor. She was an absolute mess due to her skin being so thin. I just wanted to wrap her in cotton wool. It broke my heart. I don't know how many times I joked with her that we should get in my car and run away. She was my everything. Don't get me wrong there are many times and days I remember something about my mum and laugh to myself. I now find it alot easier to share stories of memories I have of her with people. Only since the new year have I started really getting into socialising again and going out with my friends. I do have more good days now. The key for me to getting through losing my mother was keeping busy all the time because if I sat around my mind would just keep thinking and thinking. I do still have problems with this at night. Again that inner strength that we have comes through and pushes us along. As well as my mums voice in the back of my head telling me off for crying or sitting about dwelling on things. I hear her telling me to get on with things and what good is sitting there crying doing. When I find myself having a bad day I allow myself to have a cry but then I just have to pick myself up and push on. I personally don't think you get over losing your loved one but we do carry on with our lives and make the most of everyday. The one thing I have found is that you don't go through what we are witnessing without coming through the other side and having an appreciation of the importance of each day, telling people we love them and spending time with those we love. It changes your perspective on things and for me it changed my perspective on people as well. I also realise what is really important to me now is not the same prior to my mums passing. Sorry for the novel sized reply. Take care of yourself Chris

[chartas]

I lost my mum one month ago from a brain tumour. She too was 60 yrs old. She passed one week after her diagnosis. I read your post and thought you had read my mind. My mum was everything to me, my best friend, my lifeline, my everything. Watching her go from the mum that i knew my whole life, to have left side weakness, to not being able to walk, to not being able to swallow, to being in a coma has absolutley shattered me, I am broken. She fought hard but the tumour had satellited across her brain and took over. My world has frozen still but the rest of the world goes on around me. I am on autopilot and i have a 3 yr old and an 18 month old to care for and love. I have waves of grief and anxiety which winds me. Forever is too long and like you I miss her voice, her advice her presence. She was such a selfless woman who never judged and accepted people for who they were, not what they were or where they came from. Sorry for my long winded reply but I have only just become a member of this site and found your post.

[chris_martin]

Hi Sammycat. Well I lost my precious dad only 13 days ago and I don't know where I will go from here. At the moment I am lucky to have my grandkids here every day on school hols and I feel that I have to be strong for them but once they go home then the tears start and I wonder if I will ever stop crying. I miss my dad so so much. I know I have beautiful memories of him and I feel him all around me but I just don't know how to let go and I don't want to- I just want him back!!! I am really thankful that my daughter and I slept with him on his last night(as stressful as it was) and we were with him holding his hands when he went but that still doesn't make it any easier. As you said nighttimes are the worst- I wake screaming etc and can't see it getting any better- when does this pain go away if ever.

[smmee]

I have lost my husband only recently. I am lost, numb but i suppose this is nothing new to any one who reads this. I do not know how to move forward. i dont know where to look for help. I have a son who is only 17 months who has lost his dad. We are alone like most of you. where to go what to say.

[vinouche]

I lost my mum 8 years ago, and to this day I miss her. Sge was my best friend, and many times did I go to her for her opinion on how to tackle my boy's ADHD. I miss her strong shoulder on which I would cry when time were difficult. I still cry on special dates and also out of the blue. The pain does not really go away, but it does get easier. It is good to cry, as it releases tension, so in that respect she is still with me supporting me, and I am grateful for it. S