Hello from a grieving widower

[#1]

Hi all, my name is Lisa and i'm 30 years of age. I have recently become a widower. My late husband (35) passed away in October 2009 from Pancreatic Cancer which had spread into his lymph nodes and into the Stomach and eventually his bones. He fought the battle as long as he could 18 months, I don't like to say that the cancer won but rather his body chose to start shutting down (though not the mind) towards the end of last year. When I think about it, he did remarkably well as the Oncologist was surprised he even lasted 3-6months after the prognosis. We got engaged in July 2007 and planned the wedding for September 2008 (before the disease came into our lives) but we were still able to get married as planned we were able to change the week of his Chemotherapy treatment. I am so fortunate that we were able to see our first wedding anniversary together. I miss him so much, but I would never wish him back if he were to be in such bad health. I am going through the grieving process and seem not to be able to stop crying. I was doing so well just after his passing (was able to keep preoccupied) but I'm finding it much harder now that family and friends have gone back to their own lives. I'm making an appointment to see a social worker with the palliative care team this week to help me through this real tough period. If there is anyone that would like to drop a line please feel free.

[#2]

Hello Lisa, You are so young to be dealing with such grief. Life can be just so unfair at times. I hope you can find comfort from this site. When you are feeling down feel free to release your emotions. I and many others are always here to listen. Contacting the Social Worker is a good idea, they will give you support through this difficult time. Take care now. Reindeer xx

[benlisecca]

Hi Lisa, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, such a unbelievably tough thing to go thru at any age let alone at 30. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and this site is a great way to find an empathetic and supportive ear. We are all here whenever you need someone. big hugs Sharon xxxxx

[Jules2]

Hi Lisa Ahhhh so sorry to hear about your husband. Grief is such a tough thing for us to go through and yet we must. It can be confusing and conflicting because we wouldnt wish the person back as they were and yet! I found for me, when i lost my father, it was the yet part that was very difficult to get my head around. Sometimes we just need to cry till we cant anymore and dont feel guilty for that. It is natural, normal and healthy for you to be doing that. It is hard when everyone gets back to their lives and you are left inn essence to forge a new one for yourself. I often refer to being diagnosed with cancer as making me a "new me" and in essence i think it does that to all of us that are involved whether that be carer, relative or friend. My thoughts are with you and i hope you find the counselling some help. This site is great for being able to share feelings and everyone understanding. hugsss Julie

[CATS]

Hi Lisa I was very sorry and saddened to read that you have become a widower at such a young age. Yes it will be difficult for quite a while, but you will always have your memories which no one can ever take from you. Remember the fun times, the good times before cancer reared its ugly head and live in the knowledge that your husband is no longer suffering. Cry as much as you want, crying is good - after my Dad was taken by cancer, I think I shed a lifetime of tears; I never thought I would recover from his death , but I did - took quite a while but I made myself think that Dad would not want me to be so sad. He would have wanted me to go on living and remembering our good times - it worked for me - try it, don't expect it to happen overnight - but you will recover and find comfort. As others have said- use this site - it really is a great way of healing and finding comfort - we have all been through and are going through some horrible experiences so we all do understand. Take care of yourself and do something nice for yourself that you can imagine your husband wanting for you.xx

[thaker]

Hi I too am a cancer widow. My husband had GBM and passed away in December 2009, 10 months after diagnosis. His too was a case of his body giving in and not being able to cope any further with the stress of chemo and the recurrence of the tumour. I would not wish that much pain on anyone. We were married for 11 years and have 2 girls. I am 36, not as young as you, but there is never a good time to lose your partner. I have been seeing a counsellor since May 09 but our sessions now are grief counselling sessions. I can't get my head around the fact that this time last year we didn't know there was anything wrong with him and our lives were so normal. It feels like I blinked and now am living an alternate reality. I am learning that grieving is a long process and that there some breaks I can't fix. What makes it difficult is that the scars I bear are internal and on the outside I look perfectly ok. Hope it goes well with the social worker. Sangeeta

[Teacher_Mum]

Hi Lisa, My deepest and sincerest wishes for you. I had cancer and I lost Mum to cancer and I understand how the grief can be overwhelming. I was pregnant when mum passed away and my little girl will never meet my mum so mother's day is a bittersweet time for me but as time goes on it gets easier. I kept busy for a while whilst I was pregnant with my little girl (I was 8 weeks pregnant at the time) so 7 months worth of focusing positive and birth etc, but just after labour, where everything had settled down and my little baby was snug I howled into my pillow and I think it took me 4 years to be able to come to terms with the loss. Allow yourself to heal, to cry to remember and to be gentle with yourself. Thinking of you and wishing you the best Teach xxxx

[larn75]

Hello Lisa, My best friend passed away around this time last year and I alwaya think of his wife. His was not cancer but I think of her on every occassion/holiday /birthday etc. WIth it being one year since he passed I racked my brains for something to help her. Words seemed inadequate, so I paid for her to have a pamper day, a one hour full body massage. It is so important to take that time for yourself when you are grieving or going through any hard journey in life, but she is a working Mum so I thought that part of her care would be neglected. This way she was atlleast going to have one hour to relax. Welcome to the site. I hope we can all make your journey a llittle easier just by being here. Alana' xxx

[#9]

Dear Sangeeta, My heart goes out to you and your girls. I won't say that I know how you feel as we all feel differently but I can only express that losing someone so close is life shattering. Like you noted that it doesn't matter what age you are you can be in your twenties or your eighties and its the same emotional rollercoaster you go along. I really hope that your counselling sessions have been a help to you and also your family. I as of yet haven't spoken to a counsellor, time just seem to slip away so fast. My husband passed away in October 09 and it only feels like it all happened yesterday. One minute your husband is perfectly fine and then the next its all down hill. One thing that you wrote on your post 'what makes it difficult is that the scars you bear are internal and on the outside you look perfectly ok' I couldn't agree with you more about that being me too, I feel like I've been keeping it all together for so long for family and friends, they have had their time to come to terms with everything but I just feel like I haven't been allowed to have mine. So I really share the same pain you are feeling. I hope it brings a small comfort to you to know that even though it feels like your the only one that is going through please rest assured that I and many others are going through the same pain and are hear to listen and lend an ear. Keep up your strength and pass on my thoughts to your children. Lisa

[tkay0207]

Hi Lisa, My name is Veronica. I am 31 (just turned 31 in Jan) and I also just lost my husband, Simon (36) to GBM in Oct 2009. It's hard... We met when I was 18 and have never been apart until now. We have a 7.5 months old son together and I am terrified of the future!!! Lisa, I am soooo comforted to have read your post - I now know I am not alone (felt like it though). I try to smile, I try to get on with things, I try to breathe but it all takes a lot of effort. I know what you mean about friends and family going back to their own lives. It's lonely out there but I feel bad asking them to stay a little longer. I am feeling so many things at once that it is hard to differentiate them. I like to constantly talk about Simon because it makes me feel good but I know people are looking at me strange. Why should they feel uncomfortable when it is me who is grieving? Lisa, I hope we can be in touch. I hope we can help one another somehow. I hope we can both heal and learn to smile and laugh again. I want to take a full breath of fresh air without feeling the tightness in my chest.