Wishing time would stand still just for a day, just to catch my breath, gather my thoughts.
I'm already wishing for 2011, having lost my mum in March 2009, a friend losing her mum to cancer in December 2009 where I attended my first funeral since the loss of my mother. Cancer again has reared it's head in 2010 in another friends life as it has for so many of us on this site.
Is it just me or does it seem that cancer is almost becoming as common as a cold/flu?
I log onto this site and read peoples entries and it just puts everything into perspective for me. Such strength, courage and determination. So many truly inspirational/heroic people are out there in the world battling through. Juggling the everyday tasks of work, cooking, cleaning, running children here and there all while battling cancer or caring for those we love. Life is just so prescious but it goes by so quick while we juggle our lives daily demands. Again I say, wouldn't it be nice for time to stand still for us to catch up?
The end of my vent...
I couldn't agree more with the common nature of this disease. I have attended 3 funerals of people under 55 in 5 years. 2 were very close friends and the other a close friend of my brother.
Each one makes me grieve but 2 of them have been since my own diagnosis and I often find that I feel intense anger- perhaps this is a manifestation of my own fear.
I would love life to take a breath and allow me to catch up as well. I write this as I head off to yet another appointment - this time with the acupuncturist for my crazy feet.
At least I am here to have the appointments!!
Pardon me for getting emotional here, I have tears in my eyes reading your post and the sentiments expressed in it. It made me remember before the 17th of August 2009, when on certain days I was late to the hospice to visit my dad whilst he lie there slowly dying from prostate cancer (it was quite a distance from where I lived) or where I was so used to my father being in palliative care that I never thought that his passing would be just around the corner and in the way it happened.
I feel such immense guilt and sorrow that I never had time to say, Dad I love you and thank you for being so good to me. It was taken out of my hands. I wish I could have frozen possibly the last time dad was ever out of hospital or palliative care, just for the day, we took him to his beloved Coogee beach on Australia day and he would sit there up to his ears in painkillers, but he still wore his Australia shirt and the aussie flag tattoo put on his left cheek by my brother and his girlfriend. Even though he was unable to walk, but he enjoyed the sea, the serenity and the peace had from his illness just for those few hours.
I just wanted dad to have some relief. I forgot my own life for 5 years and then I became complacent, I thought dad would hang on for last christmas, I thought he would be in a possible clinical trial that might help. I knew his illness was terminal, but I had faith and hope that God would not take him away as yet. It is my personal belief that palliative care probably preempted his death more than anything else, as as soon as he went into palliative care, he became lost and gave up. There were some fantastic caring people in Palliative care, but for dad, so desperate to live, he was condemned to a facility where he was sent to die, in the end they couldnt' relieve his pain, it turned into one opiod filled nightmare.
To this day, I cry almost each day and have regrets of ways I dealt with this illness, if only I had sought help from other places earlier, perhaps he would be still here today. I know some that are terminally ill can't wait for death to find their release from their illness, but not dad, despite the pain, he still wanted to live. So badly. He used to ask us to please keep him awake as he was scared he'd never open his eyes again. After his procedure I was the last person he spoke with.
I still come here, even though I'm no longer a carer, I'm now a family member who has survived the unimaginable in my own mind, and stil very much want to help and to try and comfort others. I come here too and read the stories and comments and really pray that 2010 will bring some exciting developments and treatments for everyone suffering from cancer here.
Sammycat, thank you for your post.
Hi there. Maybe you can help me in my time of need. When reading your comment that is exactly my thoughts at the moment. My 83 yrold dad was diagonised with oesophageus cancer about 12 mths ago and has been in hospital having a stent put in for some relief as he can't swallow etc. We had a big scare last week when he was found on bathroom floor vomiting blood!!! He is now home and sounding a little better but I know his condition is terminal but even though I have asked him to come stay with me all he is worried about is that I'm ok - I just want to care for my dad in his last days but he is so so positive that he will be around for a long time and has even planned my Xmas present 2011. I am just so lost as I know I am losing him and haven't really got any family support as they all seem to realize he has to go but I can't as he has always been my rock and strength.I know how you must have felt as my dad is so positive and doesn't want to go despite the pain but I don't know how to help. Thanks for listening xo Chris
Lots of funerals -
All younger than me,
All from cancer,
Hits you in the guts of'
We wish that we had
A magic wand here,
To make times arrow,
loop, change, or stop,
The guilt-pain tracked fear.
But there is no such
Magic wand that will halt,
The moving finger
Writing on the wall of
Of life's rich banquet.
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
Hi PS. Thank you SO SO much for your kind words and advice. I know now that there are people out there who are or have been through what I'm going through now and I feel for you all so much. I just pray that God gives me the strength to get through this (even today my son had a car accident!!) and at the moment I don't know how much more I can take but I do know I have to support my dad and he is so positive although I know he is only being like that for me and I love him so much. Thank you all for your kind words xo Chris
Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.