Hi Sammycat,
Pardon me for getting emotional here, I have tears in my eyes reading your post and the sentiments expressed in it. It made me remember before the 17th of August 2009, when on certain days I was late to the hospice to visit my dad whilst he lie there slowly dying from prostate cancer (it was quite a distance from where I lived) or where I was so used to my father being in palliative care that I never thought that his passing would be just around the corner and in the way it happened.
I feel such immense guilt and sorrow that I never had time to say, Dad I love you and thank you for being so good to me. It was taken out of my hands. I wish I could have frozen possibly the last time dad was ever out of hospital or palliative care, just for the day, we took him to his beloved Coogee beach on Australia day and he would sit there up to his ears in painkillers, but he still wore his Australia shirt and the aussie flag tattoo put on his left cheek by my brother and his girlfriend. Even though he was unable to walk, but he enjoyed the sea, the serenity and the peace had from his illness just for those few hours.
I just wanted dad to have some relief. I forgot my own life for 5 years and then I became complacent, I thought dad would hang on for last christmas, I thought he would be in a possible clinical trial that might help. I knew his illness was terminal, but I had faith and hope that God would not take him away as yet. It is my personal belief that palliative care probably preempted his death more than anything else, as as soon as he went into palliative care, he became lost and gave up. There were some fantastic caring people in Palliative care, but for dad, so desperate to live, he was condemned to a facility where he was sent to die, in the end they couldnt' relieve his pain, it turned into one opiod filled nightmare.
To this day, I cry almost each day and have regrets of ways I dealt with this illness, if only I had sought help from other places earlier, perhaps he would be still here today. I know some that are terminally ill can't wait for death to find their release from their illness, but not dad, despite the pain, he still wanted to live. So badly. He used to ask us to please keep him awake as he was scared he'd never open his eyes again. After his procedure I was the last person he spoke with.
I still come here, even though I'm no longer a carer, I'm now a family member who has survived the unimaginable in my own mind, and stil very much want to help and to try and comfort others. I come here too and read the stories and comments and really pray that 2010 will bring some exciting developments and treatments for everyone suffering from cancer here.
Sammycat, thank you for your post.
