Loneliness

[Deb1]

How do you describe the absolute loneliness I feel. People say you should learn to like your own company,

I do during the day but evening are so long. There is no one around, my children live a long way away and I live in a rural area. I think others think I should be able to cope, but I hate it and I don’t want to be here by myself. I drink to numb the pain and I hate myself for being so weak. Sometimes I feel I just can’t be bothered with it anymore.

[RJG]

Hi @Deb1 ,

My Dad was in a similar situation to you. He lived alone on a 1,000 Ha property near Glen Innes. He had overcome bladder cancer and had to deal with a urostomy bag. He survived like this for something like 15 years before he passed away from pneumonia.

He used to call me twice a week. I had 4 siblings, so I expect that he called at least one of us each night. And then he had his property, cows and sheep to look after. He was also interested in dancing and so taught ballroom dancing to teenagers in preparation for debutante balls. And then he would go on a big "holiday" every 3 or so years to visit us all, one at a time. He also had a crush on a younger woman - a case of unrequited infatuation.

This all kept him adequately occupied and he simply got on with whatever needed to get done. The one good thing about my Dad's approach was that he managed to keep off the booze - 3 of his 4 brothers had been alcoholics.

So why not call your family on a regular basis and, even better, talk to them face to face via Skype? And surely you can find some interest that will get you out to mingle with others at night? Next time you are in town, go along to your local rissole or bowls club and join up in one or two evening activities - even if you don't like the particular activity, the companionship can only do you good.

Just get on your bike and start enjoying life while you can.

Let us know how you get on!

Big hugs,

Rick

[Deb1]

Thank you Rick for your message, my husband died 3 weeks ago, we were together for 40 years. We live 60 kms from the nearest town, our area is somewhat isolated, there are things I would like to get involved in, but I hate the travelling especially at night because of the kangaroos on the roads. I do talk to my children regularly.

[Budgie]

Hi Deb1,

I'm sorry for your recent loss. Are there any activities you can partake in during the day time? Being alone would be terrible at this time for you. You need to have something to keep you occupied & happy, as life goes on.
Do you have someone to talk to? You know you can always call the Cancer Council, or Lifeline. It can never hurt to talk to someone.
Have you thought about moving closer to your children? Are they very far away from you?
I wish you all the best Deb1

Budgie

[RJG]

I used to keep saying to my Dad that he should move closer. But then I realised that his situation was different. He enjoyed running his hobby farm (it was actually about 1,300 Ha, but most of it was virgin bush) and he had good neighbours (that changed after Dad died). And there was always the risk that he would move closer and then we would have to move to follow our careers leaving him stranded once again. So, for my Dad, it was best for him to stay where he was.

But, and I am trying to be realistic rather than sexist, it is likely to be a lot harder for a woman to deal with living alone in a rural setting - I know that my wife could not cope if I had succumbed to my dose of cancer. Perhaps thinking of moving is not a bad idea albeit the timing is not the best to get buyers for property in a rural setting during a period of drought.

The main thing is for you to decide what is best for you! And consider all the possible pros and cons of each option before you set off on your path to greater happiness. You just need to take the first step towards that fork in the road.

Big hugs,

Rick

[RJG]

Hi again,

Regarding social activities... Can you get involved in a performance (school or adult) where you can assist and/or participate during the day and then take things home to work on at night (eg, stage props, making outfits)?

Another idea is to write a book - autobiography, local history or fiction. Or a mix.

Also, you can keep your mind busy by helping out here - become a regular responder to other peoples' posts. Even if you don't have specific knowledge and/or experience, you can help others simply by responding an letting them know that they are not completely alone.

More big hugs,
Rick

[Katekat]

Hi @Deb1,

So very sorry to hear of the passing of your husband 💛

When you feel ready, you may like to consider our 6 week telephone-based support group for people who have lost a loved one to cancer. It's free and confidential, and even better, you can participate from the comfort of home. You are more than welcome to give the team a call on 1300 755 632 and have a chat with them, they are here Mon-Fri.

Cheers,

Kate

[Deb58]

Hi Deb

i’m a Deb too and know how you feel. 
I too am lonely. I lost my husband to Bowel Cancer nearly 2 years ago. 
It must be so hard for you living in a rural location. Do you have any friends nearby that you can catch up with?

My worst time are the weekends. I work during the week and come weekends I’m free but then friends are all spending time with family. 
Like you my 2 adult children live interstate. My daughter who is in the Army has shut me out of her life over something that has been misunderstood. My son and daughter in law are wonderful but I do appreciate they have there own life. 
Loneliness is such a terrible feeling Deb but I suppose we have to make the effort to get out and engage with life. So hard isn’t it. 
Maybe we could help and encourage each other 😘🤗

[Deb1]

Hi deb58,

I am okay during the day, and I do have activities to do during the day. 
I just need to change my late afternoon early evening routine when I am tired, and

i have had enough of the day.

i will at some time in the future move to a local town so I can participate in
evening Activities. It is about managing until then.

thank you for your message.

deb

[KaceJax]

great,  that's the spirit!