Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

[LindaG]

Hello Jamie, Michael and Bob. Your love for your wives despite your loss and immense pain is so beautiful.  Nothing anyone can say will help although that’s all people can do to try and help when all you probably need is hugs and a listening ear. It’s almost 2 years since I lost my beautiful mum and the first year was so bad and I didn’t want to hear “remember the good times”! It didn’t help me to remember the good times, it just made me want her back even more. It’s good that we can put our feelings out here and just get understanding. Bless you all, hold on to the hope of Heaven. 💕🙏 Linda G

[Michael53]

Hi to you Linda in these grieving times, i am not looking forward to the year ahead as our birthdays come around and Christmas without Tracy so will deal with them at that time as i am trying to take it day by day.

 Having this facility for us all to share our grief can only help as even though our circumstances may not be exactly the same the outcome was and we all have the raw greif that follows.  I miss her deeply every day and still find it difficult dealing with going to places that we use to go together, places like shopping and cafes even down to driving past or through places, it upsets me, but i must keep moving forward learning to deal with these thoughts as i tell myself “She is not coming back”. Only in the last few weeks have i been able to bring myself to start looking at photos of us together as i to found it very upsetting to do so.

i have started to pack her clothes up but  not ready to disturb her side of the bedside table, everything is still the way she had it and all her getwell bears she got throughout the kemo still sit on her side of the bed, its still to raw to even think about moving them,  its my way of maintaining the connection with her even though she isnt physically there.

[Michael53]

I am here to listen Jamie, our circumstances are so similar, i miss my Tracy so much, her touch,her voice, i miss being able to tell her about my day, its still hard for me to deal with these things as an hour doesnt go by that i am not thinking about Tracy. Every thing i do everywhere i go reminds me of when i was blessed with her presence and that is so hard to deal with. Its a hard road and a long road and it will take as long as it needs to learn to live without her.

 Stay positive Jamie.

[Jamie62]

Thanks Michael

I am going back to work today which is kind of bitter sweet. Looking forward to getting some structure back into my life but also a bit anxious about how productive I will be. Thanks for your listening ear.

Jamie

[Bob63]

Thank you Linda, I am grateful I found this website. Reading what Michael and Jamie are saying is really helpful too.

The other night I dreamed that I was talking with Eileen, when I woke up I knew it was a dream, but it was nice to talk with her again. The dream made me feel better for a few days, but reality slowly came back. Tonight I was going to make something to eat, chili dogs with cheese and onions. Eileen would complain she didn’t want that then eat half of mine. After all that came back I couldn’t do it so I went out and got a pizza instead.

Eileen slept in a hospital bed we had set up in the living room, and I slept in the den or the recliner next to her. I had left the bed how it was when she went to the hospital, and I sleep in the recliner now. Can’t bring myself to go and sleep in the bed. Her ashes are on a shelf in the living room so I can talk to her. The car still has her wheelchair in the trunk and her hospital bag in the back seat. Although I have been making changes all of her stuff is as it was when she went to the hospital.

Before the cancer came into our lives we did everything together, as long as she was with me it did not matter how long it took to get anywhere or do anything because we were together, now I just don’t have any purpose. Before I met Eileen I did all sorts of stuff, riding my motorcycle, dirt bike riding, water skiing, backpacking, but it was all empty it was just taking up time. With Eileen it was much more enjoyable to just sit around and talk or watch TV together. Before Eileen passed away I figured I would just retire after she passed, I had no idea I was going to be so lonely.

Michael, going back to work was not too bad some of the people I work with told me there were sorry about my wife passing away and others didn’t say anything, the first day was the roughest. The hardest part was going home afterwards, when I came into the house she was not there to say hi too or talk with. Each day did get a little easier, but I still miss her so very much.

Bob

[Michael53]

Bob i am exactly the same Tracy was my world and as it was with you nothing else mattered as i had  what i needed, now its so hard to move forward and learn how to be alone again but i think i am getting there, at my pace, we arent built to handle the grief very well, well i aint anyway. Yes coming home to no one is hard although i do have the dog and the cat so i make sure i have some time with them as sure they miss Tracy too.

I have Tracys ashes on a shrine i have for her just inside the door , she is the first thing i see and greet when i enter, and like you i talk to her too, we do what helps us get through this time. Our situations are so alike but we are so far apart but by sharing our grief i think it makes it better.

My grief has shifted to Loneliness now thats what i find hard, yes i have my two sons but its not the same as you would know.

If there is one minute positive out of this atleast my Tracy wont have to go through growing old and ending up being looked after in a nursing home, weird as that may seem thats what i think about but then going through what we are going through my mind thinks about a lot . I think its my minset of my grief at the moment.

Yesterday i could see myself ending up in that dark cloud that follows me so i decided i was getting on my Spyder three wheeler and i was going to try and enjoy the beautiful day that had presented itself, i think Tracy made that happen to help me, well thats what i am believing anyway. The ride was good but it also gave me time to think about her and yes it would cause it to rain in my helmet which is ok.

As each day comes  Bob i think i am slowely learning but nothing will ever replace Tracy, she will always be in my hart and i will make sure her legacy goes on in what ever form that will be.

Motovation  to keep moving ahead is hard to come by but i have to keep going forward, Tracy wouldnt want me to dwell, even though at the moment that is hard to even beleive that but i must and i will.

[Michael53]

Dont worry about how productive you will be you are dealing with a very traumatic time and you will do what you can. My day back was hard to deal with but it did me good too. I didnt think i would be ready to go back but i did and it was the best for me however you will find your way what is best for you Jamie.

Take it easy on yourself Jamie your first day back is a momentous day , it was for me and i can understand the anxiety that comes with it.

Let us know how it goes if you need to talk.

michael

[Jamie62]

Hi 

My first day back went quite well. I was distracted by tasks and to do lists. Felt myself tearing up at times but all in all I would say that it was a positive day.It is good to hear that you had a positive experience on the bike. I ride a bike with a group and find that is a good way to start the day. 

It helps to read your stories. 

Take care

Jamie

[Jamie62]

Good evening

Well my second day back at work was not great. Felt myself tearing up pretty much all day. I think it started when I changed insurance details on Josie's car as well as finalised her ashes internment. Too much confirmation that she is no longer with me. The reality of tasks at work combined with the surreal feelings that have come with her death have really thrown my thought process and sense of reality out. 

[Michael53]

This time will always be hard as it was for me, dont feel you have to hurry things along, you do them when you are ready to do them Jamie, i still have Tracys clothes that she was wearing into the hospital sitting on her side of the bed exactly how i put them there the day i brought them home, even her slippers havent moved infact nothing has moved its all it was when she was here with me and it will stay like that until i feel its time. I have her ashes with her photo sitting by the front door on her special little table with couloured lighting, she loved her coulored lights and that will stay there until i feel its time to finally say goodbye.

i have no rush it will happen in good time.

It is okay to feel like that Jamie, its okay to show emotion, take it easy at work and slowly edge yourself back into it as you feel it will still be there tomorrow or the next.

Going into my fourth week back i to still have my moments but i tell myself that i am allowed to feel this way and its totally alright to end up sobbing in a heap.

Michael