widowed i dont like that

LEE1ki
Occasional Contributor

widowed i dont like that

Hi  i am 44 my husband passed away 2 months ago after a 5 year battle with bowel cancer He was diagnosed as terminal at that time the cancer had already spread we had gone through surgery loads of chemo and sert radiation with what I can only say as a really hard battle we all lost, that is  we have children 8 ,15,17 and they had to go through it just as much as us as we always involved them in the whole journey or roller-coaster ride the ups and loads of downs never knowing what was around the next corner  was the hardest but we spent every second we could together I was by his side all the way, he passed at home  we chose to get help from pal care he also as I read earlier passed when i went out for five min  and i was always there for him that hurt real bad and others tell me that is what some people do but why I wanted to be with him not leave him to go alone .I thought i was ready for what was inevitable but truly i was not prepared for the loss .I suffer every day and i know some will tell me be thankful as I have beautiful children but it just isn't the same as having your life partner there to cry, laugh be happy all those moments life puts out there for us i just miss him so bad and i have no other family to talk to not that they would understand as they have not been through anything like this ....worst of all no one really understands how lonely it can be after spending my whole life together and then just like that gone i was 15 when we met and till now 28 years we were happy had each other for support i do think he hung on as long as he could because he knew i was not ready but i dont think  i would ever be. If there is anybody in this same or similar position and wants to talk i would be happy to or if you are going through and want to ask me questions if i can offer advise in any way i would be happy to 

11 REPLIES 11
sch
Super Contributor

Re: widowed i dont like that

Hi,

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband.

I lost my Dad to bowel cancer that he was diagnosed with when he was 52, and in turn I was diagnosed with bowel cancer a few years ago. As you say, the cancer and death effects everyone in the family.

 

I don't think that anyone here is going to try and over simplify things and tell you to just be thankful for your children. We understand how difficult this can be. Nothing is that simple.

 

I would recommend that you talk to someone who can at least try to start helping you though.

A starting point might be the Cancer Council help line https://www.cancer.org.au/support-and-services/cancer-council-13-11-20.

 

Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself?

How did you and your husband meet?

 

-s

 

Angel1
Occasional Contributor

Re: widowed i dont like that

I am so sorry to hear of your grief with the passing of you husband and your children's father. I hear you about the feeling lost indeed. I was with my beautiful partner Stephen for 11 years.  He has been my whole life along with my 4 children and his 3 children and my 8 grandchildren. It has been extremely hard, I have been riding the rollercoaster of up and down emotions. I haven't moved anything of his at all still in place just as if he is still here with me. My eldest daughter has been Staying with me and my sister lives in a contained living room down stairs, but i still feel alone, feeling very surreal, i haven't been in our car since before he went into pallitive care. Stephen passed away on the 17th of october. Still so soon. It is such a very difficult time to go through. Thinking of you. 

Angel1
Occasional Contributor

Re: widowed i dont like that

Sch. 

I am so sad to read your story about your father passing away with bowel cancer at 52yrs of age and now you have the same thing happening to you. I can't begin to Imagine how you must be feeling right now.  Especially after just loosing my beautiful partner to pancreatic cancer. I am just lost for words. Thoughts of love and peace for you. 

Butterfly
New Contributor

Re: widowed i dont like that

Hello,

My deepest sympathy to you and your family. 

 

I'm in a similar situation.  I'm a 40 y.o. window,  lost my beloved husband to bowel cancer two months ago, lost my first child (stillborn) 3 weeks after his father.

I am lost and looking for people alike to talk.

 

Take care. 

Amanda76
New Member

Re: widowed i dont like that

I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you are suffering. I feel I can really connect with your story. I’m 44 and my husband of 20 years was diagnosed with Mast Cell Leukaemia in August this year. We were given a prognosis of 3-7 months. We also have 3 children, 18,16 and 11 and have involved them in the entire process. I’ve taken long service leave to care for him at home and at this point in time he is doing ok. However, we know the inevitable and I feel like I’m already grieving. I’m so sad and worried about the loneliness and what lies ahead for me. I really do hope you find some happiness soon and your suffering becomes more manageable. When this does happen I would be grateful to know what helped you through. 

Patches
Contributor

Re: widowed i dont like that

so sorry to hear about your loss and I understand that horrid lost and alone feelings.

 

my husband passed away at home 6months after being diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  we had only been a couple of 8 years when he passed away but he was my constant companion and we had built a life together.  he decided to have chemo which caused him lots of side effects and infections which saw him being in and out of hospital for the last 6 months of his life.  Longest time he was home was the last 6 to 8 weeks of his life during which he had no chemo.  I took leave from work for the majority of that 6months.  my husband almost died in hospital on evening of 2 Jan 2020 due to massive infection due to cellulitis.  I didn't cope with hearing that news and we started living with my father-in-law and continued living there until the death of my husband.  I have my own home which I purchased before meeting my husband and, under unpleasant circumstances caused by my husbands sister, I moved back home about 2 weeks after my husband died.  my husband used to get angry with me when he was in hospital and would tell me he didn't want to see me, I realise now he was trying to prepare me for after he had gone.  I cried lots of tears during his last few months as I was grieving already.  

After moving back to my home life felt sureal.  about 6 weeks after coming back home I adopted 2 rescued kittens as I needed company and some one to love and share my life with.

About 6 weeks prior to Christmas things started to change and I found myself in tears on a regular basis and feeling so alone.  some mornings when I wake now part of me looks for my husband and I burst into tears knowing he is no longer with me.

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LEE1ki
Occasional Contributor

Re: widowed i dont like that

 Patches Thank you for your message it is good to know someone else understands. I do hope you had a great xmas and new year i know for me being the first one without my husband so very lonely but i am lucky that i do have children but just not the same but made it through i guess that is the main thing.  So how are you new fur friends i did the same thing i went out just after his passing and bought a kitten which i called toffee she has a lot of traits that remind me of my husband. So i think it is worth others thinking of getting a fur friend to really think about it It is its own therapy and you have something that relies and truly loves you and those cuddles you need at times.

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LEE1ki
Occasional Contributor

Re: widowed i dont like that

Thank you for sharing your story we sound like we  have alot in common i am sorry to hear you to are in that horrible position i would like to tell you if i may please spend all the time you can and record your husbands voice so you can hear him i wish i had of done that but that is me .I am also happy to hear you have involved your kids they to will be feeling it. I don't know what area you live in but i did find palliative care support workers came to my home which is little different than others i live on a boat, rain hail and shine they also offered me therapies and someone to talk to  to ask all the questions i needed answered .Little haven were awesome for me  I did keep him a.t home till his  last breath, which gave myself and kids the time they needed to say goodbye. Just give him as many cuddles you can everyday i don't know him or you but i am sending you all my best wishes and you will get through this. I found writing my thoughts out on paper was also helpful  just to release the hurt and anger i had .Let the tears flow

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LEE1ki
Occasional Contributor

Re: widowed i dont like that

Hi i do hope you are doing okay you shouldn't have to go through so much but they say there is a reason i dont know myself what it is maybe just to make us stronger or love the ones we have closest to us more.But thank you for letting me in on your feelings sorry i have not been able myself to read about others grief and loss i have had some ups and downs with xmas Wish you all the best

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