T's scan came back suggesting restaging. Looks like we are back on the rollercoaster. Have to wait 3 months for a special scan as there is only one machine in Qld that can do it. Is that a good sign? The fact that the scan is not on rush through.
sigh, I hate amusement park rides. 😞
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We are always hear to listen and sometimes just sharing can make the load a bit lighter. There is always someone who has been through the same or similar situations so you always know someones really does understand what you are going through or feeling. Welcome. Vent away. It is unbelievably therapeutic.
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It starts with my pre-cancers. All fixed, feel lucky they were pre-cancers and not anything worst. Life goes on. A small op and they are behind us. Marriage struggles through this. I am not supported. Good thing I am strong. Can get through with some help from friends.
More pain. Cysts on ovaries. Couple more ops. Bigger ones this time. Longer recuperation. No support from T. Even met with anger, I did this deliberately?? Kids watch all this. Friends awesome, as always.
All well health wise, T blues with kids. Should I leave? Hate being in the middle. He never seems happy with them no matter what they do. Eldest becomes depressed. Doc talks of anti-depressants. Start couselling for her. seems to do the trick.
Mamogram discover more pesky cysts. Thankful again that is all they are. T asks, y do I have to have so many problems? He is sick of it. Kids watch. Contemplate leaving, again. To chicken to do it. Stay.
New job. T happier for little while. Meet some nice people. Loose a long time friend to Breast Cancer. Told not to bother telling people that night at friends party by T. Moon has two stars above it. Looks like a smiley face. Is she telling us she made it to heaven. Shed a quiet tear. Busted by T, annoyed with me. Wish I had the guts to leave him.
Grandad still in hospital after six months. Find out he has leukemia, incurable. dies within a few days. Told why bother being upset, he probably wished himself to die, he was always over dramatic and liked attention. Thanks yet again for the support T.
Less than two weeks later. Lose my best friend for life to suicide. Bipolar brought on by earlier brain injury. Drs assure us he just couldnt help it. Gutted. So gutted. Part of me is gone forever. 24 years of friendship and I have lost him. I will never be the same. Mandatory that I join the third of the three amigos at the funeral. A fight to go but nothing will stop me being there, not even T. Leave day before oz day. Girls will join me day after the funeral for a wedding. T coming day before wedding as hates family holidays. Funeral was so very hard. Cant be true. This world is not the same without you. Can I bear to open my eyes and realise Pabs is no longer here.
Wake held at Pabs brothers. Spend the day with his family and my other amigo. Good memories with a new hard edge. One that cuts.
Cry all night. Call T. Told to deal with it, s#*t happens. Its part of life.
Mind made up. Girls and I will be moving out as soon as we get home. Last straw. This one cuts too deep. 8 years of this in various forms. Wake up girl. Nothing is going to change. Life is too short and I am here to make a difference. Time to move on.
Wedding beautiful despite the 42 degree day. Gotta love Adelaide. I have lots to do as part of the wedding party, and T has a few mild tantrums. Ignore it. Fingers crossed I will only have a few more weeks of this and I will be moving out. T been complaining of feeling unwelland hernia repair seems to be taking its time healing.
Sit down to try talking to T about us moving out. He is still complaining of feeling unwell and is now confessing to be in a lot of pain. I take him to dr who suggets a colonoscopy. T is so sick so I take him to emergency room. They keep him there and attempt to prep him for colonoscopy. Cant keep gunk down. So sick. They get colonoscopy done.
T diagnosed with bowel cancer, on Pabs birthday. The journey you all know about. yay remission at the end of it all and obviously I stuck around.
Attitude did not improve towards the kids however and in fact become much much worse so one year after diagnosis us girls left. Lots of counselling sessions and love and support has seen us girls start to improve. Find out that middle child had been seriously contemplating suicide before we left, her hair had started falling out and her body weight had dropped to 18%. Scary scary revelation. Things looking good, middle child who had a medical absence from school for whole term starts talking about going back. Yay such a huge step. T struggles, calls ten, eleven times a day. txts a lot and calls in with lame excuses. trying to be patient as things must be hard for him alone in that big house. Apart from T's troubles, us girls are settling well. Lots of laughs in our house. Dont realise how good a childs laugh is till you dont hear it for a long time. We are going to come out of this strong us girls. Pabs Place is starting to take shape. My businesses are taking off. Life is going along great after lots and lots of hard work to get us here. Hope T will be alright. i go to counselling with him to help him get through all this. Dont want to go back just want him to get well and enjoy life.
Scans today suggest cancer restaging. Can I come home?
I cant, just cant. feel physically sick thinking about it. Girls wont survive him again. Cant do it. Please......no more
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sorry to hear that Vera. Some days I get tired of making excuses for people so I wont do that today. My mum was not supportive at all, my Dad on the other hand was great. Hubby's mum was over-supportive lol. we got so tired of her ringing every 2nd day. couldnt help but think maybe I was over-sensitive to everything because of my heightened stress levels. then again mayne thats me slipping in another excuse forother peoples INsensitivity haha. Anyway what I do know is that I would have been lost without this site! It usually made sense to me even when nothing else did, including my own feelings LOL!
Take care everyone
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Been away for a couple of weeks then moved in to my new place last week. Phew busy busy girl lol. Was lovely to read your post, way to go guys!! What is your special project 🙂 Can't wait to concentrate on mine now that we are settling. Just got all my Esteem cards printed up with Pabs Place on the back, plus letterbox fliers, postcards, letterheads and normal cards so I can well and truly get the word out there. I also landed a sponsor woo hoo. Felt like a pause in momentum when I went away but I will get that ball rolling again quick smart.
Yay for you guys!!! Happy thiings are looking up.
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Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.