It's been so long since I was last in here Mrs Elton, however I do think of you often....we walk a similar path in so many ways.
Like you, we are coming up to four years now and it really hasn't got easier, we adjust very slowly to the "new normal" and it's a shame that others think we have to adjust at their speed.
I find it hard to be tolerant of people these days who are (in my opinion) complaining about trivial things and yes, I feel selfish because a part of me understands everyone has their own baggage to carry and that to them it is probably heavy.
Another thing I try to remember, is my friends aren't deliberately trying to hurt me, they just don't understand my pain and thus many times try to make a comparison in the effort to identify in some way with me, it may be clumsy from my perspective but I am sure they don't act with malice intention.
I really hope there are days of light for you and your children....
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Yep, I am still in limbo land....thinking of getting a job as a limbo dancer now....
Nothing has changed,and I mean nothing at all....it has not got easier, despite all the words of wisdom from many in the early days.
I still feel like I am having a heart attack every week...some days the pain is so bad I feel it radiate down my arm and into my wrists , to the palms of my hands into my fingers.....some days so bad all I can do is cry and hold my hands under cold water to get the cirulation back....however the doctor is still adamant it is all in my mind....
I still look like crap......and I don't care if I don't try to look half decent....I just can't find a reason to do all the "brush my hair" "find a matching bag for the shoes" "wear a dress instead of the requisite track suit" thing at all......
We are still no closer to resolution of Marks estate, we are still,if not more, invisible at this point of time....to all except the lawyers who are battling Marks business partner so he doesn't scarper off into the sunset and leave us with the liabilities and homeless within the next few months....
I still look out the window and see him walking down the path to go to work at 6am and then at the end of the day 5.30pm I could swear on a bank of bibles I see him walking up the path , stop to pat the dog and chat to him and then walk towards the door to come in for a cool drink.
I still hear him laugh, or scoff with disbelief, if I watch the television shows he loves......
I can still hear him talking to me, I guess I am supposed to feel comfort in this , but, I don't feel anything except that maybe I am finally going out of my mind, that this could be good because soon I wont know who I am or care anymore.
On my birthday I imagined him sitting across from me and with that beautiful look in his eyes telling me how much he loved me....this day was so bad, I numbed myself with alcohol and fell into our bed in a mind numbing drunken stupor clutching his jumper and breathing into it so deeply in hope it would give me the oxygen I lack now he is gone.
And here we are now my lovely friends, just around the corner from Christmas, the time when we would be putting up the tree and getting into the mood for what was THE best time of our lives, work finished for a month very shortly, too much partying, too much eating,too much drinking, too much laughter, too much dancing, too much loving.......
Instead, I will sit here as I do every day....too much missing him...too much crying....too much loneliness...too much dying slowly inside....too much sadness.........too much overwhelming sadness....too tired...too much loss.....
So, back to limbo dancing.
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Gee your work place management need a smack with a "clue stick" , so much for being in the days of good HR and showing emotional IQ.
It could have made more sense if the management had asked you if you wanted to talk about the impact of the scenario from "your" perspective....they'd have then got a realistic understanding instead of relying on a "fictional" account.
Oh Yes.... I relate totally to the relative "invisibility" thing too.....the same as happened here, Marks family, all bar one brother, have virtually forgotten us!
Anyone would think that by our darlings dying of cancer , we have now been infected and we're going to spread the disease to anyone who comes in contact....
My poor darling son said as much this week, when I overheard him asking his sister why people were not helping us anymore.....he can't understand "why Aunty "D" or his stepsister don't phone him as much anymore"
My daughter who is a little more succinct/cluey about human behavior was consoling her brother with answers like " Ohhhh they're probably busy" "they still love us but are working hard" etc etc
I hate to think that my "to do pile" is still going to be there in a years time......and yet right now I don't think I have a choice as to how quickly things will sort out, so I figure I'll just try dealing with todays hell...
((hugs to you))
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Jill we are more similar than you realise!!
I too now am trying to deal with Marks business partner, he is now the sole Director, however I inherited the other share!
You would think that with the business partner things would be easier, noooooo way, he is hell bent on selling our family home now so he can pay out the company debts and then run off into retirement that he should have taken 3 YEARS AGO!
So I wonder if I would have had it easier if I had been the sole Director....even with the hassles, at the very least I would be in charge of the decision making instead of dealing with the bureaucratic bull that comes with those ( accountants, lawyers,tax office, business partner) that think they can make all the choices about our familys future without ANY consultation from me.
And as for those that can't see me any more.....so much for their moot promises and platitudes of "don't worry we'll be here for you Jewel" "If there is anything you need, even a chat , just call and we'll listen"
I feel I'd have been better of emotionally if they had just stayed away completely rather than making me feel so invisible after telling me they would support me through this terrible time.
I am so angry and frustrated, they can rot in hell!
You're right Jill better to put the rest of the chores in the "deal with later" pile.....it's hard enough to deal with the external rubbish as well as the feeling of abandonment.
((hugs you tight))
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You know what?, when you all go silent as I walk pass you at the school gates, I notice.....you don't hide it very well.
I know I don't look so great these days and I may seem a bit aloof, however I am trying really hard to do as you all suggest "get on with it" "look after myself" "be strong for the kids"......
It really has amazed me how quickly the phone has become silent.
I have tried to talk to you,I have phoned you in an attempt to reach out, but the conversation is now stilted from your end and you hang up as quickly as you can.....after nearly 25 years of friendship, I don't know, maybe I am expecting too much to ask for your time?
Yes, I know you are just sticking to your company protocol, but gee, how can I help resolve the matter if you won't give me the information I need for an account that is in both our names? Yes I sent you a certified death certificate.... Yes I know I am not the "primary account holder" holder....what shall I do? Should I bring his ashes down to your office so you can see for yourself?
Oh great thanks, you'll remove Marks name from the health cover, you'll change our health cover from a "Family Cover" to a "Single Parent Cover" and charge me 2 dollars shy of the same amount with the same benefits....however I am lost as to where you think we are no longer still a family?
Gahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Humans are so stupid sometimes.
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My son looks at me with tears in his eyes...
I ask him how he is feeling and he replies,
"I am scared to think about the good memories mum"
I ask him "why?"
He replies "because the good memories are good then I remember I wont be able to make any more with dad" "who will I look up to now mum?"
He starts to sob, so I pull him to me and hold him.
I can't say anything, not one word can be said because I am fighting the gut wrenching lump in my throat and I feel like vomiting.
All I can do is hold him.
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Many thanks to all of you,
for reading my ranting and understanding....as I know many of you are experiencing your own levels of conflict and pain too.
The circumstances around my story have not improved, I don't expect things will change for some time......I do however, appreciate your caring enough to write your thoughts and wishes.
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I am not coping very well, the pain and anguish I feel is unbearable most days, I seem to be swinging between relentless crying, dry retching, to zombie state.
I have been to the Doc to get some antidepressants - god knows if it is the right thing I want as they don't seem to work either.
The loneliness is overwhelming, I can't believe he has gone, I keep hearing his voice and seeing his face...... I cannot sleep in our bed anymore, it exacerbates the loneliness and if I do sleep , my night is full of nightmares.
I feel like my life is a nightmare 24/7 now.....
It's is just so not fair what has happened to us, I keep asking why, why , why , why....
We are good people .....why did this despicable disease kill our loves? And kill our future and our dreams?
I know I will drive myself crazy asking for the rest of what is left of my life.... why, why, why?
I don't want to hear the platitudes anymore...
There is no "light at the end of the tunnel"....
If someone tells me one more time to "be strong for the children" I'll hit them...
I don't want the "ooohhh ahhhh you need grief counseling"
etc etc etc.......
And then I watch you all go off back to your safe little world and I go back to my broken remnants of an existence, I cannot call it a life because it's not a life......not for me and not for our children.
Fuck you cancer.
I WANT MY HUSBAND BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
God help me I want him back so bad the pain is no longer in my heart, it is in every pore of my body.
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Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.