There are lots of counselors on www.mymirror.com.au. I used their services during mum's bladder cancer treatment. People start grieving long before their loved one passes away. I feel this is what is happening with you. One day I was so distraught about dad passing away that mum and I were balling our eyes out. He came down the hallway and hugged us! Somehow he had accepted his fate. Just keep loving him. ... View more

Feeling helpless is normal. It's can be very stressful, especially if you care about him and want to "fix" things. All you can really do is comfort him. When dad was sick, I used to make cups of soup for him and watch TV. Just keeping him company kept his thoughts from becoming so despairing. My dad was more "human" in a sense when he deteriorated. It was like all the emotional walls of abruptness, business, etc crumbled and deep within was this beautiful but vulnerable soul who just enjoyed life. We watched motor racing, he had plans for building a model yacht, which never eventuated. He would quote facts about the RAAF in which he served and loved. And above all, he had no regrets.   Hope this helps. ... View more

It's important to have time to yourself (or with friends) away from her. That anxiety will cripple you in the long run. It did with me. Mum had bladder cancer 2 years ago for a year on and off. Then 1 year of treatment afterwards. It's common for friends to keep their distance. Usually because they were never really friends, but rather acquaintances. That's what mum found. Sometimes support comes from the strangest people (hairdresser, cosmetics rep, ec. ) though. Friends who walk away aren't what I call support. ... View more

It sounds like he's struggled to accept his diagnosis. Feeling like "less of a man" is common. My dad had similar thoughts. If you can reassure him that it doesn't matter, that would help. The hormone blockers are important to continue. ... View more

Thanks. I know information can sometimes help with the endless questions running around in your head. That's half the battle with my mum. She imagines or foresees situations which may never arise. The best antidote is information. Unfortunately, waiting on test results can be hard. I know mum's urologist was quite alarming to begin with, mentioning bladder removal. But fortunately, it hasn't been required because the BCG and chemo treatments were successful. According to mum's oncologist, chemo is more effective than BCG treatment, but they don't offer it to begin with for some reason. All I know is each situation is unique.   I wish you all the best for your diagnosis. ... View more

My mum had bladder cancer. She had an overactive bladder and they diagnosed it in the lining of the bladder, eventually.  She almost got missed because the gynecologist was going to giver Botox injections to calm the bladder down, instead of looking for cancer. It was upon mum's insistence that something was wrong, that they checked for cancer. She first had BCG treatment for 6 weeks (1 per week). Then 6 week wait until cystoscopy which gave her the all clear. Then 6 months later they discovered some more "spots". So they treated her with chemotherapy (internally - so there's no side effects). Same deal. Six weeks (1 per week). Then 6 week wait until cystoscopy. She finally got the all clear again. She's been on "preventative" chemo (1 per month) for 12 months. Six-month checkup found she was ok. Has 1 more chemo then another cystoscopy a month after that to see if it's all okay.   I think it all depends on where it is in the bladder (lining, muscle) as to what success you have. Hope this helps. ... View more

Thanks. I've had counseling the last few months and now have some sessions via Carer Gateway. ... View more

It's hard to tell with your dealing with him or the cancer, the two are usually intertwined. It's also hard to distinguish whether your help is being taken for granted or appreciated. It's sounds like he's taking you for granted. But only you can be the judge of that. At the end of the day, there's only so much you can do. It's learning what those limits are. My mind and body doesn't give me much warning when I'm emotionally exhausted. I just snap. I usually need to go for a walk to clear my  head out. ... View more

It's only normal to get angry. It's the  nature of the illness though. No test if 100% accurate. My dad experienced the same thing with prostate cancer. Just try and concentrate on things you can control. ... View more

You were right to write the letter, pardon the pun. I'll give you two examples I've experienced throughout my lifetime.   1) My dad had prostate cancer and passed away in 2016. A good friend of mum's kept inferring that we hadn't done enough to "catch" the cancer in time. About a year after he died, she still kept insinuating that it shouldn't have happened. She insisted that if it were her husband, she would have done things a bit differently. Like what? Dad attended all the appointments, got all the treatments, saw all the doctors. Sometimes, things are outside of our control. Even during dad's chemo, she kept insisting we be socialising, despite dad's compromised immune system. She was a nurse. I ended up doing a similar thing and writing a letter to her pointing out how ridiculous her attitude was and to respect our right to grieve instead of the constant pressure to "get back on the horse" so to speak. She was a good friend of mum's for over 40 years.  I simply held the mirror up to her face. Apparently her ego is more important than her friendship with mum. We haven't seen them or spoken since. I should add that despite all her well-meaning advice, not once did she ever visit us at home during dad's dying days, and not once did she visit him in hospital. Actions speak louder than words.   2) Mum got bladder cancer a few years ago. When my brother first found out, he started mocking her for having an overactive bladder, the 1st symptom. Then when mum pleaded for his support, his reply was "I've got my own family to worry about" . It virtually ripped mum's heart out. I had several mental breakdowns as a result of the uncertainty, stress, especially with dad gone. Once again, he mocked me and made fun of the fact I was "struggling". Several years later, and 1 or 2 social visist (Christmas, Easter and I think mother's day), and he is at least on talking terms with mum again. I'm currently seeing a psych monthly, partly due to the betrayal, partly because of the stress of mum's illness. But the fact is that in both our darkest hours, he and his wife simply went cold. They turned their backs on us and made up all sorts of excuses as to why. So mum was upset twice. Once from the cancer, and a 2nd time from the utter betrayal of her eldest son.   Moral of the story. It's not you. You have been touched by an illness that threatens your mortality and other people run scared. The fact is, until you get the treatment and it has been successful, you don't actually know if it is "curable". Ignorance suggests that everything is "treatable". It doesn't mean that it is curable. There is a big difference, which your friend obviously doesn't understand. It is this uncertainty which causes stress, anxiety, depression. The truth is, you don't really know people, friends or family, until such a crisis hits. Then you soon figure out the depths of their character. ... View more