First day of my new life

[peanutz]

This morning a friend reminded me that today is the first day of my new life. No Dennis, no GBM, no hospital, no running around and juggling between providing care, work, and other things else. I had last Sunday to grief on my own with support from friends on this site and now is the second time that I'm back to my own home and be on my own after he's gone. I still feel OK after an hour. TV is on to keep me company. Dennis's stuff is still lying around the house to keep me company wherever I go. I know I'll have to go through his stuff and get my life back on track like it was back in early August last year. Everyone says there is no need to rush. I don't know where to start anyway. My only concern at the moment is to pass a driving test this Monday. Dennis used to drive me all over the place. Family and friends helped driving us around while he was sick. I started learning to drive in July as I felt I would have to be independent and stand on my own two feet again at some stage. We had a great sent off for him yesterday at his dad's property and now he rests in peace with his mum. It was a tough day with tears and lots of emotional moments. I had my last look of him and he still looked so good that I only wish he would have grasped for air and continued to breath again. Sadly, he didn't. Everything was well taken care of, thanks to his daughter who tried to deal with the whole thing by keeping herself busy organising the service and other things. I went to check his resting place at the cemetery again after the wake and everything was in order. We set up a fire, cooked steak on our rustic makeshift barbecue and had some wine that he liked. The weather was perfect for the service and our little sent off in the evening within the family was fantastic. We shared our stories with laugh and tear. I feel much better, still have wishful thinking that I would have him back but also know that he's not going anywhere but always with me. I am planning to go back to work on Tuesday, get back to exercise, and continue to live but never a day will go by without me thinking of him.

[harker]

Such a lovely piece of writing peanutz. My condolences to you. Hearing your voice in the writing made me think of The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. You may like to read it as your future unfolds. It should be in the library. If not, then buy it, I think you will find it full of insight. Regards. H

[netty]

Hi, Bought tears to my eyes, sounded like a beautiful day for a beautiful person. I can already feel the pain, is it better to live with someone who is "not there" anyway. ???? (I am saying that to myself, not meaning you). The pain of trying to make adult conversation for more than 4 hours today and as it gets more frequent my heart just aches so bad. Thankyou for sharing your day with us here, I feel for you at this time, take care of yourself which I can see you are planning to do. Something I need to get off my butt and start doing now, especially the exercise as I can feel the "Big black dog" coming back into my life. Cheers Wynette

[netty]

Hi, Bought tears to my eyes, sounded like a beautiful day for a beautiful person. I can already feel the pain, is it better to live with someone who is "not there" anyway. ???? (I am saying that to myself, not meaning you). The pain of trying to make adult conversation for more than 4 hours today and as it gets more frequent my heart just aches so bad. Thankyou for sharing your day with us here, I feel for you at this time, take care of yourself which I can see you are planning to do. Something I need to get off my butt and start doing now, especially the exercise as I can feel the "Big black dog" coming back into my life. Cheers Wynette

[Rubes1984]

Peanutz, It is great to hear from you. Sounds like a wonderful day and service - remembering, sharing and enjoying. I am glad u are allowing yourself to be and grieve, it is natural to do things as they feel right and in your own time. I hope returning to work helps allow you to return to some "normal" aspects of life, allows you to reconnect with colleagues and to assist to pass the time (i miss the distraction of work, in the beginning it was nice to keep working).good luck with the exercise too, they say the best natural healthy high one can experience. Take care :) Rubes

[SILLY]

You seem to have good support in your life . I think working will help fill the void and exercise can help in many ways . You seem to be doing the right things for yourself .

[peanutz]

Thanks Harker. I'll check it out.

[peanutz]

is it better to live with someone who is "not there" anyway. ???? Good question Wynette. I don't really know. I am lucky. Dennis's condition had always been pretty good considering how aggressive his tumours were. It's only in the final week that his condition had deteriorated dramatically. He stopped acknowledging me in the evening prior to his death. At the time, I thought he was just too tired, needed a rest and couldn't be bother to do anything even nodding or shaking his head. Take care.

[tikipop]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, it sounds like you gave him a beautiful send off ❤️ Grief is not easy to deal with, but that old cliche is true- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! You may not feel it right now, but after everything you've been through, you are actually stronger than you've ever been before, the problem is, you are probably exhausted!! After caring for someone else and putting your needs second for so long, you need time out to recuperate... not only do you need it, you deserve it! You will have many new challenges to face in due time, so for now focus on restoring your energy so that your new found strength can be used to its full potential when the time comes :) Big life events like being a carer or losing a loved one have a very profound effect on who you are. An experience like this teaches you so much about life, death, love, yourself and others, so once the initial shock wears off, it may be helpful to remember who you were before his diagnosis, and how much the cancer journey has made you change and grow for the positive. Don't feel pressured to 'get your life back on track'... take it at your own pace. Leave his stuff laying around the house for as long as you like... you'll know when you're ready to pack it away. This is a massive change and it will take some time to adjust, so be kind to yourself :) Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you, and I wish you all the best in your new life as the stonger, wiser you!

[maddie86]

thinking of you in this sad time... i know il b in your shoes someday soon.. u are not alone x

[rarsie]

When hard ground is broken up with a good shovel, something of value can grow in it. Today explore one aspect of your thinking that has become so hardened it undermines your capacity to be flexible, creative, and happy. Ask yourself, have I placed such extreme demands on myself that work against my well being? Have my goals become so rigid that I fail to imagine new possibilities? By loosening up your thinking you will prepare for a new opportunies to grow Regards Sandra

[peanutz]

Thanks everyone. Not sure I'm still in shock. In the last 12 days, I've managed to: - passed a driving test 4 days after the funeral; - worked for 3 days last week; - went to see friends 3 times; - exercised twice; - booked a flight to go home and see my parents at the end of this year; - plan for a big holidays next year; - give away my favourite pair of his jeans to his daughter to make cushions; (I kind of regret doing that) - not crying since the funeral on the 4th Oct but sad at times. My partner's stuff is still lying around. I have not gone through his stuff. I haven't cancelled his mobile, gym membership, MCC membership, etc. I don't expect him to come back but I'm not ready to put his life in boxes and give them away.

[Deni_55]

Hi Peanutz...wondering how you are going? Kevin died 28Nov 2012. Went back to work part time 3 weeks after he died. Ha stvearted some study. Had friends and family around me and am included in his families special events. Going to his niece's wedding in about 3 weeks. Everything I have done in the last almost 12months seems like "for the first time" Have been able to dispose of more things now. Things I felt a little sentimental over at first have now been moved on. Have been resurrecting the garden and am now thinking about maybe moving house, maybe downsizing a bit. Only thinking about it though. Need more time and energy before I embark on that project. People are right..it certainly is a new life and I sometimes find joy in it. I think I liked the old life though. Oh well....Hope you are ok...d

[peanutz]

Hi Deni, Thanks for your message. It's been a very long time since I was on this site last. I was about to close my account due to spam. Anyway, I'm doing well, I think. In the last 12 months, I travelled in England, France, and Italy for 3 months. I cleared my house and got rid of my partner's belongings. It was hard at the start but had gotten easier with time. He was quite a hoarder so I ended up feeling angry with so many weekends spent sorting his stuff and so many trips to the tip and op-shop LOL A friend helped me prepared my house for sale while I was overseas and it was sold a week after I came back. Then, I was busy packing and moving house. I can't say I downsized but I have moved to an area where I always want to live in a secure block of apartments. I'm now settling into my new place, new area, new lifestyle ... on my own but feel nice!! I get to do things I want to do, no consulting with anyone, no compromise 🙂 I still wish I could share the last 12 months of my life with my partner even though there are many things I did that he might not like it. Oh well... that's not going to happen so I just have to enjoy my life. Take care

[storm]

Hi Nat You who made me laugh one time some 2 and bit years ago, now it sits amongst memories of a best beloved one dying .....they fade Hugs Geoff

[Deni_55]

Hi Geoff Read your post to Nat. It has been 2years for me too (28Nov2014). There is a sense of fading. I feel like life has gone back to pre-Kevin. Still miss him and our relationship every day. Can't believe where the 2 years has gone and so much happening without him. Life has forwarded and changed and I guess he is not a physical part of it, but his memory and his thoughts and opinions are. Some things are happening now that did not exist in his time and I can only assume what he would have thought. For me that is where the fading is noticeable. The 2nd year can be difficult as reality sets in that nothing can be changed only felt and grieved. It was nice to see your post and I have re-read some of the others around that time. Beautiful memories of beautiful people caring.

[storm]

Hi Deni have not been on this site for such a long time. A friend is having ongoing concerns with her mum who has cancer coupled with depression, and was wanting counselling to get clearer insight and debriefing for herself I recommended this site and recalled the initial difficulty navigating, so to gave her directions I ventured back here. Brought back memories when I found this thread. I have much the same as you have experienced pre Lorraine thoughts, though I with much older body bits now. Its unfair they die and don't grow older. Lorraine had said that she wanted to die before me Before I had little realisation of the deep issues associated with this type of grief (though I had been with her after her son died and she became a shell in the second year - that was a black time to witness) there after she slowly found her way through her grief of depression guilt loss. I experienced how issues of guilt get so magnified, my selfishness ways. My mind still runs the thoughts of what she would have said (though we had the same outlook and blended in most ways) its just not reflected back any more. You sound caring and fragile in your email Warm hugs Geoff

[Deni_55]

Thanks for your reply Geoff. It has been quite nice being back on the site. I have been re-reading some of the posts. I can read them now with fond, loving memories. You and Lorraine certainly went through a lot together. You were very blessed. I think we will always be caring and have a sense of fragility about us. I know I can take my experiences of grief and caring into the workplace as a massage therapist and carer in a dementia specific unit. Kevin is always with me. I often hear him saying "hang on that's not fair what's happening to that person" and I feel compelled to act. I think Lorraine and Kevin were lucky to have us as we were them. Take care...Hugs back....D