Hi guys, some of you may remember me from a couple of years ago, when my grandfather was fighting his losing battle with GBM Tomorrow will mark 2 years since he passed away, and I've been reflecting on it a lot over the past couple of weeks, and I seriously have no idea how I would have coped if it wasn't for this wonderful community. It was more than his illness, I had been struggling to cope with life in general long before he was diagnosed. Seeing the emotional strength that you all display to keep fighting even when every day is a battle, to find moments of happiness in the darkest of days, and to hold on to your hope no matter what life throws your way inspired me and changed my life completely. Next time you feel exhausted, or frustrated, or blue, just remember... you are amazing 🙂 ... View more

In the aftermath of my grandfathers surgery, I coped by blocking it all out, and remaining completely numb. When he died, something inside me just snapped, I broke up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend, stopped taking drugs, drastically reduced my drinking, and got psychological therapy for all my issues. GBM4, while it took his life, it also saved mine. I've learned through therapy that you cant block things out forever. You can run and hide from your problems for years, but eventually they will catch up with you. I always knew that what I went through with my grandfather would come back to me sooner or later, and I had no choice but to accept that, and focus on tackling my other problems, and strengthening myself for when it eventually did happen. And now, it's happened. I was laying in bed with my boyfriend the other night, he was asleep and had his arm over me. I reached over and patted his hand a couple of times, and all of a sudden I was reminded of my grandfather tapping away at our hands because that was the only way he could communicate. I got quite stirred up, and tried to move my boyfriends arm off me, but because he was asleep, it hung there limp, which reminded me of how pop was paralysed down his left side. I woke him up, crying and shaking. Then yesterday I had my wisdom teeth removed. Because I was under sedation, I had to have oxygen via nasal prongs. As I was being prepped for surgery, my nose was itchy, so a couple of times I removed it for just a second or two to rub my nose, then I put it straight back in. They kept telling me 'no!! You have to leave it on!!' and I thought... Wtf... I know that... I am leaving it on... I only took it off for a second... cant you see me putting it back on??? and then all I could think of was the exhausting 12 hour overnight struggle we had with pop to keep his oxygen prongs on. I freaked out, and I tried to explain all this to them, but my head had gone foggy from the drugs, I couldnt find the right words, kept getting distracted, going off track, talking around in circles, they just thought I was talking random rubbish because I was all doped up, they didnt understand that I was actually trying to TELL them that I was freaking out!! The weird thing is, that all my 'flashbacks' seem to be from his point of view. But I guess that makes sense, because the whole time all I concerned myself with was what he was going through, how aweful it was for him. It just keeps coming back up. I know its time to go back there in therapy to face what happened, and I really dont want to go through it all again. I'm begining to understand now what the rest of my family REALLY went through emotionally while I blocked myself off, cold and numb. And for someone who up until recently, felt no emotions at all and blocked EVERYTHING out to keep herself safe... its terrifying. But it must be done, and I can do it. Recovering from mental illness is a long, long road. I've faced so many challanges this year, I guess this is just the next one. I must say though, the strength, courage and spirit of every single user on these forums is truely inspiring 🙂 ... View more

first of all, for those who dont know, my grandfather passed away from GBM on 30/5/12. Everyones reactions are really getting to me. Its like they're all assuming that I feel a certain way, and even when I try to tell them how I really feel they ignore it completely and continue on with their words of reassuarance that they think I need, as if i've said nothing, or as if they know how I feel better than I do. I'm not messed up because my grandfather is dead. I've never had a problem accepting the concept of death, and he had a long life full of love that any person would be satisfied with. Had he survived any longer, he would have had no quality of life at all. Of course its sad, its terrible and I miss him like crazy, but im coping ok and gradually accepting it. What i cannot accept is the fourtnight between his craniotomy and death... Thats whats getting to me. I cant properly explain it to anyone who hasnt experienced it. He was like something out of a nightmare, or a horror movie, but worse...because it was real, and someone I love. His facial expression...he looked like he was being tortured from the inside out, trapped facing the unknown horrors of his own mind, unable to comunicate and paralysed down one side. This man was once our strong, proud gentleman just a few weeks prior. No matter how much detail i go into...noone seems to realise just how horrific it was for me. Of course they dont understand what its like, that was expected, but they cant even comprehend that things that terrible exist. They only see the tip of the iceberg... I tell everyone who asks the truth about how I'm feeling. But they just dont seem to get it. How else am I supposed to get the message across? IM ALL SORTS OF MESSED UP. Im having nightmares, massive panic attacks, and his face in that hospital bed WILL HAUNT ME UNTIL THE DAY I DIE! The horrible moans, the tap, tap, tap against the bed when he had to be restrained, and the heartbreaking look in his eyes that silently screamed GET ME OUT OF HERE! I need support but all im getting is the usual crap 'hell always watch over you' and 'hes better off, at least hes not suffering anymore', advice i dont need! THIS is whats bothering me THIS is what i need support with THIS is what i need someone to talk to about BUT NOONE SEEMS TO WANT TO HEAR IT AND ALL THINK THEY KNOW BETTER ABOUT THE WAY I FEEL AND WHAT IM GOING THROUGH!! :'( ... View more