I exist.

[Mrs_Elton]

I am not living. I am existing. Living means that something is alive, something is growing, in my case the only thing growing is my waist-line. I don't feel alive, obviously I am because I am breathing, I exist, but I am not alive. To be alive means there is joy and passion, lightness, energy, anticipation and happiness. I want to feel alive. I don't remember how to. I have existed for the last 14 months, sometimes I have lived, there have been moments of freedom from the overwhelming sense of sadness and insecurity that cancer brought to our lives. Those moments are occurring less and less. How do I start to live again? How do I look to the future with eager anticipation instead of dread? How do I enjoy each day now? How do I accept that I can't control this? How do I deal with the uncertainty? How can I 'be positive'? How do I change my thinking? How do I stop existing and start living?

[thaker]

Jill its a question of choice. We can all get on with life which will in the end mean we lose out on a lot of it or we can choose to live life and submit to the fact that we will have very good moments but also some really bad ones. Funnily enough a lot of our battles are not battles of the heart but of the mind. Being positive helps but its also giving your brain the time to not be positive that helps achieve some balance. We all tire of being positive all of the time. Our bodies have their own defence mechanisms (or so I have learned over the last year or so) and sometimes you need to let go of control and let some of this kick in. Existing might be good enough for now. Some of us need permission to be happy when life is so crappy. Have you let yourself be human? Do you cut off the feelings of frustration and anger and fear that you feel as soon as you feel it so that it bubbles within and just gets worse. I know I did for quite awhile...building my own volcano of feelings. Looking to the future...hmm we take that too much for granted. The thing with cancer is that it makes you realise that we occupy frail human bodies that have an expiry date. Fatal accidents happen every day but we never think its going to happen to us. I hope you find peace in your today so that you are setting a foundation for your tomorrows if they come. I feel your pain and share it. Sangeeta

[Mrs_Elton]

Hi Sangeeta, Thanks once again for your caring words of wisdom, your responses always have a real depth to them. I think you might be right, I am a human volcano at the moment. I am bubbling away, with some of those bubbles escaping to the surface but I fear an explosion is immiminent and heaven help anybody in the path. How did you deal with those feelings of fear, frustration and anger? I feel like I have to start from scratch because I don't know how to deal with anything anymore.

[thaker]

Hi Jill Like you I wanted to cry but the tears would not come. I fond I was not coping so I saw my GP. We discussed options including seeing a counsellor and taking anxiety medication. I tried the anxiety meds for a week but did not like what they did to me so I stopped. I started seeing the counsellor at the same time and saw her every 2-3 weeks til end Feb this year. I found that our hourly sessions were filled with me bawling my eyes out. I still think its strange that I could not let go anywhere else. It became my safe haven to "fall apart". I saw her on my own without the rest of the family and I think it helped that she did not know me so I did not have to hold anything back.Some weeks she'd give me some advice on things to try and some weeks I had so much to unload that thats all we did, talk. We have or try to have so much control of our lives that the dying process and the uncertainty is so hard to deal with and thats what she talked me through. Hope some of this helps. Sangeeta

[tsey]

oh dear, I like this blog as it applies the same to a carer (which is me). I am also lost at time on how to cope the un-known, the un-certainty. Perhaps this is life! We can only do some much on the parts that are controlled by us, that we knew of. Cancer is an un-known factor to deal with. How long to live? What's next? What's if? Too many questions with few answers (or nil). I have learnt through the caring process that there is no one answer to one question to one cancer. (the name of the cancer to many people might be the same, the treatment might be the same, the drugs used might be the same. But the patient's body reaction and the coping to the processes are all different). I also went to see counselling at early stage (as it is the stress of the un-known that is most difficult to handle). The counsellor asks me to accept it. I did. But it is still hard as either we are caring someone we love.

[willow]

Hi Jill I am not very good with advice but I can relate to what you have written and my thoughts and hugs are with you.....take care, Kind regards, Willow xo

[Jewel_and_Mark]

Hi Jill, Shite! Reading this and others thoughts was very hard for me, you took the words out of my head and I am not even close to the time you have been dealing with your anguish. It's the unknown that really frightens me too..... I guess I'll be watching this thread closely, in hope I'll pick up a few coping pointers. Gentle hugs to you and yours, Jewel