OMG what now????

[Gypsy1946]

Well life on the road is turning into a disaster,I foolishly thought that we were doing the right thing after he refused to have anymore treatment, he wanted to just travel in our caravan and try and forget everything. Unfortunately Cancer isn't something you can forget,we have visited quite a few places and it started off fine, however as we progressed and the pains started in his legs, (he insisted it was not the cancer but a pulled muscle)more and more things started to get worse.We finally reached the Eyre Peninsular and I convinced him to visit a small country hospital, they were extremely helpful, better than the big cities, and the Doctor there told him he was taking his medication all wrong, instead of waiting till the pain was really hurting and just taking one tablet, he was supposed to be taking 2 tablets 4 times a day to keep things under control, the Doctor rang the health dept. and we were given a huge prescription to last him for the next stage of the journey. Things were a lot better after that for awhile, however what I am finding it hard to deal with is the sudden bursts of bad temper, I thought I was trying to help with helping him set up the van at the various parks, however after one burst of abuse I was apparently making him feel inadequate and an invalid, well this was only one of the things that come out when he is in these moods, I try and ask if he is in pain when he has these bouts, but am accused of being a F***** bitch and causing him all kinds of grief.I have a mantra I use every morning to myself that no matter what he says I will not let it affect me, but being human I am finding it very hard. I know there are people out there that will say I am being selfish as the poor man is suffering however don't you think I know this,yesterday he insisted he was feeling good and wanted to go for a walk, so off we went, unfortunately on the way back he had a fall and took all the skin off his head, legs and shoulder.It was very hard to see him suffer these injuries as he is going through so much but I patched him up and he was OK.Today we went for a drive, I asked if he wanted me to drive and he said no, so I let him go, had a lovely morning and he was talkative for once, however when we got back to the park, I must have triggered something off by asking where to next..well the abuse started again accusing me of not listening and he has already told me 5 times, then the swearing that I am sure everyone heard, accusing me of trying to make out that he is forgetful???? Am I the only person out there who has to listen to this, I am finding harder and harder to keep up with the mood swings and abuse,I am not by any means a submissive person and I have to just shut up because I then feel guilty if I upset him. He will continue to sulk for a while until I start to speak to try and make things normal, but if I did not speak we could go on like this for days. Any suggestions please and please is this normal

[maddie86]

hey there, trust me you are not alone in this! my fiance is exactly the same, he has had cancer for nearly two years and is on chemo second time around.. his moods are so unpredictable its really hurtful sometimes.. the other day we were playing a rough n tumble game tickling each other n slapping (playfully of course) when he hurt me and i started to cry and he called me a big cry baby and refused to apologise.. or sometimes he will just yell at me to for not listing.. you are not selfish and its so hard sometimes you just want to run away.. im on anti depressants at the moment and they really help me from falling apart.. now when he snaps i kind of just get over it and ignore it where as before hand i would get really upset about it.. and it is hard because you feel so bad for them at the same time, they are going through a horrible thing and there's nothing we can do.. try and not take it to personally when he does snap, although its so hard.. they say people take things out on the people that are closest to them! please feel free to chat to me anytime! xo

[purpleangels]

Hi there! You are not alone!! Good on you for being so brave to go traveling in the first place..... I don't know if I could do that!!! As for mood swings and temper tantrums, been there, done that...... I just walk away from the blowup and say something like- it is not okay for you to talk to me like that, I understand that you are in pain/ tired/ frustrated/ hurt etc..... I will be reading a book/ walking over there/ sleeping if you need me.....But you have got to have boundaries......hard to do (it's taken me three years and I'm still learning).... But if you want love to survive, you have to set limits....... Hope this helps...... Take care and do stuff for yourself too!! PA

[#4]

Hey Definitely know where your coming from....My Uncle was the same, he had cancer and decided to up and travel with my parents and his wife.They had a hell of a trip with him, he was very unpredictable, moody, swearing right out of character, then sometimes happy as. They arrived at our place, I still feel honoured that he wanted to come and see our new place and say goodbye. Did not end well, he was moody, threw my puppy on the ground right from out of my arms, I just didnt know him, he wasnt my loving wag of an Uncle. Its hard when your on the receiving end of all the abuse, Im going through treatment for cancer now, and I can sometimes see why he was that way. It makes me angry and bitter, I try not to dwell on that kind of feeling, but yes, I understand now what he was going through. Much to say my dear Uncle died 2 weeks after visiting us, I miss him still after nearly 10 years. I hope that you have an easier time and yes, sometimes we lash out at the ones closest, maybe because they know us the best. Doesnt make it right at all by no means. Hugs Leesa

[exhausted]

Dear Gypsy Thank you for your honesty. I am in the same boat as you. My husband has brain cancer and he is so hard to live with, incredibly selfish. I thought when he got the diagnosis that after the shock settled he would embrace me and the kids with love and want to leave us beautiful memories and sort as much as possible out to make our lives easier after he was gone. NO WAY. Its all about him and his wants and needs so little concern for us its hard to believe he cares at all. Sorry for the vent but life is just so tough at the moment. Look after yourself, Terese.

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[Mrs_Elton]

Hi Gypsy, I'm sorry to hear that life on the road isn't going as well as hoped/planned. Reading your post has brought back memories for me, as my husband had terrible mood swings and angry outbursts which were very out of character for him.....sure he had his moments when he would get upset/angry before cancer invaded our lives........and he had his moments whilst going through treatment etc. My husband had the same cancer as your husband, cancer of the oesophagus (still not sure how you spell that correctly), I have sent you a private message. Kind regards, Mrs Elton

[Gypsy1946]

Hello Terese You sound like you are going through a really hard time, my sympathies are with you. It is hard to understand though isn't it,sometimes lately I feel like just saying "Off you go mate I have had enough" I really do not give a stuff if people perceive me as being selfish as the poor fellow is suffering, they can walk in our shoes for awhile. I really thought I was doing the right thing by him taking this trip on, he seems to have even turned his back on the kids and grandkids as well. But if a friend rings or people in the caravan parks talk to him it seems that everything is just hunky dory. Oh well after 40 years I guess I will still battle on and you too Terese, feel free to post to me any time you like Jill

[#10]

I too have to deal with moods although not too many. I knew a while ago when my husband was diagnosed that I had already lost any caring for the normal little things that a partner cares about like headaches or any aches and pains. These things which he used to ask about became unimportant as he travels through this journey of hell. That is ok and although I miss having a partners concern, it is a scary feeling of loss for that part of your life. You are not 'a couple' as such anymore sometimes. You are the carer, the 'watcher of pain and discomfort' and the lonely person who feels so shut out of their loved ones life. It is as if they feel that because you don't have cancer and will live on, that you do not deserve the old love and respect. Maybe if I did have cancer I would not be writing this and would be treating my husband exactly the same. The emotions this disease brings forward are nothing short of 'crazy' sometimes. Jeaneil

[exhausted]

Hi Jill Thanks for your reply. I would really like to private message you but can't find where. Can you message me so I can reply? Thanks Terese.

[Stace]

Hi there I can completely understand where you are all coming from and i wouldnt wish any of this to my worst enemy however i have been there as a cancer sufferer and during treatment i suffered those horrible out of control moodswings and i didnt even like me! It is awful i dont really know how to describe it but you cannot help the things that come out of your mouth, i felt like i was almost trapped in someone elses body saying disgusting hurtful things to my husband its out of your control. I thank him these days for putting up with me and still makes me feel sick to of treated him like that and i still dont know what came over me, i was smashing plates, throwing things, screaming crying it was not me at all. I dont blame any of you for feeling selfish and wanting to tell the person to get over themselves as thats how i would be if this was the other way around, I am just giving you "the other side" of things to see if it helps to make things a bit easier to understand. Hang in there hopefully once these awful drugs are out of the system things will return to normal.

[Stace]

Hi there I can completely understand where you are all coming from and i wouldnt wish any of this to my worst enemy however i have been there as a cancer sufferer and during treatment i suffered those horrible out of control moodswings and i didnt even like me! It is awful i dont really know how to describe it but you cannot help the things that come out of your mouth, i felt like i was almost trapped in someone elses body saying disgusting hurtful things to my husband its out of your control. I thank him these days for putting up with me and still makes me feel sick to of treated him like that and i still dont know what came over me, i was smashing plates, throwing things, screaming crying it was not me at all. I dont blame any of you for feeling selfish and wanting to tell the person to get over themselves as thats how i would be if this was the other way around, I am just giving you "the other side" of things to see if it helps to make things a bit easier to understand. Hang in there hopefully once these awful drugs are out of the system things will return to normal.

[Stace]

Hi there I can completely understand where you are all coming from and i wouldnt wish any of this to my worst enemy however i have been there as a cancer sufferer and during treatment i suffered those horrible out of control moodswings and i didnt even like me! It is awful i dont really know how to describe it but you cannot help the things that come out of your mouth, i felt like i was almost trapped in someone elses body saying disgusting hurtful things to my husband its out of your control. I thank him these days for putting up with me and still makes me feel sick to of treated him like that and i still dont know what came over me, i was smashing plates, throwing things, screaming crying it was not me at all. I dont blame any of you for feeling selfish and wanting to tell the person to get over themselves as thats how i would be if this was the other way around, I am just giving you "the other side" of things to see if it helps to make things a bit easier to understand. Hang in there hopefully once these awful drugs are out of the system things will return to normal.

[peanutz]

It seems to be the norm for people with cancer to be moody, grumpy, and pretty much selfish. Everyone seems to blame on the medication such as Dex/steroid. My partner has brain tumour and been taking Dex for the past few months. I think Dex on it own is bad enough and causes him mood swing. However, the whole experience of facing the reality that he could be gone in a year make it worse. My partner wasn't feeling well for 2 months - Jan & Feb this year during his 3rd & 4th round of chemo. He was quite grumpy and angry as he was frustrated by the tiredness and being generally unwell. Then, in early March we discovered that his brain tumour has grown back. He became very demanding and self centred. It's always about him only. It was like nothing I did was good enough. One morning I didn't feel well and needed a rest, he was very grumpy and demanding more than usual and I just couldn't be bother to play being a submissive girlfriend so I completely ignored him for the next 24 hours even though he kept telling me how unhappy he was with me. Strangely, the next morning we discussed about our feeling and since then he was nicer than anything in the past few weeks. I guess people with cancer need to be told that we may not completely understand how they feel but we try to do our best to support them. At the same time, they should understand that we also suffer from the whole experience and the possibility of losing someone that we love. It's just not right for them to punish/abuse us with their frustration and bitterness.