Very Confronting Thoughts

[Vicki_Anne]

I still can't believe this is all happening to me. It seems unreal sometimes, - out of the blue, I will just get a thought, "is this real, Is this happening to me?" Like now . how am I supposed to deal with this, some people have called me brave, but I'm not. You just have to keep going. I'd love to get off the merry go round and let someone else take over. That's not going to happen. It is happening to me and I have to deal with it. I muddle along and blunder along, and have good positive moments and really morbid moments and moments where I am totally overwhelmed by all of it. Other moments where I feel this is not going to beat me, I will get the better of it. But then realistically it will shorten my life(90 yrs is not gunna happen). Thats hard to realise and deal with . The fact that I will die, alot sooner than I ever imagined. You cruise along in life thinking old age and death are a long way away, when its not. It could happen anytime to anyone. But its happening to me. I don't want to die and leave my family so soon, I still have so much to do. Is it fair? No it's not. What can I do about it? Rest and think positive, Does that help? Who knows. Prayer could help, peope still die while thinking positive. Are all these thoughts normal. I am sure they are, the brain wants to explode sometimes with so many thoughts pulling in different directions. Then along comes that Eternal optimistic thing called HOPE (it doesn't let me wallow for too long!) and I think , Well I am still here at the moment, I will wake in the morning for another day. Maybe my health will be a little better in the morning. A little bit better each day. The whole attitude thing could be turned around you could say I am blessed. I get the chance to catch up on things I always wanted to do and never did. The chance to say goodbye in a way. Many people walk out their front door in the morning and never make it back home. In the end my life is what I make it. Thinking too far ahead is overwhelming. I am thinking each day at a time and planning for a great Christmas this year with everything thats important to me. I am Ok. A positive frame of mind is a good idea and yes I believe it does make a difference. Concentrate on me and my health. Eat well when I can (not always easy when the tumours are in the food pipe.) I have found writing a wonderful therapy whether in a private journal free for all or on this website in a blog. I have my daughters wedding in March next year to look forward to as well. I WILL BE HERE. Thanks for letting me share I am good. Cheers Vicki MAY THE WINGS OF THE BUTTERFLY KISS THE SUN AND FIND YOUR SHOULDER TO LIGHT ON, TO BRING YOU LUCK, HAPPINESS AND RICHES TODAY, TOMORROW AND BEYOND (Irish Blessing)

[craftyone]

Hi Vicki, You sound like you are having a real rough ride. You are absolutely (hate that word)allowed to think morbid thoughts and as long as they aren't happening 100% of the time, they are very normal. I think that living day by day and making the most of the good days is the way to go. Yes, make plans for short future and try to do all the things that you can when you can. Enjoy your family, they are usually the centre of a mothers life. If you need to express more in writing, why not join the expressive writing group, can be very theraputic. Good luck, thinking of you, and let a few tears go now and then - as long as you have happy times as well - tears can ge a really good release of emotion. craftyone

[Vicki_Anne]

Thanks Craftyone. I guess it is a lot up and down and the moment. Thankfully the downs are alot less than the ups. I am mostly a natural optimistist so I bounce back after each down. LOL. Thanks for your comments. Got plans to drag out the christmas tree decorations today and sort out, as last year they all just got thrown into the box unsorted. Should be fun. 🙂 The tree goes up on the 1st December. I am getting a wheelchair today, to go shopping. My sister in law has offered to push me around the shopping complex so I can get out and about. This will be a new experience and interesting to see things from a different viewpoint. Cheers, Vicki

[Jules2]

Hey Vicki and crafty I am with you guys ... be mindful of what might happen and in the meantime live life and be as happy as you can. You are good doing the tree thing Vicki haven't done that for a few years now, not since my father passed away on boxing day. This year we are being a little bit more outwardly festive. If you guys want a bit of a giggle ... i have been looking after a male goat (clement) and a female sheep (seanette) and then another baby goat was given to me to mind (victoria aka lawn mower of the female variety). These animals were all bottle raised and housed in some backyard in the city. They do not like being paddock animals and escape all the time. Now they have munched my tomato plants and fruit, all my succulents and mondo grass - all of which i have been raising to sell to raise money for the cancer council and now they have all been trimmed. I think i might suggest to the goat owner he might like to make a donation to the cc instead. haha take care everyone Julie

[Vicki_Anne]

hi Julie, Thats funny about the goats and sheep. They certainly keep you amused. I grew up on a wheat farm with sheep, they are comical sometimes. Never had goats though. Vicki

[Jules2]

Hey Vicki I used to think that goats = cute ... not any more courtesy of clement. He head butts everything when he doesn't get his own way. lol He ws doing it to my back door the other day because i woulnd't let him inside. I visited a wheat and sheep farm when i was a kid and spent about a week there helping out. Did you end up raising a few lambs? I am tossing up whether to do that and also tossing up with the idea of getting a poddy. I had to get rid of my chooks while i was going through treatment and very tempted to get more of those. haha menagerie coming up ... i can feel it. Julie

[Vicki_Anne]

We had the whole range as a kid on the farm, Ducks, turkeys, Chooks, a few geese I think. Always had an orphaned lamb we would feed with a bottle. The bottles were usually a small glass soft drink bottle with a teat on the end. Wow memories coming back. Dad raised chickens. had a section of the shed bordered off and a light globe hanging near the ground and all these tiny little yellow chickens cheeping around. so cute. Oh going back even further, he had an incubator , like a large cupboard bigger than fridge size, with glass front and heating inside and the eggs were on shelves that rotated. Havent thought of that in 40 years. hahaha. and piglets too. Good luck with the menagerie, it would be fun. I gather you have property in the country. Vicki

[Jules2]

Hi vicki Am on 3.5 acres just outside of a city. Not that its a major city but a city it is. lol It was sad when i had to travel away for treatment as I had hand raised William (rooster), Spunky and Carina (the girls). I didn't really have the facilities to do so but their mother got killed and the dog was helping to bring them all in and had chick legs hanging out of her mouth. It is a madhouse here sometimes! William would continue to visit "inside" and I would get his attention by callling his name and he would cock his ear to me and then I would say to him "it is time for you to be outside" and then pitter patter down the lino he would toddle off back outside again. Unfortunately, he had a son called "wilhelm" and wilhelm was not nice and killed his dad. Then treatment came and i had to give them all away. I used to have isa browns collectively known as "the girls" and then some had individual names. They would low fly from across the back paddock whenever I got home because I might have sunflower seeds. Quite funny to watch. It sounds like you had a fun childhood. 🙂 I bet the piglets were a giggle with their squealing. Clement the goat is quite nice except when he doesnt get his own way and i think he gets a bit confused at times that he isnt actually human. Have you got any animals these days? I would seriously like to get some dexter cows, they are very expensive though. Julie

[samex]

Go the Christmas tree! I am a Chrisoholic but the last 3 years have been really hard to get motivated. I normally cook like a demon (gifts mainly) and do the tree and decorate the house etc. I have mainatained all this but I have lost the gloss. Maybe because there is very little enthusiasm from teenage sons! My son's girlfriend is going to assist this year and I will hunt out my daggy Christmas CDs and this may help. Vicki, everything changes and you are allowed to be grumpy and P***** off at the world. That is all OK here.Posistivity is great but the reality is that sometime that is just too hard to maintain. Let us know how the wheelcahir excursion goes. I hope you decorate it!!! Julie, I warned you about those animals. Don't let them near the washing! S

[#10]

Hi Vicki, Thank you for sharing,I myself have gone through and still am going through most things you mention and i think if i hadn't joined this site and met so many helpful and compassionate people to help me get over some of the terrible after effects(tks Julie) i would still be looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, which i know most days i can see ( sometimes not ), I am also not ashamed to admit that i have a cry on occasions and as craftyone says helps in a big way, Also i am engrossed in fine tuning my piano prowess with Xmas carols, hopefully good enough to entertain my family when the yule day comes. Hope you have or should i say a great day shopping. TC Dave

[Jules2]

lol S ... I have decided its the goat or me! It has eaten my tomato bush that has about a dozen tomatoes on it. Dave, we all do the tears thing and stumble through the tunnel and then all of a sudden you get a glimmer or light. Sometimes that light becomes a little dim or goes out for a bit and then you will see it again. take care everyone

[Vicki_Anne]

Hi Dave, You have a wonderful gift that I envy, being able to play music. To be able to sit down and make a tune on the piano would be great. Christmas sounds like it will be terrific at your place with live music and a singalong. Hope it all goes well on the day. I will think of you Christmas morning while I play Christmas carols on the stereo. LOL. Cheers Vicki

[#13]

Envy may be a bit premature,Lol, as i am a little rusty but it is coming back a little at a time, still keep the headphones on(full size electric piano),just as good as the real thing,The stereo is a better option as the quality of the music will be better,haha Hope you are travelling well. Dave