new kid on the block

[choc2rule]

Hello everyone. I am new on this website and not sure what I want to write. I think I want to scream, but then I think why do I want to do that? then I say, my dad has cancer. He is 90 but it makes it no easier to say he has had a good life, or he is ready to die since my mum died 8 years ago. Yes he wanted to go then with her, but he is still my dad and I do love him, and I know he is in pain, I can see it, I can hear it, but it makes it no easier to say He will die soon. I dont even know if this is the correct place to say all this. But I just started writing and it is all coming out. I hope someone might answer me with something-anything to stop me hurting so much

[samex]

Hi, This is the perfect place to say what you feel like saying.I don't know that anyone can stop the pain but feel free to express any thoughts here. Sometimes just doing that helps. Take care, Samex

[#3]

Hi there & welcome :) Hey Samex is right, this is the perfect place to say what you feel like saying, so go for it & express yourself anytime you like & i hope it helps you to some extent. Unfortunately i don't think anyone can help you with your pain but letting your feelings out among others who truly understand just might help you a little bit. Hugs Mez 😉

[chris_martin]

Hi there. I am in same situation as you as my 83yr old dad has cancer and is gettingworse every day. I am so sick and tired of family saying "he has had a good and long life" even my 2 brothers say this and they never see him. One brother is based in Qld and drives trucks all over Aust but the other one only lives 1hr drive away but never visits!!! I really wish my dad would come and stay with me in his last days but for some reason he is hesitant. I think he may think my health wouldn't cope. But we are so so close and even though he lives 6hr train trip away I ring him every night at 7pm and we have great chats but not so much lately as he is always so out of breath but we always end talk by saying "I love you" which we never have done. I really can't say say that the hurting stops as for me it hasn't and I can't come to terms that dad will go as I can't see a life for me without him(even though I have 2 great kids and 4 beautiful grandkids). But you have definately come to a great website as I have got so much support (more than my family) here and you can vent as often as you like. There are so many wonderful people here. Also I have received a lot of help and support from the Cancer Council helpline. Take care Chris

[larn75]

We are always hear to listen and sometimes just sharing can make the load a bit lighter. There is always someone who has been through the same or similar situations so you always know someones really does understand what you are going through or feeling. Welcome. Vent away. It is unbelievably therapeutic. :-) Alana xx

[vinouche]

We cannot stop the pain, it is part of the package, the fact that he has had a long life does not make you ready to let him go. We all want them to stay with us for ever. I spent a lot of time with my mum, I knew she wanted to join my dad, but we were so close. We talked a lot and when the time came she was calm and gave me the most wonderful smile. Cherish the time you have, and know that when he is gone , his pain qill be as well. Yours will remain as long as it takes for you to come to terms with his passing. s

[Zen-moment]

Hi, How very special to have a dad that you love so much. I think the hardest thing about life is knowing that the joy and sorrow accompany each other - because we love so deeply, we hurt so deeply. I've found that for me there are things that have helped with the pain - I call it my legacy box - I have letters and videos and photos and recipes - a whole lot of stuff from the person I love who has passed on. Even though she's died, I can still hear her voice on the tape, and remember the gift of her life shared with me. It takes time but the pain does ease, and there is always a sense that she is with me - just in a different way. Your dad will always be with you, even after his "being" passes - the trick is to work out how to continue loving him and being loved by him in a new way. Take gentle care with yourself, and enjoy this time with your dad now. Wishing you all the best on this part of the journey. Zen-moment

[Jules2]

Hi choc2 We cant stop your pain per se but we all understand it. Cancer impacts on everyone regardless of whether they are a family member, spouse or friend or the person who has been diagnosed. Its an insidious disease!! Good for you for being able to reach out and write your feelings down and it is tough to lose your dad. I lost mine and i still miss him but am able to miss him with fond memories now rather than sadness. Julie

[CATS]

Hi choc2rules - great name- welcome to this site - you will find wonderful,understanding and very caring people here. I certainly have and they have been a Godsend. I lost my Dad in 1990 to prostate cancer - he fought long and hard to stay with us but after 6 years it was too much for him. I understand your pain; not being able to help him is so difficult to cope with. You see and hear him in pain and it almost drives you crazy because there is not a damn thing you can do to relieve it. I have spent hours crying because I couldn't bear what was happening to him and all I could do was help him with the things he couldn't do, which sadly became more and more. I would sit on the end of his bed and we would talk and laugh and when that got too much I would head for my room and the tears just kept flowing. All this "he had a good life" etc etc is well and good for those saying it - but it does not mean much to us who are left behind. I am so sorry for your pain and I really hope that by sharing your story with us helps you cope that little bit more and realise that you are not alone in worrying about losing your dearly loved Dad. I have a weird sense of humour the same as my Dad and sister - I hope you don't think I am making light of your fear and pain - but when Dad died, one of our neighbours asked the most stupid question ever - "did he suffer". I could almost hear my Dad yelling out "of course I bloody well suffered - how would you like to go through this". Instead I lied and lied well to protect Dad's memory - "no" was my answer. The neighbour was a very kind man and it must have been hard for him to visit my sister and I as he and Dad were friends - so I hold no ill feeling about what I thought at the time was a very insensitive question. My Dad always found humour in just about everything and as I am now in a similar situation and have just received some news which I didn't really like about my cancer - I have to remember to laugh and as the Monty Python guys sang "always look on the bright side of life" - it is hard but just remember your Dad loves you and you love him - NO ONE can ever take that away. Take care and try to at least smile if you can't laugh!

[#10]

... Dear all, PLEASE NOTE: This commercial post has been removed by the Administration Team as it breaches the terms and conditions of usage for the website. Kind regards, Felix Cancer Connections Coordinator

[#11]

... Dear all, PLEASE NOTE: This commercial post has been removed by the Administration Team as it breaches the terms and conditions of usage for the website. Kind regards, Felix Cancer Connections Coordinator

[CATS]

Could someone please tell me what the 'commercial post has been removed by the Administration Team as it breaches the terms and conditions etc etc'. I have seen this come up a couple of times and just wondered what it meant as I think one referred to me - re essay writing!!!!!?????? Thanks

[Jules2]

Hey cats It is a spammer that has left a post with a web address on it ... it is just some unknown who either wants traffic to a particular website or could be more insidious a virus. The post has been removed for your protection. :) Julie xo

[CATS]

Thanks Julie - Felix answered also - me no understand spam - I thought it was that horrid meat in a can!!!! No I didn't but I really couldn't understand what was happening- der - thanks again

[Jules2]

Hey cats ... nps ... perhaps its a dr seus moment? lol Just kidding, at least you now know. 🙂

[CATS]

Thanks Jules2 - I'd prefer green eggs and ham than tinned spam!!!

[Jules2]

haha cats ... used to be my fav book when i was about 4 i think. I used to get it out of the library every week! Think i might have been a bit stuck. lol

[chris_martin]

Hi there. I have just read one of your posts and it has really given me some insight into what I will have to remember my dad. Besides hundreds of photos and memories of great times I also have about 6 videos with dad on them and when I look at them now I just cry for what I am about to lose. But you have made me think - I should really have these transferred to DVD so we will have everlasting memories of dad as these videos are getting a bit old and distorted. Your idea of a legacy box sounds great. I will start tomorrow. Thanks so much for your inspiration xo Chris