HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Colin81,

Thank you for thinking of me and my husband.

My husband made it thru his very barbaric surgery 1-15-20.  He is amazing.  Unfortunately didn’t get everything I wanted out of it, which is a huge heartbreaker.  But I will talk to you soon.  I’m just very emotional right now.  Again Thank you and please keep in touch.  And remember to take care of yourself please.  Your Friend Traci

ps.  Before my husband went in for surgery we celebrated our 22nd wedding Anniversary and we’ve been together 28...😊 now I know it isn’t probably as long as you but it’s a huge accomplishment to us.  🙏🏻

[Colin81]

Hi Traci-Renee,

Well the important thing is that he (you both) got through it and that is good news. It was a big operation and I am sure the Dr's did as best they could, hope is not yet lost.

Yes 22 years is a very long time, especially now a days, congratulations you both deserve it especially after being tested so severely with these current matters.

[Traci-Renee]

Colin81,

you are absolutely right!  Thank you so much

for your very kind words.  They are very much appreciated and heart felt.  Again Thank you

Traci

[Lolie]

Keeping you and your husband in my thoughts.

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Lolie,

Thank you so very much.  You are very kind

to think of us.  

[Patches]

1. My husband also gets angry at times, quite often when I can sense he is frustrated.  Until recently he would say “ don’t start spooking” at the slightest change in my tone of voice.  I explained to him that at times I can not help but get upset and cry at times.  I also told  him that using those words actually hurt me and made it harder for me not to cry.  He has recently been diagnosed with depression and finds himself going into tears at times.  He finds it hard to understand why I don’t get upset when he is in tears.  I have talked with him about, on my bad days I need him to help me get through and, on his bad days I will help h8m get through emotionally.  My husband is mid 60’s and ex military so it’s all about men being tough and not showing emotions.  We had reached a point where there was almost no communication between us, except next appointment and treatments.  Our communication is stRting to improve following our discussion about supporting each other, especially when one person is emotionally struggling

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Patches, 

     I’m sorry that you are going thru a very emotional time.  I totally understand where you are coming from.  If my husband said pass the salt, I would cry.   It was his tone and see my husband was being nice to everyone else and calling or saying mean things to me.  So I totally understand.   I’m also sorry that your husband has Cancer.  God Bless him, and we are all very Thankful for his service to for our country.  Honestly I do understand, you saying he was in the military and men don’t cry.  My husband wasn’t in the service and shows no emotion, and he wasn’t in the service.   I also want you to know that Yes he has Cancer and is scared, but you love him and you are scared also.  The care taker or loved one who helps them day in and day out, is on the path completely with them.  We are scared.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t. I love my husband, he is the father of my three kids.   But I am not Gonna be treated like I don’t matter.  I am not going to pretend he doesn’t hurt my feelings bc he has before Cancer and now with Cancer.   I am not a door mat.  I am a grown woman who loves him as you do your husband and we don’t deserve to be treated as we don’t matter, be we all know we do.  They are scared and I do totally understand a bad day.  We all have them even if we don’t have Cancer.  But the name calling or treating us like we are A-holes, ya that isn’t gonna happen.  You are an amazing person.  You love your husband and are sticking by your vows.  For better or worse.  He is damn lucky to have such a wonderful, loving and caring wife to be by his side.  I wish my husband would show emotion and tears.  It’s alright to hug him while he’s hurting and scared.  My theory is I would do what I wish my husband would do to me if I were crying.  Especially because they are men that don’t show emotion, maybe they weren’t allowed to show it when younger.  But it’s ok to show him you care by hugging him tightly and telling him you love him and you are always going to be right there by his side.  I will always be by my husbands side, even tho I’m not seeing any tears from mine.  I totally understand you not reaching out due to the abuse he has shown you, when you cry.  But we were raised two wrongs don’t make a right!   So show him that you care when he cries.   And see if it teaches him to reach out to you when you cry.  I’m 50 years old.  I don’t know your age but I do know the saying do onto others as you would want done for you.  It might take a few times but hopefully he will get that when you cry maybe you just need to hear I love you or just a hug.  I know bc that’s all I want too!!! You are an amazing woman.  I am sending you many many hugs GREAT BIG ONES!!! But if my husband is being nasty I stay away.  See they can always say it’s us, but when we say it’s them, they say well you made me be that way by doing this or that.  I say BS...and I yell back, bc he may have the cancer, but we are second in line to that Cancer.  God bless you and I really hope to hear back from you.  You can vent to me anytime.  HUGS to you PAtches...😊

[Patches]

Thanks Traci-Renee, I fully understand lots of what you said.  Couple of days ago when he was in hospital I felt so scared I could not stop the tears.  For the first time he just held my hand and let me cry plus verbally express my feelings.  Has been a shit week this last week which included him being rushed back to hospital ( he was discharged on 6 Jan) with same infections as earlier this month.  We are in the process of moving to live with my father-in-law who is in his l ate 80’s .... that is stressful enough at times.  Only a few weeks before his diagnosis we adopted an 8mth old kitten from a rescue group. She always sensed when he was upset or in pain and would go to him, she gave her heart to him but happily came to me when I needed her.  The stress of my husband being in and out of hospital plus moving to a new home where there already was an older cat the poor little girl didn’t cope.  We made mutual decision about week age for her to go back to the couple we got her from, they are going to keep her as part of the family always.  My husband seemed ok about the decision until I mention her name today and he just burst into tears. He told me he is starting to understand about being there for each other through everything plus we need total more.  GreT as this sounds we have had these chats before and it usually doesn’t last long.  I try to use the wording of how his words etc make me feel and hurt me.  I know I am lucky as, currently there are times when he acknowledges and apologises.    My husband is 63 and I am 56.  We have been married for 4 1/2 years. He has 2 boys from 1st marriage, one of which we see quite often.  This son, who is approx 40, has said he has hardly heard his dad say he loves him and is finding it very hard to process the feelings caused by hearing his dad tell him he loves him on regular basis.  I. Know my husband is scared, he watched his mum die of cancer in 2014 of a very painful death.  We are both terrified his last days are going to be similar.  He does tell me it upsets him knowing he won’t be here for me.  Don’t know what upsets me more - watching him fading away or knowing that I will have to find a way to go on living without him all too soon

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Patches, I don’t know what happened to my very long post with picture.  So I am gonna wait one hour and see if it posts and if not I will write another.  Thinking of you and your hubby...I truly hope it posts!!! 🙏🏻❤️

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Patches,  I guess my very long post was lost, so here I go again.

 I took this picture during one of our hospital stays.  When I look at it, I remember he reached for me, I remember he needed me! I remember he was grateful I was there.  I remember he felt comfort in knowing I was right by his side.  When I cry bc he isn’t as nice to me as others, I try to look at this picture and say he needs me, he’s scared, he knows I’m here for him and that he trusts that I will always be there for him.  These days I feel so beat down, that I hope some day I can look at this picture and say he loved me so much.  Cancer sucks the life out of our loved ones with Cancer they are experiencing every emotion spinning thru their heads at lightening speed.  We in turn are feeling so many emotions not having Cancer but scared, as I have said before we are the next best thing as to having it, we are scared as a wife or partner, mother or not, we have many emotions running in our heads.  Then to think on top of everything we are giving of ourselves, is it enough?  Why are they being verbally mean? Why are they acting so emotionally detached when we cry?  I sometimes say I wish I was a friend or a stranger bc then he would be at least nicer.  I’m so glad that your husbands son is getting to hear that his dad loves him.  I understand that only hearing it here or there and now hearing it every time is different and difficult, but he will be so glad he did.  He will now know how his father did really love him, and was proud of the man his son grew up to be.  If he ever doubted his love.  I’m sorry you had to get rid of your kitten, bc they can add so much comfort to those who are sick or going thru a lot emotionally.  I also totally know about expressing my feelings over and over again to my husband and he will be nice and then back to that same person, with me again in tears.  Not feeling needed in away that I can’t express but yet needed...if that makes any sense.  The pain that Cancer puts us all thru,  is just the worst and heartbreaking 💔. You are an amazing wife with a great big heart and soul.   He does need you, he loves you more than you will ever know.  He is scared not only for himself but for you and his kids.  You are moving in with his dad.  He is scared for his dad.  It’s funny bc as I’m writing this to you I wish I could believe all I am writing in my husband.  You are amazing, loving and caring.  I take everything minute by minute.  Anything more than that I feel dizzy and lightheaded and have a complete anxiety attack.  I am always here I don’t know where you live, I’m in the Boston area.  But know that every day and minute you have is a blessing.  I know you don’t want him in pain, but remember that you are the one who is his advocate.  You see him in any pain you speak up.  I know you will, your stronger than you think, as I know I am.  But a broken heart can weigh heavy on us.  I am thinking of you and your husband Patches.  I hope to hear back from you and we keep in touch.  ❤️