HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

[cath1]

Hi to you all.

I found this group today and I felt such a deep, overwhelming sadness but I do not feel quite so alone. For that I am grateful. Thank you for easing my mental isolation.

My background is that my Husband has been verbally and physically abusive to me in the past. I did leave him for 18 months but believed he had changed after anger management so came back. He has always had a temper and will not discuss anything unless it suits him.

My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 inoperable lung cancer last July. He was also told he may have 2 years to live if immunotherapy was successful. It was but has now stopped due to it causing severe ulcers.  This was after months of arguments because of his refusal to go to our GP and when he did it was only because I rang the GP.

We were sent up to hospital within an hour  of speaking to his GP because his symptoms were so severe. . That drive up was when it all started.

It was all my fault from then on things have only got worse. I am to blame for everything and he has said such cruel unkind things that some days I wish I was not here.

I have told him how it hurts me, he will be nice for a day and then the slightest thing triggers him again.

I have tried to talk to some people about it but I get comments such as well poor thing it must be so hard for him or its his way of coping with it and such like. Its as though the cancer now gives him a licence to say or do what he wishes and its OK. It makes me feel as though I am uncaring person and I should be more understanding of his behavior. 

He reserves it all for me, to everyone else he is so nice, jolly and caring. This is not the person I live with.

I have thought of leaving but then I would have to move away from my family and that is a price too high. My children are in the middle as they are aware of how he is but I still get the cancer excuse for him. This really hurts me.

I even find going out hard now as everyone I see just constantly asks how he is and to be honest some days I just need a big hug, some normality, not a constant reminder of the pain in my life. 

For saying that am I being selfish and uncaring ? A question I ask myself constantly and I am actually beginning to think maybe I am. So much self doubt and I feel so so alone in my thoughts with no one to share how I feel. Its as though I am invisible in the world. He has so much support and yet I have none and I so wish I did. I have never felt loneliness like this ever.

Well I guess I will carry on being the caring wife I have always been because I have to but given a magic wand maybe I would choose to disappear. Who knows ? Again I guess this makes me a bad person but I am being totally honest. 

Now we have covid 19 and we only have each other for company. I will say no more as I think maybe you will guess what it is like now.

Good luck to all those people out there. By that I mean the carers because you all deserve medals.

Thank you again for writing in as it has helped a little to know I am not totally alone even if most of you are silent verbally in the outside world.

[cath1]

HI Hestas
You are not alone even if it feels like it. Feeling so sad for you as know exactly what you are going through. Wish I could give you a big hug. Stay strong if you can, not for him but because you deserve better. x

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Cath1,

First thing I am going to do is send you a Great Big Hug!  Your feelings are not selfish.  I have been thru this and so many other things with my husband and I’m surprised I didn’t.  I also have kids.  My husband was diagnosed in June 2019 with appendix stage 4 cancer.  He was nice to me then.  Then he came home from the hospital and they put him on steroids and  lorazepam.  Everything I did was wrong.  Everything I said was wrong.  I was told I wasn’t needed or wanted.  He wouldn’t call me from work when he had strength to go in, which killed me to know he was all right and thinking of me too!  But he would talk to all his scumbag friends some who aren’t scumbags.  And we’d argue about this and he would tell me they care about him.  Like I don’t!  That killed me, so deep inside.  The kids turned against me, saying it doesn’t matter what he called me suck it up...or why don’t I just move out, my oldest actually said daddy would rather me here than you.  all I did was cry and cry behind closed doors or at my moms.  Wishing God would just take me, bc obviously I wouldn’t be missed.  I felt alone, invisible surely mentally abused.  I felt worthless.  Yet I never left his side, still haven’t.  So I totally know how you feel.  Then one day we went to the chemo appointment, and a nurse saw how he gave me a dirty look and I just put my head down.  The nurse watched me walk to the bathroom and surprise surprise, she said does he always talk to you like that with that aweful eye look.  I started crying.   I replied no, it’s getting worse since his diagnosis.    The psychiatrist from cancer hospital called him, bc the nurse told them what she witnessed.  I woke up and his first response was who did I talk to at the hospital...I said no one.  Then he told me the psychiatrist called him and left a voice mail.  She called him three more times but he doesn’t believe in Couseling.  So we went in for his appointment and the first thing they did was take one steroid pill away.  Wow what a difference with just one pill.  Then after a two weeks took the rest of the steroid away.  Omg a new man.  At least less aggressive, that I could live with.  Still today, I fluctuate with feelings.  Like we went in for blood work March 31st. During Corvid and his nurse 1/2 the time of his Chemo greeted us at door.  I had to stay at door so we chatted.  Well my husband came out, and gave her the nicest Thank you, and since we are honest here.  I was so upset.   He has never been so nice to me.  He is so kind to everyone but me.  I wrote him a letter, like 1 week ago, bc I have been barely talking to him. Well I talk but only about him or what needs to be talked about.  My letter said you care so much for me, yet it’s been two weeks and you still haven’t asked me what’s wrong, I guess I’m just not that important.  Today is one week and he still hasn’t asked me.  I know I deserve so much better especially from a husband of 22 years and three kids.  I hate that I’m still here and he makes me feel worthless, useless, and ugly... yet then he needs me.  I would check if your husband is on steroids, tell the nurses behind his back, about his behavior.  My husband still had the steroid with chemo, they have to...but he wouldn’t get the ones at home bc we did a three day chemo.  My husband has his days of when I matter and when I don’t.  Still has his secret phone calls when I’m not around.  With obvious scumbags, that I don’t like.  I honestly don’t know how much more I can take, but obviously I’m still here.  Please know your not alone.  I’m 51 and my husband is 56.  I never saw this coming..today he wants to be nice to me.  And I just want to 🤢 throw up...I feel like I come last with everything around here...or do they even see me??? So we shouldn’t be treated this way and nor should they treat the ones that love them and care for them daily this way, ever...no excuses...Cancer or no Cancer...so tell him.   He wouldn’t like it. Or if you have a daughter say would you like our daughter to be talked to and treated this way.  You are amazing in every way possible!!! He needs you, bc yes he has Cancer!  He is mad and upset, I get that...but at the end of this your the only ones his family who are gonna talk about him almost everyday and feel the heartache.  Not anyone else...they might talk about him twice or three times the first year...and then maybe every other...if that...hold on!!! As hard as it might be, you don’t want any regrets...❤️

[cath1]

Hi Traci Renee

I thank you from the heart for your reply, it made me cry but parts also made me smile. You trying to find some humour about the treatment that your Husband dishes out to you. I am sending you a virtual hug but know that what you really need is a real one from someone that feels your pain.

If only there was an answer because it emotionally destroys you doesn't it ?

It hurts so much because you are doing the best you can in an awful situation, trying to hold the family together and support everyone else yet you are so alone. Why does everyone seem to think its OK for the person you care for to treat you like this because they are ill ? Why is there no support for us ? Just someone neutral to talk to but then maybe they would also excuses for this abusive behavior because of the illness.

I have an invisible wall around me now. The more he hurts me the higher it gets. Ah but then he is nice to me for a day and i let it down only to regret it the following day when I get so hurt again. Either by things he says or does. Last week he told me he would rather be at work than stuck at home with me but the following day he gets up and is nice and needy to me. Expecting me to have forgotten what a hurtful thing he said. I cant keep forgetting, forgiving, caring everyday and survive unscathed. I am emotionally crippled and I know that I will never heal. Like you there are many days when I wish just to go to sleep and not wake ever again.

I try to look at the positives in that I have a family( that despite their lack of understanding)I love so dearly and I have 2 beautiful dogs whom have become ultra important since we all went into isolation, I can cuddle them and they are loyal in their love for me. Sounds silly maybe but they dont hurt me so I am totally devoted to them. They are keeping me sane.

You did not say if you have pets but I hope you do for the same reasons I have stated above.

I am just sat here at my computer with tears in my eyes because I can only write but cannot really help or ease your pain. Oh how I wish I could because life should not be like this.

You are in my thoughts so you are not totally alone. Take care and try to tell yourself you are worth more. 

Sending you a big hug x

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Cath1, 

I truly believe everyone feels bad for the patient bc honestly they have cancer.  They are fighting for their lives.  We should feel bad.  But when you see them be nice to other people and everyone says oh they are so nice.  I just want to say nice they are mean, belittling and psychotic.  You try living with the SOB’S!  You can have him... it’s so hard bc even when I’m not with him and at my moms taking care of her also...I cry...why bc I can’t get away from the meanness from him. He thinks he’s the greatest husband on earth...if he could only read my mind, he the turtle 🐢 in the race.  I stay bc I love him and he is wearing me thin.  I’m also not a forgiver, or a forgeter...I play every word in my head like a constant record.  It hurts my heart hurts.  My head hurts.  Honestly what kills me more is that I truly wonder if I ever knew this man I’ve been married to at all.  Does he love me, has he ever truly loved me?  What a thing to have in your head.  The heartache of my kids calling me names, bc of him.  When I’m washing their clothes folding them and putting them in their rooms. Vacuuming their rooms and doing anything they ask of me.  He has put this wedge between me and my daughter the most. Which kills me.  My boys are nicer.  My middle one will stick up for him and my youngest is still sweet to his mom...but then the other kids will attack him and he will say mom, please don’t fight with dad he has cancer.  I told his mother how mean he was, she said oh I don’t believe it, not in front of the kids.  So now I’m a liar.  Except my husband lost his sister to cancer and she was extremely mean to my mother inlaw and my sister in-law.  But I’m 🤥 lying.   I told her you don’t believe me, are you kidding me.  I said oh ok, well I’m letting you know if he keeps talking to me this way, he won’t have to worry about Cancer taking him, bc I’m gonna strangle him...lol..I honestly want to run myself. As far away from possible.  I think every caretaker wants to.  You don’t know what you signed your sorry butts to, until it’s right in your face.  I would take childbirth a 100 times over naturally!!! Just for the record I only HAVE 3...😉...but I don’t want to live with regrets that I walked away from the man I love.  So now I look at him this way.  I can say I love my truck...but I really don’t!  You know why? Bc you can’t love something that can’t love you back.  It’s a material thing!!!.  So I’m starting to think that even tho I love him, he is my truck, except he has the ability to put me first, speak nicely to me and make me feel like his wife and love.  But instead he acts cold like my truck.  No feelings...which is why I’m asking myself, did I ever know him?   What a thing to leave in my head.  But if I wasn’t at the hospital or take to long at the grocery store, he wants me there.  Or I’m aweful leaving for so long...but he can have his secret phone calls, texts and scumbags.  Like a secret..I’m a grown woman I don’t have time for games.  He calls his mother and sister when I’m not around, probably bc they are on my naughty list.  He was hospitalized 4 times 28 days since last June.  They came to see him 4 maybe 5 times...his mother lived in my three family for half the rent.  So ya I am mad, but he calls them and is all nice to them.  It kills me Cath1...i am not one to ask for help, bc I like things a certain way.  If I see your folding something a different way then I do it, I’ll have a damn anxiety attack...then I’m running for my klonopin...lol...how old are you and your husband?  Where do you live? I live in the Boston area.  I really hope to talk to you again real soon...you seem real, and me OUCH!!!! I just pinched myself I am very real tooooo...haha I can tell bc I felt the pinch...❤️ Big hugs!  
your NEW VENTING FRIEND

Traci-Rene’e

[cath1]

Hi Traci Renee

I Have been so positive today. I got up and sat in the sun with the dogs, did some gardening, went for a dog walk, rang my girls and it was so lovely. I felt normal, whatever that is, my heart was not racing, relaxed and at peace,

The reason why was because he was in hospital until tonight. It gave me a breather and made me realize I can feel happy and at peace. That was shattered on his arrival home when I told him the consultant had said he needed not just to isolate but also to shield. Well he was very angry, directed at me of course and told me in no uncertain terms that he was going to stay in etc. I tried to stay calm and told him it was to protect him and that also we needed to try and isolate from each other as much as possible. He had gone to hospital three times in succession so I said that there was a risk he could be carrying covid and that he could potentially infect me so it would also protect me. I have had bad pneumonia twice and also have asthma so am at higher risk than some. Well was he bothered ? No it was my fault and he did not even seem concerned that potentially he could infect me. He raved on until I lost it and told him if he thinks that I want any of this then he is mistaken and yes it is hard for me as well. I told him I would bring his meals up and see to everything etc. Well then he goes and has another cigarette in the garden. I calmly remind him that all the consultants have said to stop smoking. An evil stare from him. Lung cancer !! 

I give so much, like you and yet I am his verbal punch bag. I try so hard to understand how he must be feeling etc. He rang me 8 times yesterday and was so nice and cheery. Maybe someone was listening !! Then he tells me he had asked to stay in hospital rather than come home. That hurt. I said nothing cos what is the point. I have told him he is so horrid to me . He will say I know, Im sorry but next day conversation forgotten.

I feel such a sense of loss already. Like you I just do not know what to do to be right. I feel I have tried all I know. Talking, ignoring the comments as long as is humanely possible, hugging him but nothing makes a difference for any time.

I remember he told his sister he was pleased it was him that had the cancer and not me. I would be fine but he could not cope. Not that he was worried if I would be OK and if I would cope. I did not know if it was me taking this wrong so I told a friend and she was shocked he said that. He also told another of my friends he had cancer. She asked if I was OK ? Yes course shes fine. She rang me because she knew I would not be. She was shocked at the way he said it.

Does not seem to recognize how this is for me also. No I am not fine. I am 63 and do not know any certainty anymore. I will be alone far sooner than I thought and my kids lose their Dad, grand kids, His family lose him, his friends. 

Oh I am rabbiting on. Think you know all that I am saying because I feel your pain and hurt so much. I know how you feel and maybe by you just knowing that you will not feel totally alone in your dark moments. Just think you are doing your best and no we make mistakes but never intentionally. Believe in yourself because if you are like me my self esteem is so low now.

oh and almost forgot bite your tongue when he horrid to you 😉

Take good care. Thanks for making me not feel so alone. Big hugs x

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Cath1, 

first of all big hug!  Second how weird is this.  My husband said the same thing.  He told the dr’s and the nurses and others that thank god it was him and not me.  I swear to god.  I asked him what he meant by that. His honest response was bc he will fight this and wouldn’t want me to go thru it.  So not sticking up for your husband, but that’s probably what he meant.  Secondly believe it or not he probably wouldn’t be able to cope with your girls and grandchildren, seeing them so sad.  So believe it or not he is admitting he feels you would do better than him with your girls and grandkids.  I believe that to be true, only knowing you for such a short time.  He is saying he couldn’t bare to watch you go thru this.  I swear to god my husband said the same friggin thing.  Also he isn’t thinking about Corvid and how bad it is, bc he has Cancer.  Believe it or not my husband and I just had this same argument 2 weeks ago, when I was at my three family, my tenants know my husband has cancer and can’t catch this and neither can I.  Well my second floor tenant whose dad works with my husband.  ( my husband hasn’t returned to work yet) but my tenant was coming down to see me, everyday I was there.  Well yet to find out his father has Corvid and two other guys from my husbands office also had it.  One just died 7 days ago Louis Fabello.  You can look it up.  Well I text my husband bc he is being told who has it at work updates.  So I text him saying are you trying to kill me...meaning you know I was coming to the house and joe my tenant was gonna come say hi to me when his dad has Corvid and lives 6 houses away from my three family that his son lives in, and he visits his family like 10 times a day.   He said is he ok.  Not worried about me at all.  I cried, especially bc I take care of him and worry about him at all costs.  I’m still barely talking to him, it hurts so bad.  Today I really didn’t do poop around my house or anywhere.  I am mentally distracted and can’t stay focused.  My heart hurts so bad, wrote him a letter a week ago Monday so now a week and a half ago, saying I have barely been talking to you and you haven’t even asked what I’m upset about. Hmmmmm ya you care.  He said well your very vocal so if your not happy then your gonna tell me.  Well I didn’t and haven’t and it’s been a week and a half and he still hasn’t asked me.  Yup double whammy!  Ya would have thought if I’m telling you there a problem and you haven’t asked and I’m telling you, you don’t care about me.  Then what would be the first thing you would do, hmmmm I’d ask so what is wrong, how can I make you feel better? Nope I didn’t get that at all.  😪.   What a life we are living.  We are living the F-IN DREAM GIRLFRIEND!  I know I love him or I would be so flipping gone by now, but I’m dying for that same love in return as you are.  Who we kidding we want to hear how much they love us.  But most of all more than words feel it, see it and smell it...now that would be the F-IN DREAM!!! ❤️ Hope to hear back from you soon. Oh and you didn’t say where your from.  I told you I live near Boston Massachusetts????lol

[VM]

Hi Cath1,

See the thing is Cancer doesn't just strike the grace filled, wonderful, kind and stoic people we see in the movies. It strikes the awful, self centred and nasty as well. And as the one caring for them a rational human would feel angry and resistant. And the outside world that has not witnessed the bad behaviour covers our shoulders with this cloak which symbolises all these wonderful traits of caring, forgiveness, strength and the expectation that we can put aside the betrayal, the hurt and nastiness that the Cancer experiencer has levelled at us. It sounds wrong to us....we shouldn't feel this way....this person has Cancer...we should be bigger than this. I have come to the realisation that my stepson will die as he lived...selfish, argumentative, narcissistic, and abusive. I have tried to slip into that cloak and have kinder thoughts but after 24 years of abuse, bad behaviour, alcoholism and theft he and I and his father have arrived at 3 months to go before he dies. It has taken a shift for me to step into his carer's shoes. I now do his washing and cleaning, things till now I have refused to do. It is disgusting going into his living space because I know this is how he has always lived but God knows when the OT came and saw what it was like up there I thought I can't stand outsiders thinking this is how we live or worse how WE treat HIM.

He continues to argue, demand a second opinion, speaks horribly about his Oncologist but for 18 months did nothing about a second opinion...he continues to smoke like a chimney which reduced the efficiency of the chemo...and didn't exercise or do anything meaningful with his remaining months/years.

I have spent 24 years hoping he would change...and the fact is he won't. Now that I have put that aside I can breathe. It won't stop me being wary of being taken advantage of...even during this final time.....but I am starting to sort through it. And dare I say it....hoping it ends soon....there... I said it!

xx

[Traci-Renee]

Hi VM,

Wow!  Yes you did.  I do believe in Karma.  After everything you have been thru with him, I’m surprised or can’t believe your helping him out.  That’s what happens when at least one of us have a heart.  Even if broken by this person, we still some how gather as many pieces we can put together for them and be there, when no one else would.  You are obviously a big hearted person VM.  Sending you a hug.  It’s sad, but we all have story and Cancer just sucks.  I don’t wish Cancer upon anyone.  I truly don’t. But I truly don’t like being verbally abused or treated like I’m some scumbag oh wait, my husband has some scumbag friends that he treats and is more excited to see then me and much nicer to...this plain out Sucks!!!  It absolutely is causing me so much anxiety, I feel like I have a house on my chest.   Big Hugs to all you caregivers!!!  Without you and your BIG HEARTS what would any sick person do?  Cancer or no Cancer...❤️

[cath1]

Hi VM

Oh bless you and I am so sorry that you are having to care for someone that has never been kind to you. Its a dreadful predicament to be in because you are doing your duty, as the world sees it, but to someone who sadly means little to you because of their self destructive ways and unkindness it is far worse. 

It sounds like whatever you have done it has made no difference so I think that maybe your acceptance he will never change is healthy for you. I expect despite this you will shed a tear whatever you feel when he dies. I dont mean for him passing but that he could not have been a nicer person, a different person and that then you could have loved him and felt the pain you should feel when that happens.

You do not say how your Husband feels as this is his blood Son ? I do hope he is being more than supportive to you for the care that you are giving his Son. You need and deserve that for what you are doing.

I have been a carer most of my life and I nearly always loved my work. However I have cared for a few that have had vicious, cruel and an unkind nature. Those I gave the same care to but there was not a genuine love of them. I just did what I had to. I guess that is what you are doing and I know its not a pleasant thing to have to do.

Love, care should be given because its what you WANT not what you feel you have to do.

I am just so so sorry. Stay strong and for you I hope it will soon end.

So unfair this isnt it ?

Thinking of you. Take care of yourself.

Big hug to you xx