I’m lost. Wife has stage 4 bowel ca. We are both miserable.

[Jsmc]

My wife was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer a few weeks after giving birth to our second child. She is only in her 30’s, and our eldest is 2. She is one year on from diagnosis. We were given less than 6 months, but she has responded amazingly to chemo and surgery. 

Still lots of tumours all all over the place, but she is functioning quite well. 

I am am finding each day harder to deal with. Not only because the kids are maniacs, but I feel like I am constantly wrong, constantly agitated and can never communicate or do anything right. I am lost and alone. 

She is obviously having a hard time as well, and I totally get it, but it seems like negativity- my hair is falling out, I look like I have a disease, I feel like crap, etc.  I can’t help but take this personally- I can’t fix it, nor can I convince her it doesn’t matter, and it’s obvious it is weighing very heavily on her. 

Selfish as as it sounds, I feel like I lost my wife already.   I can pinpoint the day and hour. Ever since post op she found out there were more tumours, there has been this invasion of negative vibes.

The kids eat up all of her goodwill and happiness, and I get the dregs and exhaustion.   I often feel like a 5th wheel. Needed to do things but not welcome to be a part of anything nice.

It’s shit. I shouldn’t be staring down the barrel of being a single dad. I shouldn’t have to watch my wife blame herself for how she looks, be upset that I’m the only one that’s going to see our kids grow up. I shouldn’t feel alone. 

There is so much more I need to blurt out, but I’m not a great emotion sharer, so will have to be piece by piece.  

[Budgie]

Hi Jsmc,

Piece by piece is fine, as long as you do get it all out!  Is your wife still on chemo?  The drug itself could have something to do with how she is.  Sometimes, apparently, it can have a negative effect on your personality.  

What are you doing for yourself?  You need to take care of you, it's not just your wife that needs looking after.  Do you have time to yourself at all?  Do you have friends you can talk to & download to?  Have you tried to talk to your wife about how she is making you feel?  There are quite alot of people in a similar situation as yourself on this website.  @little_stitcher started this thread, Abusive patients,  you may be interested in.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

All the best

Budgie

[Jsmc]

Yeah, she is still on chemo and will be for the rest of her life. 

My me time really only is when I’m at work (I work in health, so no respite there lol) or when she is stressed out dealing with the kids in the morning and I am so over it that I pretend I’m asleep. I’m desperate to have some real me time, not just an hour where she takes the kids to the park. 

I often try to talk to her about it but she just doesn’t get it. Her response is always that she has cancer and is doing her best looking after the kids and staying alive. I rarely see happiness or joy in her eyes anymore. And it kills me. 

[iloveyoudearly7]

Hi Jsmc,

You’re both doing the best you can together while being pulled from multiple directions. As Budgie previously suggested – have you sort additional help just yet? Either with child minding or emotional?

Are the grandparents from either side able to assist or maybe childcare could be considered for the older one? You could speak with the hospital’s guidance councilor or the cancer council regarding potential child minding programs? Can a friend maybe babysit for a night?

(Behind those worried eyes for the future. There is joy, joy for every moment she spends with her children and you. It’s not lost, it’s just simply covered for now).

[worriedwife]

I am sorry you are going through this. I couldn't even imagine going through it with little ones at home. My husband was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer had his surgery 2 1/2 months ago and just completed his second round of chemo. His moods are all over the place. It is so difficult watching our loved ones go through this. I hear more often than not how he wants to give up because the chemo has been very hard on him. He gets short at times and I try really hard not to take it personally but sometimes because I feel so overwhelmed and stressed I get mad when he gets upset. I try to gently remind him that I'm here to help and support him and to please not to take it on those around him, he apologizes and I get it, I get he's scared, feels like crap ect. Usually when he gets in these moods i either leave him alone for awhile or I'll just sit next to him and say nothing. Thankfully our kids are grown. My heart goes out to you during this time.

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Jsmc, I am so sorry you and your family are going thru this. My husband was recently diagnosed with appendix cancer that has metastasized thru small intestines and large, his omentum and three lymph nodes. I also was getting the verbal abuse. Everyone else cared about him and I was a piece of poop. I do everything for him. Me, myself and I. I felt like he hated me. Well the nurse noticed a few looks he was giving me and when I came out of the ladies room, the nurse started asking me questions. His next visit they lowered his steroid and he is a new man. I mean as far as I haven’t been sworn at, or talked to like I was a piece of crap. It is so hard because they are the ones that have the actual cancer, but we are also going thru it with them. No we don’t know how they feel, but we are also hurting almost as much. I totally understand they are scared. We are scared also. I have three older kids but it still doesn’t take away the pain my kids are dealing with. No matter what age. Let’s face it Cancer Sucks! My heart goes out to you. Your wife believe me knows what a great husband she married, and daddy you are. It probably hurts her that you have to take on things she has had to do being mom. Just keep on being the great person you are being. It’s definitely ok to be angry. I’m angry my husband is 55. It’s even ok to go in the garage like I do and cry. I hope this helps you to know your not alone. Keep us posted you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Traci Renee