My husband has just been told his time is limited

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My husband has just been told his time is limited

Yesterday was his 57th birthday and his Oncologist told us that he has between six and 12 months. He needs to start chemo on Monday. We currently are not talking. We live on a 50 acre farm 55 minutes from the hospital. I want to sell and buy a house closer, he is refusing. He refuses to acknowledge my concern that we are so isolated here, I am on my own to deal with whatever happens, both medically and farm wise. I feel unable to cope with this. He seems to think I want us to move because I will be happier after! I'm anti chemo, but have said nothing altho he is aware of my feelings and resents me for having an opinion. I have remained silent, given we went thru all of this last time round. However, I have already suffered his wrath even tho I have said nothing. He wants us to be happy together for whatever time is left. Pretty hard when the marriage was crap to begin with. I have limited support, and no one to talk to. I feel dreadfully at a loss to know what to do. Do I sell up now and move closer to the hospital or do I stay where he wants? What about me afterwards? I feel so guilty for even thinking about it, but it will be a mammoth effort to sell this place up by myself. I don't think I even know how to go about selling tractors, stock etc. I think it best to do it now, while we have time to do it together. Living in a house will give him time to just relax and enjoy whatever time is left. We have no money to pay anyone to help, the place will rundown in no time. The workload on me now is huge, now we will be adding hours driving to and from treatment. Its winter, how will I fit all the work in as well as treatment? We don't have the money to buy first, but this place will take time to sell, time I'm not sure we have. We have no income now he is not working off farm, how will we even pay for the treatment? How do I sit back and just watch him fade away in front of me? He is now down to 62 kilos and unable to keep food down. He seems to be taking this just fine, except that he keeps telling me I stress him out. I don't do or say anything yet still........ He wants us to be happy, I'm not sure I can pretend to do that given all our past history. I want to get in my car and drive away and never come back......... I won't,...........but I truly want to.
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Re: My husband has just been told his time is limited

Well done for being so honest and getting that load off your chest. I hope it relieved your stress a bit. Was in your shoes a while ago and understand how you feel. It is not wrong for you to be trying to make things easier for yourself on the other side of this terrible nightmare you are both having to cope with. Life does go on for the living and it is short for us all so we need to be as happy as possible for as much of as we can. Keep your chin up. Hugs Terese.
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Re: My husband has just been told his time is limited

We all have these thoughts!! We are women, and strong capable ones at that- but majority of us have had our partners right by our sides making decisions with us. It's scary to think that the very near future, we will be making them on our own. I truly hope he see's sense in what you are suggesting. I have just finished doing something similar, and we are all so much more at ease now that we have a more maintainable home- & I am not so scared of the future. Does he still have superannuation? Not sure because you mentioned farming- but does he have any insurance through his super? Life policies will pay out on diagnosis of a terminal illness. Maybe you could look into that to relieve some of the financial pressure? xx Great big hugs
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Re: My husband has just been told his time is limited

My husband has just changed treatment as recent tests showed his myeloma activity has increased greatly. He is now accusing me of being the cause of him becoming ill in the first place. I know he is grieving & worried, but he doesnt see turning on me is not the way to go!!!!! I feel so much better knowing there's others that do more than just struggle with the carer role - we are fighting the person we're caring for too!!! thank you for sharing & I'll be thinking of you.
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Re: My husband has just been told his time is limited

Shedding tears. The grief, anger, aggression, pain, frustration, accusations and bitterness is so difficult to bear with every barbed word said. We know that it is just their grief rearing its ugly head but it is so very hard to hear and know that they are experiencing this dreadful and painful journey. If prayer does help, then I hope mine along with all others help in the journey. x
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Re: My husband has just been told his time is limited

Hello. My husband was given a similar prognosis 4 months ago, at his diagnosis. This is a hard time. It sounds like you may be struggling with a lack of support, emotionally, practically and financially. I would like to share some information with you, which you may already know. But just in case you don't, I would like to suggest some things which have helped me. It can be difficult to reach out, but there are networks around which may be of some help to you. We have had a lot of help from the cancer council's local staff, the hospital's palliative care team, the Silver Chain and I have also just discovered Carers Australia. The local cancer nurse coordinator has put us in touch with a social worker, financial counsellor who works pro bono, and also free counselling sessions. The social worker helped with finding out what centrelink benefits we were eligible for. The financial counsellor has helped with the banks, super, wills, power of attourney, power of guardianship, investing, and more. The occupational therapist came out and organized to have rails put in everywhere, and also an above bath seat, a toilet frame, etc. If you have not already accessed these services it may be worth your while to call the cancer council and ask to speak to someone locally. The Cancer Council coordinator (a different woman) suggested local support groups and other free activities run by the cancer council for cancer patients and their families. I am sure that the cancer council offers other services too, which I can't think of right now. oh, Solaris is great if it is available at your hospital. When you need to talk to someone, try the Cancer Council Helpline 13 11 20 and tell them what is going on, you will feel better and they may surprise you will what is available. Also, the Cancer Council Helpline is great because you don't have to pretend and can tell them what is really happening and how you really feel. There is also a range of fantastic booklets worth getting hold of, particularly one for carers, "Caring for Someone with Cancer" and many more "Understanding Chemotherapy" etc http://www.cancer.org.au/ Is there a palliative care team at your hospital? They also have a lot of support services available which you may need to request, as they don't push their services onto palliative patients and their families, they seem to wait until you ask. They work with Silver Chain and offer respite care to carers, what was offered to me was 2 hours twice a week on a regular basis where a nurse would come out to the house (we are 30km out of town) and be with my partner so that I could go to town and do errands, have time to myself etc. This is on top of the regular Silver Chain services, such as dr and nurse visits to the house, talking over meds, symptoms, pain management. Carers Australia is also worth looking into, they also have a counselling line for Carers, which seems to be dependent on what state you are living in, more info on their website, http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/ or you could call the national number 1800 242 636. Have you considered renting out the farm, and renting in town? That way, the sale of the farm can wait until a less stressful time further down the track, and you will be closer to the hospital. Thinking about what happens after your partner passes is normal. Feeling a sense of loss is normal. Grieving for what you have lost is normal. The Carers WA newsletter for July 2013 has a great article on ambiguous loss: "Most models of grief aren’t applicable to the grief experienced by carers. This is because models of grief mostly relate to loss from death; however carers can experience profound loss without the finality of death. This can mean that carers don’t always get the support that they need." I really encourage you to reach out for that support. All the best, Symphony. xxx
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Re: My husband has just been told his time is limited

It’s all changed in a few words from the doctor, My loving wife is telling me to find someone else as she doesn’t want me around, finding fault with anything I do. I realize that she wants to separate so as to make it easy for me, and if she doesn’t have anything to live for it will be easier to face the end, however I can see that for me things haven’t changed that much as we have never known when death would come or how, now we know how it might come for her. After all it is about her so do I allow her to keep driving a wedge between us without me pulling them out and repairing our relationship so she will be content and happy, or do I keep holding on to her and just keep saying to myself I am as I love her entirety. It’s only been two weeks and from what I have been reading tonight I realize how complex everyone’s life has become due to relationships becoming transparent as my own. A mess of feelings and emotions from both of us that have no logical reason, yet we still seem to hang in there. Is this normal? it makes since to me, does it make since to you?
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Re: My husband has just been told his time is limited

Hi Michael, I don't think there is a normal when it comes to dealing with a cancer diagnosis. Having said that, what you wrote does make sense to me. My husband was diagnosed with NHL 3 years ago, and I remember how freaked out we both were in the first couple of weeks. Don't forget it's only been two weeks, which is no time at all in emotional terms. Keep hanging in there, both of you. I wish you both all the luck in the world. Emily.
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Re: My husband has just been told his time is limited

Firstly hello everyone I am a newbie to this site this journey . I already feel you are all in my head hahahahah thinking feeling going through same stuff I am. I am sorry for what you are going through , and I can relate . My husband has just recently been diagnosed with lung cancer stage 3 and told because of where it is in the lung etc that his time is also limited . Right before his diagnosis and for the past 16 mths we have done nothing but fight , as he was not working and just laying around moaning about pain. having gone to drs so many times and drs just telling him he had arthritis and to learn to live with it basically. Me thinking he was just being lazy gave him grief and nasty grief every single day about being a bludger and what kind of man lets his wife work full time etc etc only to now find out the pain in his back is the cancer and they have put him on morphine straight away and had to increase the dosage three times already in 5 weeks . I seriously was thinking I was heading for divorce. The cancer was finally picked up once he started to lose his voice and he has this very bad husky voice that is hard to hear or understand . I now have guilt and doing every thing I can to make it up to him . He is a musician and has so much stuff and a lot of it is high end stuff that I know nothing about . I find myself worrying about how will I go about selling it and getting what it is worth or close to it , and not selling something worth thousands because it looks to me like it is worth ten bucks. I felt so bad thinking about this kind of stuff, until last week when I finally told him and asked if while he is still well enough could he put a price range and stick a sticker on it so when the time came I could do him justice for all the yrs he has collected this gear . I held my breath thinking I will be accused now of wanting him to die etc etc but he didnt he actually took it really well and said he understood why I had brought it up . Maybe try that approach with your husband about the farm equipment . I also found it helpful to move on from our horrible past 16mths by writing an email to him and I didn't hold back and I cried the whole time I wrote it as did he when he read it. It has brought us closer together again and he now knows he isn't alone in this journey.I also pointed out to him that while it was him that had the cancer, it was also a bad diagnosis for me and I was scared for him, scared for us, and equally scared for me when he is gone .We have still had our fights in the last 5 weeks and the things that pissed me off about him before still do now .Don't think that will ever change . I agree the things you want to do make sense but I am guessing he feels like everything that was who he is and stood for is being taken from him. Do You have a neighbour also into farming that you could go talk to and ask if he wont sell up when the time comes would they help you . sorry I have no real answers to help but please know you are not alone and your honesty was so refreshing to me and I am sure so many others on here . I lok forward to getting to you know all more and being a part of your journey while you a part of mine . Ps my typing punctuation skills are terrible so good luck reading heheheh
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Re: My husband has just been told his time is limited

Hello, thank you for your life you gladly share with us. I have had to steep back and look at what has changed in our life. The only thing that has changed so fare is we have a general idea of what might be the outcome of life, and yet it brings with it condensed feelings and emotions. Weaknesses are strengths, strengths are weaknesses that all changed in character from minute to minute to be able to live and give personal support. The challenge has been in allowing ownership of feelings and emotions to be resolved within the owners realm and not to disempower but to support self-empowerment from resolving feelings and emotions. This is where I am at this time how ever it will change as the prognosis does. Love to you all
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