confused and angry

Highlighted
Not applicable

confused and angry

just lately i have become more and more angry, also i am confused about what to do about it.My wife has terminal cancer and her bone involvement is very advanced. My wife is looking forward to our holiday in January and so are the kids. Whilst talking to my wifes surgeon last week i mentioned the fact that my wife was worried that she wasn't going to see this christmas, the surgeon then lowered her head slightly and shook her head. When my wife came back into the room, the surgeon told my wife to look forward to the January holiday. I don't want my wife to give up fighting,so i don't want to say anything to her but she keeps asking me whats wrong and whats bothering me...What can I do, what can I say?
Reply
0 Kudos
14 REPLIES 14
Highlighted
Frequent Contributor

Re: confused and angry

I believe you should discuss your wife's prognosis with her. It's heart breaking and even harder to keep these things to yourself. My partner always looks on the bright side and stays positive. He believes and tells people that he will be around for years. It was hard for me to go along with him knowing that things aren't going to be as bright as he thought or hoped for. I kept all the things about GBM that I read to myself and it was killing me. He could see and feel it and asked me to be honest and upfront with him about how I feel, what I read, etc. We cried hard after this talk but helped me a lot. We agree that things aren't looking good but we have to stay positive. You never know you may be one of the lucky people who happens to survive this. As for the holidays, can you bring the holidays forward? I know it sounds like a stupid suggestion. I've been there before. We had a plan to go to Europe at the end of May this year. It's a trip that we planned for a long time before we discovered that my partner has GBM in August last year. We were positive and believed we could make it. We were suggested to bring our plan forward. I didn't have enough leave days at the time and the timing and season in Europe weren't right so we aimed high and kept the plan. It ended up we couldn't go due to recurrent tumour and spending the money on his drug instead.
Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Contributor

Re: confused and angry

What can you do, what can you say,If your wife believes that she will see this Christmas, then believe it with her, give her hope, something to cling on to, something to work towards. Whats the alternative, dash the hope, throw away the future plans, even if it is so. give her something to work towards, not just to sit around and wait for the inevitable. Dont be angry, it will only cause more upset than what you are going through. Who knows, my wife was given 5 wks and she lived on 2yrs with a good quality of life. Once hope has gone, it would be very difficult to regain it. The end may come soon enough, without living it every day until it is upon you.Your wife is the sufferer and you the carer, she shouldnt be asking you whats wrong, Look after her give her hope. wombat4
Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Super Contributor

Re: confused and angry

dazza2010 Very very complicated matter, has your wife ever asked her medical team or discussed with you about a time frame with her illness. Are you sure your wife will give up hope if given this news. You have to stay strong for the kids as well Try not to waste your feelings on anger but channel them in to hope for your family I think your wife has a right to be know about her prognosis but I don't know the full situation,its a hard decision. It would be putting a terrible mental strain on yourself and family keeping this news to yourself whilst trying to keep it from her, remember doctors are not always right, you have to try and stay positive, only you know the possible answer about how your wife will take this terrible news if told, what a dilemma you all face, good luck which ever way you go.My heart goes out to your family kj
Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Occasional Contributor

Re: confused and angry

What a difficult time and decision for you. As a person living with cancer I am keen on as much honesty as possible, I don't won't to be misled even if people think they are doing it for my good. However, that is me and I know not everyone thinks that way. What is especially sad is that how you are feeling may get in the way of your relationship and that would be a terrible waste of time. Maybe moving your holiday is a good option. Be gentle with yourself, you will know which way to go. Rikki
Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Contributor

Re: confused and angry

Hi Dazza! How I relate! My husband has had his third stint in hospital for the month this week. Firstly, blood in his poo, secondly, his one remaining kidney failed and then finally he could not keep food down and his potassium levels dropped..... I asked the doctor outright if this was his body starting to shut down, or if it is an acute situation we can rectify.....she answered that although It was probably an acute episode, his body wouldn't be able to take much more...... Then I had a health professional ask me if he was in denial about the fact he was dying...... Aren't we all?!?! Anyhoo- I very gently broached the subject with him ( although we have had wills made up, he has yet to sign his....) and he brushed me off......I'm not dying........ Who do you believe? I have thought since he was diagnosed that he would be around for 'at least 15 years'...... As his cancer is very rare and very slow growing......but this week.....my gut feeling has changed....... Hopefully he comes home tomorrow and we can have a frank and pragmatic discussion about his status, but I know he is scared.....so am I......... I want to be positive and upbeat for him (and myself and our kids), but maybe I just need to be honest!! Maybe we should just live one day at a time and plan for the holiday but have a backup plan just in case......I always do!! Good luck and I feel for you buddy!!! PA
Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Not applicable

Re: confused and angry

Hi Dazza! I really feel for you and your wife. Both my wife and I have cancer so I can relate both as a carer and a survivor. Every one reacts differently to a life threatening situation. As for us, we have developed a quirky sense of humour and often joke about things to get through. The kids thing we are gross but that is how we are coping. Also as we both have terminal cancer, we have to watch that we don't bring each other down. I don't envy you at this time but I believe it is important to be honest. As far as the holiday goes,I would be looking at bringing it forward rather than waiting as nothing is certain as far as time goes. Give her a chance to have some fun while she can. Enjoy each other. Have a holiday asap and then have another one in January if all is going well! My wife was diagnosed first and I went through all kinds of thoughts and emotions, she was worried about me which was ironic. So the best thing is to talk to each other, look for opportunities to brighten her life. Best wishes for the near future, for what it's worth I will pray for you and your wife. Mark A
Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Occasional Contributor

Re: confused and angry

Hi Dazza, We too have been in this situation, my husband has 4 brain tumors, found out in Feb, we told the doctor that we planned to go to qld, in late april, was advised to bring it forward, but Gary was so determined to stay to the plan, and against all odds, we made it and had a great holiday, he didn't quite get home as planned, but we did after 4 days in brisbane hospital, but it still would of happened if we were home, and we would have missed the 2 weeks of fun and family.he is still going ok 4 weeks later but of course we have started the downhill run, what can you do, I also feel shitty and angry but I do discuss everything with him, even this site, my kids are older, we started our family very young, I am so glad now, but know how you feel as I see the look in the grandkids eyes that their poppa wont be around much longer, so discuss it with her and let her decide because at the end of the day, it will be her choice, take care and be strong, Rain.
Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Super Contributor

Re: confused and angry

If your wife is worried that she may not make it to Christmas she is not totlly unaware of the situation . Maybe you can celebrate Christmas in July. It is something that is done in some places anyway.Then if she is still here for Christmas you can have a different kind of Christmas celebration . Then ,since you've moved your Christmas ,suggest that you move your holiday forward a month or few . Just an idea .
Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
New Contributor

Re: confused and angry

I think it's important to be honest. I know it would be hard, my father just passed (4 days ago) and he was honest with us about everything & every piece of news the dr gave us. What ever the news it only made us stronger and to never give up. Goodluck
Reply
0 Kudos
Post new topic
Talk to a health professional
Cancer Council support and information 13 11 20Mon - Fri 9am - 5pm
Cancer Information and Support

Online resources and support

Access information about support services, online resources and a range of other materials.

Caring for someone with cancer?

Find out what resources and support services are available to assist you.