Pancreatic cancer sucks

JohnDenning59
Contributor

Pancreatic cancer sucks

Hi all, and a special hello to those who have supported me in the past. I hope everyone is doing well.

 

Just a quick overview - 9 months ago I was diagnosed with stage 3 advanced pancreatic cancer and have been fighting it with chemo and radiation. What started as a 4.5cm tumour shrank down to 1.5cm during that time, but a month ago it really fought back. I found out a fortnight ago after they drained nearly two litres of fluid from around my right lung,  that it has metastasized and has spread to my liver and my lungs. The oncologist today told me that I have about another four months to live and that my condition was now terminal.

 

This is actually an interesting thread, because it gives us cancer sufferers the opportunity to share with others our thoughts as the final day approaches. I'm going to jump on here occasionally over the next few months and tell you what I'm thinking. I won't start now, because I've just smoked some weed and my focus is still on the chocolate dessert I just had and whether I should have some more, because trust me, gaining a few pounds is the last thing I'm concerned about at the moment.

 

Take care all. Stay strong.

 

Colin

41 REPLIES 41
Badjoke
Occasional Contributor

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

FIGHT bro, Fight!! I lost a 33 y.o. sister to pacrestic cancer, you're right, IT SUCKS. Now yours has spread, so which one is most likely to get you first? Focus the fight on that one. I also have recently joined the 'cancer' community (prostate). I find out tomorrow if it has spread. I wish to have the strength physically and emotionally to never ever give up the fight....till the end. Best of Luck.

LindaG
Frequent Contributor

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Hi Colin, glad to hear from you again. I think of you often and wonder about your condition. Such bad news, so sorry 💔! I will keep praying for you, hope you can have peace in your soul. You’ve done amazing with your cancer fight💪! Xx Linda G 

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JohnDenning59
Contributor

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Thanks, BJ, yes it's such a horrible disease.  Good luck fighting yours. You've got the right attitude, and I'll send some positive thoughts your way.

 

Colin

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JohnDenning59
Contributor

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Hi, Linda, thanks for that.  Yeah it was a bit of a surprise when it spread so quickly at the last minute. But hey, it's not over yet. There's still some fight in this old dog yet. As for peace in my soul, I'm doing okay in that regard,  although when I look around me at what's happening in the world, it does make me wonder what the hell's going on with so many other souls out there.

 

I'll keep posting on this thread to let you know how things are going.  And thanks so much again for your comforting words and support.  I suppose if it's any consolation, they've put me onto morphine painkillers now, which are kind of fun 🙂

 

Colin

JohnDenning59
Contributor

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Hi all, okay well this is interesting, I suppose. Since being told two days ago that I have four months left, my dreams have changed, in that they are continually interrupted by two words that wake me up every time. The two words are 'four months'.

 

It's hard to explain, but the words are like a reset switch. The connection is obvious, but because I'm asleep, I have no control over when the words will hit me. There's nothing sinister in them, in fact they are innocuous, it's just that they keep jolting me out of dreams.

 

As I said, I'll keep jotting these things down.

 

Colin

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Badjoke
Occasional Contributor

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Hey John,  hoping you can still live life...watch for Angels , they appear as us. They will guide you and uplift your spirits. 

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JohnDenning59
Contributor

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Thanks BJ, I'll do that.  Many years ago, I saw orbs surrounding me. I was at work, and there  were about a dozen of them doing circles around me. I recall feeling calm, but mystified, as well, and after about ten seconds, just as I was about to ask the other workers if they could see them as well, they disappeared.

 

Over the following few  years, I mentioned this incident to a few people. It was an expected result - most seemed understanding, but a few were totally accepting of what I told them. Like many people, I suppose, I refuse to accept that our entire life experiences, all that accumulated energy, just disappear forever when we die. And strangely, despite the sadness I feel for those around me who I hold close, especially my wife, I'm interested in finding out where our souls do go once this vessel we call our body, is discarded.

 

Colin

LindaG
Frequent Contributor

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Hi Colin, I absolutely believe in life after this one that will be so much better! No sickness, pain or crying 🙏🙏! 💕💕 Linda G 

JohnDenning59
Contributor

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

It's quite interesting, really. Without any real pain, I am constantly aware of this thing consuming me from the inside, so at this stage I'm getting an understanding of how cancer actually works. It intrudes and disrupts the normal function of things, causing mild cramping along the way, at this stage, anyway, and my guess is that those intrusions will only intensify over the next few months, until, well, you know.

 

It's not an unbearable pain by any means, but it is the sort of pain that two years ago would have seen me racing off to the docs for some answers. Now, of course, I just accept it for what it is.

 

On a positive note, I've nearly finished a book I've been working on for over two years.  I'm not spruiking it, I just write for fun, but I will point out that impending death does play with your mind quite a bit and that is emerging clearly in the words that I write.

 

Words are a powerful tool, probably the most powerful there is. Just as they can be of incredible benefit, unfortunately they can start wars, destroy relationships, and people, generally. I need to write to a few people, my family in particular, including my kids from my first marriage. And I'm not talking about emails. I'm talking about genuine, written, hard-copy words on pieces of paper.

 

For what it's worth, whenever I go to bed it takes me a while to get settled into a good breathing position and I panic a little. But when that sun comes up in the morning, and our cat does her thing and demands attention and food by knocking things off of the shelves, at least I know there is another day ahead, and that makes me feel good.

 

Enjoy your day, everyone. Whatever it all means, embrace life, and give your friends and family a big hug, just because.

 

Colin

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