Lost 34 year old husband to Stage 4 Cancer, with 2 year old daughter, and struggling

[NaomiW]

I have just lost my 34 year old husband this month to Stage 4 Bowel Cancer.  He started getting pain just after our daughter was born, and formally diagnosed in Feb of 2018.  He died 6 days short of his 35th birthday.  We only met in 2011, and got married in 2014 so have only been married around 5 years.  I miss him every second, and if not for our daughter, would have ended it to go to him.  I'm struggling.  I really am.  I am hoping to find other people I can talk to about this.  It's hard when no-one you know can relate, so I'm turning to this.  I can't bear the thought of having to live the rest of my life without him... it's too painful to come to terms with.  My heart is shattered.  Being a widow at 41 is life altering.

[sch]

Hi NaomiW,

I am so very sorry to hear this.

It's such a very short time that you got to be together and seems very unfair to you and your family.

We are all hear and listening to you.

Not all of us have lost partners, but many of us have lost loved ones (be it partners or family).

You can also call the telephone support service.

https://www.cancer.org.au/about-cancer/patient-support/

How is your daughter?

-sch

[NaomiW]

Hi sch,

No we didn't have long.  I'm so angry and confused right now.  I keep thinking that when our daughter grows up and moves away, I'll have nothing left.  This is only temporary.  I'm only here now because of her, and she's keeping me grounded so to speak, but being parted from my husband is hell.  I don't know what to do with myself now.  Plenty of things I CAN do, but nothing I WANT to do.  My daughter is turning 3 soon, so doesn't really know much about what's going on, except that her mummy is crying a lot and there are pictures of daddy around the house when there never used to be.  She knows I'm sad, and misses her daddy but hasn't quite made the link yet.  I fear that day.  I have no idea how to explain this to her in a way she'll absorb and understand.  I don't even know how I'M going to get through this.  I only lost him 10 days ago. 

[sch]

Naomi,

There really is not words that can do this grief and loss justice.

It feels like your life as you knew it is now over, and that nothing can take you back to how it used to be any longer.

It's so soon since your husband passed away. But not just that, you've also had to grieve before this when your husband was originally diagnosed with cancer.  It's like two for the price of one 😞

Do you have many family and friends around that can help with caring for you and your daughter?

So even if they can't know what you are going through right now, perhaps they can help with care (you and your daughter)?

I know that it feels as if your life will never be whole again without your husband, but the pain will ease a little and will heal somewhat with time, and your daughter will always love you.

Have a look at the e-Books here regarding talking to children about cancer.

https://www.cancer.org.au/about-cancer/types-of-cancer/childhood-cancers/talking-to-kids-about-cance...

-sch

[Budgie]

Hi NaomiW,

I am very sorry for your loss.   I know it must be extremely hard for you  at the moment, but you must give yourself time to grieve properly.  As you said it's only been 10 days, or 11 now.  Your feelings are still very raw. 

You need to know that things will get better; they may take a long while, but they WILL get better.  Use some or all of the resources available to you & your daughter & I'm sure you will find your way.

My heart goes out to you.  Please take care.

Budgie 

[BJO67]

Hi NaomiW

It is unbelievably hard what you're going through.

I lost my partner 7 weeks ago to pancreatic cancer. He was trying to make his 55th birthday but didnt quite get there.

We had been together for 10 years both having been married before.

I felt that I had found my life partner and we would be one of those cute old couples walking and holding hands until we were ancient.

I feel so robbed of our future.

Everyone else seems to be getting on with life...I just have a big hole in my heart.

I nursed him at home for the past few months so now I just wander around an empty house. My daughter who lives an hour away talks to me everday and sees me regularly. My friends are amazing and try to keep me busy. There will always be that emptiness that can never be filled. At least thats how I am feeling at the moment.

I get angry at people who abuse their bodies and live to a ripe old age while my partner had to die....

[NaomiW]

My life will never be the same again. I've suffered a lot of loss in my life, and this just takes the cake. I'm so fed up with having loss in my life. But at the same time, I need to learn how to cope. Right now though, I'm letting myself grieve for as long as I need to. Family are available yes, which I'm grateful for, but it's just not the same. I damnwell want my husband back! My baby girl will never get to know her father. Never see him again, hear him again... it's just too painful to think about.

[NaomiW]

It just isn't fair is it? One minute, you've found the love of your life, the next, they're just... GONE. I keep dreaming I'll be pranked and he's standing right there with his wonderful cheeky grin, telling me it's all a joke.

But it's far from a joke. He's really gone. I just... can't. We barely had time to be happy before he was diagnosed... and it was not long after our daughter was born!

And only THEN do we find out it's hereditary! I'm so f-ing rage filled against that particular family member. If they had told us sooner, we could have had tests done sooner!

[BJO67]

Life sucks.

I feel that good people go through bad times more than the self centred people of this world.

Im sure youre a great mum Naomi and your husband would be so proud of you.

Ive just started seeing a great psychologist who is experienced in grieving and bereavement. Its early days but it does help just by talking to him. You need that person who is removed from friends and family. I thought talking to a stranger would be difficult but you actually feel better after .....

Im thinking of you and sending hugs