So sorry for your loss Jodie From the day Tracy was diagnosed till the unfortunate end I  had put  my emotions on hold, I had to,  as i was her pillar of support, her rock in this universe and she was mine. It was hard times for me once Tracy had physically gone, as it was time now for me to release the grief, what you are experiencing now. Not a day goes by that i don’t think about Tracy sometimes bringing me to tears and other times sharing a chuckle as i remember the good times we had together. Its now been two  + years  since I lost my soulmate in this universe and thinking back now to what i was experiencing in the week following i fully understand the deep grief  you must be feeling. Jodie keep moving forward taking it day by day, you are allowed to grieve however  you want, and yes you might feel guilty about things but i can say totally normal feelings as you can only find the right way to deal with the grief that suits you. Good support base of friends and family around you, including this forum, I  found it very helpful in my progress, it gave me an outlet to vent my frustrations, anxiety and feelings knowing that in a way we were all comforting each other in the process. I can say Jodie that the grief you are feeling now will get better even though you  probably  cant  see it as time moves forward. I couldn’t see it at first either however I slowly  learnt to be able to look at past photos and allow memories to move back in as it was my form of grief moving forward. I will never forget my Tracy as you will never forget  your partner as they will always be with us  as we move on. I do apologise if I have caused you any discomfort of what i have said above and hope your time moving forward day by day is at your pace and your way. Michael ... View more

Hi Jamie i can understand your reaction about saturday night, unfortunately it seems that when you go through or touched by cancer you find out who your true friends are, it seems as though people are uncomfortable with asking  for fear they will upset, this happens to me also. i am feeling the last three weeks that i need to slow down at work, step back and have a break as its starting to get on top of me emotionally. ... View more

Hi Jamie Do try to enjoy your time with friends this weekend. i still have my triggers during work when i think about Tracy and the things we have done or gone or if a song comes on the radio it sets me going, just like you today, but thats ok, and it must have been comforting for you to know that there are students who do feel your pain. Enjoy your different environment away from all the triggers at home, i found it easier to remove myself from the home environment and go somewhere clear of the triggers, it enabled me to think about other things without being reminded, it enabled me to start talking about how i was going and what i was thinking to those that i could talk to, it didnt stop me having moments of grief but it really helped me to deal with the hole process . michael ... View more

Hi Jamie yes i often still find myself turning the waterworks on but we are allowed to as we have to release the grief and i to still include Tracy in chats i have through out the day with her, i still share with her the sunrises and sunsets that i see or little things throughout the day just as you are with Josie tears or no tears its normal we are allowed to. My two boys are 22 and 24 and seem to be coping but have always made sure to keep in touch, go out to tea each week or have them over  just so that we can all talk about things when needed, Tracy was always one to say we will need to stick together to get through this time and boy she was right. I always remind my boys that its alright to show emotions ,not to bottle it up, it is cool to let it out. By sounds of it Jamie Edward is finding his way to release his grief too, we all have to, even though my boys are 22 and 24 they still get a hug from me and an Are You Ok.  I keep in touch with family quite often and travel across to South Australia as much as i can just to have a break from it all and more than ever i am spending more time with my boys going on our motorbikes. Whats helped me through this is to keep moving forward through my dark times , talking on this forum and family and spending time with my boys, it has not been easy but i know Tracy would be happy looking down at us.       ... View more

I too struggled with the thought of when is it time to give up work to care for my wife with terminal cancer. I would often talk to her about it over her nearly three year battle but she would always say that i needed to be at work to have a break from it, she would always be thinking of others before herself even though she was living on borrowed time. However i always made sure we would travel or go for drives between treatments or times when she felt well so i can only be thankfull that we did the best we could with the circumstances at hand.  I can understand your pain, my wife lost her battle back in May this year, i am still dealling with her loss but  am comforted to know that we took every opportunity there was to  travel in the caravan  or just go away for the weekend.  ... View more

Hi Bob, good to hear from you again, i can fully understand the feelings of anger as i to would have feelings like that but talking to family about the whole situation did make me move on from anger to more grieving the loss and the loneliness. Its now  ten weeks from the day and even though i talk to her throughout the day and share with her the morning sunrises and sunsets i do seem to be  adjusting and accepting or coping with the loneliness better as i am allowing myself to do things without her without feeling guilty. The animals are a great distraction, i make time to go out and throw the ball for the dog when i get home from work as she absolutely loves the chase and the cat, an inside Rag-dole well she just grumpy all the time so no different but she likes the  mouse on the string for a while to so thats a routine i have daily. It sounds like the drawing Bob is going to be good for you as you can express how you feel in your drawings  and will hopefully provide you with an outlet to grieve, as i sit on my couch in the lounge room i can look across and see a picture of Tracy looking back at me, she is with me but in spirit, as each day goes bye its easier to  accept that. Eileen will be with you always in your drawings, and if that comforts you doing so well you just keep drawing Bob. lately i have felt as though i need to step back from work and take some time out but i just keep piling the work on, i had to travel today for three hours and was starting to get emotional at times so i guess its my mind telling me that its time, maybe i should listen to myself and actually do it.        ... View more

Hi Jamie I still replay events in my mind and ask why but i have to stop myself from entering into the mind games of what if i did this or that as hard as it is i have to tell myself there was nothing i could have done to change it, its still upsetting but thats how i deal with it,just as you replaying back is how you are dealing with it. As time has gone on for me it does get slightly easier to get through the day however having said that its always in my mind, just as Josie is always with you, but one things for sure its ok to start enjoying little things again without feeling guilty in some way, i keep reinforcing this each time i feel myself going down that dark road.  remember Jamie you are allowed to have  these thoughts and will have these memories as its your way that you are dealing with your loss. michael   ... View more

Hi Bob Are you okay  Its been a few days since you last spoke and i do hope your  finding ways to work your way through this time of grief, reach out if you need to just talk . michael ... View more

This time will always be hard as it was for me, dont feel you have to hurry things along, you do them when you are ready to do them Jamie, i still have Tracys clothes that she was wearing into the hospital sitting on her side of the bed exactly how i put them there the day i brought them home, even her slippers havent moved infact nothing has moved its all it was when she was here with me and it will stay like that until i feel its time. I have her ashes with her photo sitting by the front door on her special little table with couloured lighting, she loved her coulored lights and that will stay there until i feel its time to finally say goodbye. i have no rush it will happen in good time. It is okay to feel like that Jamie, its okay to show emotion, take it easy at work and slowly edge yourself back into it as you feel it will still be there tomorrow or the next. Going into my fourth week back i to still have my moments but i tell myself that i am allowed to feel this way and its totally alright to end up sobbing in a heap. Michael ... View more

Dont worry about how productive you will be you are dealing with a very traumatic time and you will do what you can. My day back was hard to deal with but it did me good too. I didnt think i would be ready to go back but i did and it was the best for me however you will find your way what is best for you Jamie. Take it easy on yourself Jamie your first day back is a momentous day , it was for me and i can understand the anxiety that comes with it. Let us know how it goes if you need to talk. michael ... View more