Being happy for others

[missy_moo]

Does anyone out there find it so hard to be happy for others when deep down us as cancer patients have to struggle with fear,mortality,reoccurance etc....? I as a breast cancer survivor (age of diagnosis 31) find it very difficult to come to terms with people so shallow,self absorbed,moving on with ther lives with plans such as having a family and not worrying and dealing with cancer all the time, while my life is in a TIME WARP.... Is this a normal feeling i am feeling? I just want to know anyone who feels this way or has felt this way at anytime? I just can't cope with people's pathetic behaviours and i don't put up with crap anymore like i used too, i have changed so much i am starting to scare myself and distancing myself with friends and family's who's lives are going so smoothly that i feel so angry, jealous, sad, frustrated with my life and asking myself how did this happen to me???

[Jules2]

Hi Missy moo ... sometimes i feel as you have described and its usually when i am struggling with something or stressed out. Most times i can find some sort of balance, just at times it is difficult to feel happy for others when things are not going so well for me. I dont put up with crap either and i think that means that we are going to win some new friends and sometimes lose old ones. Even some family are going to go by the wayside, although that is dependent on your relationship with them of course. The old "why me" is a hard one to answer. My answer to myself on that was "kids get cancer and dont even get to live to your age, so why not you?". What you are going through is normal and understandable and like with any phase that we go through with cancer its ok unless it goes on too long and then we need to get help to move on from it. Least thats my take. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon. I get glimpses of the old me and find that if i am with friends who actually listen to me and have a bit of genuine compassion then i feel a lot better and am also in turn able to feel more compassionate about their issues. We as humans tend to keep saying that same things over issues that we dont feel that people are hearing and therefore we get frustrated etc...

[samex]

Hi Missy moo, I originaly posted this in the creative writer's group but it may be of relevence here. I find that with some people I am less patient with the inconsequential nature of their problems, but on the flip side I often find that I am more patient with those who demonstrate compassion. Unfortunately my immediate family don't like talking about my cancer and I am going to see a professional (as soon as they all come back from holidays!) to try to sort out the recurring bouts of sadness that have been ocurring far too often lately. I used to feel that I was gonig crazy and that these feelings were just because of my self centredness - this site helped me to relaise that many of us experience similar reactions - we just deal with them differently. Perhaps Christmas isn't such a good time for the publication of this. But here goes anyway!I have been working on it for a while but it is still rough around the edges. It stems from the fact that I do often feel very isolated in my new view of the world and I am still struggling with my new normal as those around me still expect the old normal.At times while I am sitting listening to conversations I feel that I am not part of them or that they have no relevance to me anymore. Outside Looking In The new normal - What is it? How this concept has changed. There are times now when a barrier exists - Separating me from the rest. When the others continue with the trivial, the mundane, The whining and complainin, I often find that I watch, observe as from behind an invisible blur Wondering why it is so important to them? While I often partake in banter and conversation, I sometimes notice myself Looking on from another place, Still in the room but somewhere else. Is it that the perspective has altered? Or that the understanding is greater and no longer absorbed by the banal? Does the facing of our own mortality bring us a level of peace along with the fear – Thus excluding ourselves from the perceived triflings of others. Strangely, this isolation can also come with a sense of smugness- “I have been where I hope you never have to go- These insignificant details leave me unimpressed.” While participating in it, the conversation often leaves me unengaged. Ultimately it leaves me saddened and my mind wanders to what may come of my normality inside the bubble, Behind the barrier.

[Jules2]

Hiya samex Well captured once again! Christmas is as good a time as any to be posting about these sorts of things. Somehow our feelings just dont want to be turned off because we are supposedly not meant to feel that way. Thanks again for sharing. Julie

[Teacher_Mum]

Samex you continually express beautifully what others are feeling. Missy Moo I am in the same boat as you - you pick up a new level of awareness, of perception and dealing with others sometimes can become difficult as like Samex expressed, you are on the outside looking in. I get cross and impatient and don't suffer fools gladly. My tolerance levels too have changed - they are much much shorter and I find that my extended family would rather not know sometimes because its just too hard to talk about, to confront. I guess we are reassessing our new normal and thats ok, because our new normal has to be better 🙂

[willow]

Hi I know how you feel ......I unfortunately do feel jealous when looking at others going about their daily business and I think it too is unfair that this is happening to me ...but i also think that maybe they have problems and issues as well that they are dealing with and they are hiding their feelings. I agree we shouldn't have to deal with other people's crap and their unhelpful attitudes. Also your referring to being in a 'Time Warp' is often how I feel and I'm sure many others do to. I am feeling very lonely at times but am also distancing myself from others...I don't engage as readily in conversations and when my son invited my friend to dinner recently I actually felt angry with him as I didn't want to have to be entertaining - I just wanted to curl up on the couch alone. I have to make an effort to do just about anything social these days.......I can't advise you on how to feel differently but I can at least tell you that I have and do often feel the same way..... As people have said to me often since I was diagnosed.... 'Be Kind to Yourself' Best Wishes, Willow xo

[thaker]

Hi First off let me say that I acknowledge that I do not know what you have gone through not being a cancer sufferer myself and I mean no offence. I was a carer for my husband who passed away slightly over 5 weeks ago from an aggressive brain tumor. He was only diagnosed in Mar09. I'd like to just offer a little perspective. Just as you feel frustrated with the lot you have been givne to deal with I feel frustrated that there are others given more time to fight and live when we lost him after only a 9 month fight. So, who has the worse lot in life? Noone really because we all have our own burdens to bear and thats what you have to remind yourself because we dont get to see the scars people bear on the inside. In the first few weeks after hubby's death I kept saying to my counsellor that I felt like the whole experience has aged me and that outside my little bubble of me myself and I everyone seemed to have a "lighter" life filled with mundane issues. She then gave me a very good piece of advice. I probaly wont do her justice in my reinterpretation but basically she said that we alienate others by over emphasising or putting our own lives under the microscope. Life is to be lived, shared and enjoyed not over analysed. So, have a whinge when it all gets too much or too annoying but remember your grass patch looks greener from my side of the fence. Regards Sangeeta

[samex]

Sangeeta I think that you are on the mark. As sufferers, I sometimes think we become totally self absorbed (and understandably) as we are often fighting for our lives. But what we need to see is that ALL of us are suffereing in different ways and that we need to take life moment by moment and see where it takes us. I am guilty of the self absorption (hence the poem) but as I have seen too mnay good friends not make it and the suffering that their families endured ( and continue to endure)I hope that I am able to see some other perspectives. Thanks for the perspective Sangeeta, S

[missy_moo]

Thanks guys for your lovely advice and sharing your journeys with me too...much appreciated missy moo