This seems to be the narrative in recent years. I'm far from new from the cancer community. I have just gotten to a point where I need to either unload to random stranger who aren't my family and friends, or I'll explode. It's that simple. I just need to put thoughts down in word, because that's how I work and need to just do something I hope will be cathartic enough to get me through the rest of this bullshit. This is a super long post so please skip if that's not your style - this is more for me than anything else.
I'm 29 years old. I'm was recently appointed Head of Department for Social Science at a local high school. In years long ago I had 2 grandfathers, and one grandmother die of cancer. 12 Years ago I watched my close grandmother die of bowel cancer while living with my family (mum, dad, me).
10.5 Years ago I met the love of my life (we're getting married finally next April - he waited for 'all to be well' but it never seemed to be the right time) but then...
6 years ago I had stage 1 bladder cancer at 23 years old but then... 5 years ago my close aunt (my dad's twin) got diagnosed with stage IV melanoma that spread to the brain, and died within 8 months but then...[you get the picture, I won't repeat that]
4 years ago my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer - cue 2 months of panic. It was a misdiagnosis. He has a history of melanoma himself so we were all worried.
1 year ago dad had a number of assumed melanomas cut out.
8 months ago I finally got engaged and set a 2020 date.
4 months ago dad was diagnosed with Stave IV Merkel cell cancer.
2 months ago he started Avelumab and at a recent scan actually showed significant shrinking of tumors in his lymph nodes and spine. Last week dad was admitted to hospital because of a chest infection - not pneumonia - and they don't know what the hell it is. He is spritely, and acting 100% himself - no coughing up of gunk and his breathing test was at 92%...they just don't know what. If they can't find out soon they want to pause his treatment...that is working...on stage IV cancer.
In the meantime I broke my ankle and find it hard to travel in to see him in hospital, and will be pretty immobile for at least another two weeks, and am struggling to maintain my calm at work while I stress about real life issues (my philosophy is that I work to live, not live to work - so please don't think here I'm putting my work above my family).
The balance is hard keeping a strong face at work when I need to lead 35 other teachers under me. I need to be the problem solver, strong. Even in my family I need to be this person. Dad is getting a test tomorrow (local, down the throat into the lungs to see what is going on). No results for 3 days following. I know people have it far worse, I know that. I know my story is among thousands with families or even on their own, going through nightmares either with the disease or with their families. Cancer sucks.
I just needed to share because if I don't, I'm going to go crazy. I just can't believe I can't shake my life of it - and I know so many are in this situation. It just...sucks. Sometimes these days I feel like I can't even breathe properly. If you read this long thank you. I needed this and thank you. I just needed a virtual ear - thank you. I'm going to implode or explode otherwise.
