HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

[hestas]

Sorry I took so long to answer. My husband hasn’t had any steroids. He had the surgery in early December and stayed in the hospital for 10 days. He refused any nursing care at home ( our insurance would cover it ) and everything fell on me. We were in the emergency room every day the first four days home for issues that came up basically because he refused to follow the at home care orders. His anger is the reason because when I tried to remind him what medications to take, he didn’t listen. I was hoping one of the ER doctors would admit him, but he made it really clear he didn’t want that. He is recovering very well now and all follow up appointments have him healing as best as can be expected. Since he was originally on a feeding tube and now all liquids, he really got upset when I ate (not sure why). So, I have lost 25 lbs from having to just grab a quick snack whenever I could. I had my physical last week and my doctor was alarmed with my weight loss (I was not overweight to begin with). My doctor questioned me a lot, but I was too afraid to share the truth. He did set up an appointment with a nutritionist for me this week, so I can gain back the weight before my own health suffers. I am worried how my husband is going to react, so I haven’t told him yet. I have learned that if I only spend as much time as needed with my husband, things are better - I guess he prefers solitude over my companionship 😢 I pray every day that things will change because I want a loving relationship again with him. 

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Hestas,

   I’m glad to finally hear back from you.  I hope things are getting better for you and your husband.  I totally hear you when you say you feel invisible.  I feel this all the time.  Don’t get me wrong when he is scared and needs me, of course I’m there.  But most of the time I just feel like a robot and invisible.  I can do so much good things and get nothing in return for the care and love I give.  I’m running on empty.  I am just asking myself tonight why am I staying, when I feel so down, sad, emotionally Amess.  When I’m not feeling any love.  I’m so heart broken.  My heart totally goes out to you.  But know that you have to be an amazing woman to stay and care for your husband.  You do this out of love for him.  Have you tried talking to him?  I have tried and I get him to be nice and then he goes back to him again.  It sucks...Cancer sucks...we don’t even know what our old life looked like before this.  Well I can’t remember.  I can remember smiles and laughter vaguely.  I am sending you a great big hug.  I hope you start getting the love and affection you deserve.  Tell him you don’t want any regrets and that you deserve a loving husband, because you are there being a loving caring wife.  If you cry does he even show he cares?  Does it bother him you cry.  It doesn’t even faze my husband.  Well again I hope to hear back from you bc venting is good, and you will see your not alone...we are all hurting emotionally and not getting the damn love and respect we deserve...I don’t need a thank you.  But I sure in hell deserve to be treated better than an A-hole friend, who lives their life and I’m here 24/7...hugs to you please keep in touch, it helps the heart and mind to vent and like I said you are not alone...xo

[Patches]

After everything I have been doing to help and support my husband including verbally struggling with dr to discharge him straight to home today my husband for no reason yelled at me to get out of his room, go home and not to come back until the day he is discharged.  He was no nasty in his tone, it hurt hearing the words.  I was sitting on a chair beside his bed so I pushed the chair away from the bed but just sat there for awhile waiting to see what was going to happen next.  Staff came in and asked him about a drink, he was quite pleasant and asked for coffee.  Not long after the staff member left his room he once again told me to leave which I did.  Originally I was thinking that I would give him tomorrow to himself but am going to have to go to see him as I have all his clean PJ’s plus his elderly dad wants me to take him in to see my husband tomorrow.  I will go in tomorrow even though part of me doesn’t want to.  

[Traci-Renee]

Patches, I am sending you my prayers and a great big hug!  I’m so sorry, he is being like this with you.  You are an absolute amazing wife.  ❤️

[EM74]

Hi Everyone. I am feeling at a loss at the moment. I feel like I am in the same boat as many of you. My partner has terminal metastic lung cancer. We are just over 2 years in and I feel like everything I do lately just pisses him off and he is always wanting to leave. Says he is going to but then doesn't. I don't know what to do. He seems quite irrational when I try to talk to him and when I get emotional we just end up in an argument. My heart is breaking on a daily basis. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for him but I don't think I can take much more. 

[Traci-Renee]

Hi EM74,

I’m so sorry you are going thru this.  I have been thru the same with my husband.  It breaks my heart, he makes me feel like I’m not wanted or needed.  As I assume this is how you are feeling.  Please know I feel your pain.  There are days I could just run.  He treats others better than me.  It is much better, now that he is off the steroids, but I can still feel so unneeded or wanted.  He has made comments that his friends care.  Well I am here 24/7 so I guess I don’t.  I cry all the time.  I just want a hug and kiss and tell me he needs and wants me more than anyone, but I’m not gonna hold my breath.  Stay strong and know we are here for you.  Stay strong and know that they are only mean and irritated with us because they are scared and know we won’t leave them bc our love is so strong.  I have to remind myself of this every day about twenty times a day after a good cry.  ❤️

[hestas]

My husband also tells everyone that his friends are his support, never mentioning me. I have been through everything with him, never once leaving his side. Yet, if a friend  calls or visits he will post on social media how they are helping him so much to get through his cancer battle. I have had friends from out of our area actually message me that they are wondering if I have been with him - since he never mentions me. This really hurts. Of course I cover my hurt and assure them I have always been with him and he just forgets to mention me. We both lost our first spouses to illnesses after long marriages. So, we have only been married 5 years and are in our 60’s. You never want to compare spouses in a second marriage, but my first husband was not like this at all. I am beginning to lose hope...

[Traci-Renee]

Hestas,  I am so sorry you are going thru this twice.   My heart breaks for you.  My heart breaks for everyone, even myself and my kids.  I hope you tell him how this makes you feel.  He needs to be told, bc your feelings matter to.  If it wasn’t for you, who would honestly be there to take care of him.  You are amazing and he is very lucky to have you.   Sending you a great big hug!  Xo

[kymmy1001]

I am having similar issues. I am taking care of my ex husband, he has stage 4 metastatic lung cancer, and he's so irritable, I joined this group to see if anyone else is experiencing this. He tries to start an argument with me, he thinks his oncologist is incompetent, his oncologist suggested hospice, and he refuses hospice or any other kind of help. So I am taking care of him by myself with no support. There is no cure for him because his cancer is so advanced but he stays in complete denial

[Traci-Renee]

Hi kymmy1001, 

I joined also bc my husband has been diagnosed with appendix cancer that has metastasized.  BUT my sister in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer at age 55.  They first found it in her brain with a tumor, then they found more tumors. They then thought colon, breast, lung.  That’s when she told them she smoked. They went right for the lung and there it was.  She had Small lung cell Adenocarcinoma.  They gave her 6 months tops . She was diagnosed June 3rd 2013 and passed away August 31 2014.( 9 days before her 56th birthday)   She knew nothing and didn’t want to know.  The dr’s told my other sister in-law everything.  My husband is also 55 and they both got diagnosed at age 55 and the month of June.  Her June 3rd and Him June 18th...both fell on a relatives birthday.  Hers on my nieces birthday and his on her sons birthday.  So three things in common and weirdly so.  Is he on steroids bc the steroids made my husband very mean and wanting to look at everything I did as wrong.  Once I talked to the dr’s they started taking his steroids away.  Other than treatment and he was so much better.  I would tell the dr’s I did and I cried.  You don’t deserve to be beaten down, it’s hurtful when you obviously love him, if you didn’t you wouldn’t be taking this on.  But I would speak to the dr’s bc if it isn’t the steroids the cancer could have spread to the brain or somewhere.  You are an angel. God bless and if you need to talk Kymmy1001, please know I am here.  Sending you a great big hug.  ❤️ Traci-Rene’e