Hi @Juleforti ,
Your hubby is understandably angry at having cancer, but he has no right to be angry with or at you. Is he on any chemo? Some people get angry as a side effect from the chemo they're on, which could be the case with your hubby. Try researching the side effects of his particular chemo. If so, you could ask his onc to reduce the dosage, if possible. Some people just become bitter because it's them with the cancer - why is it them & not someone else? So they lash out at the people/person(s) they love. Make him aware he's doing it - he may not actually realise that he's being angry. Tell him to stop, he has no right to take it out on you. Suggest counselling for him - it wouldn't hurt you to have some either. Talking is one of the best ways of dealing with cancer & the effects it has on everyone around you.
I hope things improve for you. Take care.
Hi Juleforti, couple of months after his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer my late husband used to get quite angry at times. Over time he took more and more of his anger out on me. Nurses in oncology wards were great and explained that a lot of cancer patients get anger for lots of different reasons. Side effects of chemo can cause these reactions as Budgie mentioned. Feelings of not being in control of the situation and feeling scared were 2 reasons my late husband used to get angry.
Having some one independent to talk to can be very helpful and quite often is provided for patient plus family members.
hoping all goes well
I just read your post and I’m going through the same thing with my husband. He has Stage 4 Lymphoma that is in his brain, liver and spleen. He had brain surgery to remove a large tumor and he still has a smaller one being treated with radiation. He came through brain surgery with no major deficits. He’s so angry that he’s borderline abusive. I can’t do anything right. I’m trying to work my full-time job because I carry the health insurance through my employer and also take care of the house, yard, chauffeuring him to/from appts, manage and make all the appointments, talk to the doctors and keep track and administer meds. I wake up at 5:00 am and go non-stop until about 8:00 - 9:00 pm. His diagnosis was June 10, 2021 and he’s done nothing but push me away and won’t allow me to ask for help from any friend or family member. I feel like he hates me because I didn’t get cancer but he did so I’m being punished. It’s been very difficult to keep my mouth shut and allow the treatment so what I say doesn’t trigger an outburst. He’s not started chemo yet, just radiation so this anger is not induced by treatment. I’m mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted some days and we haven’t even begun the worst part of treatment.
Thanks for your reply I can relate to everything you're going through along with three kids who are no help in the mix. It seems like a no win situation for everyone, I find myself being resentful for all I do and if I try and talk about my fears of how I'm scared of losing him and how I will manage financially he gets angry and calls me a traitor and goes on about how I will just forget him and move onto someone new. It's very hurtful and he also doesn't like me to talk about it to my friends and he won't seek help. I know he's scared and feels ripped off but we all are. Hope things improve for you and me. Thanks for reaching out. Jule
It really is a no win situation for everyone. I take things a day at a time. If I tell him “I’m trying to do the best I can”, it triggers an outburst so I have taken the word “try” out of my vocabulary. He says when I use those words I’m making the situation all about me. Hang in there!
Hi @Susan61 ,
You said it's been difficult to keep your mouth shut - well perhaps it's time you didn't. He probably is very jealous that he has cancer & you don't. But it's not your fault & he has no right to take it out on you, maybe you should stop walking on eggshells & tell him how it is. He needs to get over his self pity & get on with living. If he put his energy into getting better rather than abusing you, he'd have half the battle won. Stage 4 isn't necessarily a death sentence, & attitude plays a major part in your recovery. Lay down the facts for him, & suggest counselling because it really can help. He has to take the first steps tho, & stop blaming you for his illness.
All the best to you
Be part of this supportive community