I’m so sorry you’re going through this, too, and can totally understand and relate to not feeling appreciated or not being able to do anything right. I remember taking care of my mom when she had terminal pancreatic cancer and she was so graceful and cared more about her family than she did herself. Not my husband. He has no concern about my mental or physical health at all.
I’ve followed the advice from others here and that of my friends and decided enough is enough. I don’t deserve to be treated like garbage when I am putting every ounce of my heart, soul and LOVE in helping him get better. You don’t deserve to be treated the way you’ve been treated.
Yesterday I was told I haven’t done sh*t around the house for 25 years which is absolutely ludicrous. Since he’s had brain surgery/radiation, he’s not steady enough to drive so I take him to every single appointment no matter what time of day it is. I take notes and ask all the questions. I do everything. He doesn’t even know the name of his oncologist. This is how much he depends on me to coordinate everything as if he’s a rock star and all he has to do is show up. Last week we had 5 appointments. My work schedule is constantly being interrupted and some days I’m working extra hours to keep on top of things. Luckily, I got approval to work from home until September so I can make up the time if I need to. My husband won’t let me get help either so I’ve been doing yard work in a very hot climate and it’s been 100-115 degrees here. (I’m in the US). He told me since he’s suffering then I also must suffer. My neighbors are horrified at my being out there and they have offered to help me which I’ve had to turn down. However, yesterday I saw a landscaping truck out yesterday so I approached them and got a card. I’m going to arrange for help whether my husband likes it or not. I bring a good income in from my job and have every right to decide what I can spend our money on. This is not 1950 and he certainly does not get to have financial control.
Finally, yesterday, after making the comment about me not doing anything for 25 years I told him I’d had it with the mean and hateful comments and that this cancer is going to take our marriage if it continues. I told him if he has someone else lined up that can do a better job than what I’m doing, please let me know now and I’ll step aside. The truth is, he has 4 adult children that live here and they’re not knocking down the door to help. I’ve given this man plenty of opportunity to apologize or retract everything nasty and disrespectful he has said to me but he hasn’t and doesn’t plan to. The cancer diagnosis was devastating enough but to have a husband that wished I had cancer instead was like a stab through my heart. When I look at him all I see is someone who wouldn’t be sad if I died and I have to wonder, when treatment is over, will I even be able to stay married to him. It’s such an awful feeling.
Just take each day as it comes but please do not let your husband torture you any longer. You did not give him cancer. He may be the one with it in his body but we, as wives, are deeply affected, too, just in a different way. For our husbands not to see past themselves and offer one iota of appreciation is unacceptable. Please don’t put up with it any longer. Speak up for yourself. Giving you hugs from across the miles. Susan
