Hi smartyalligator!
I hear you.....a new normal can be okay for a while and then something will take you back to the pain and loss...... I don't really think of myself as a widow...I can't define myself in such a sad way. I am still a mum, a daughter, a friend, a teacher.....I was once a wife, but for now am not. I took a radical step a year after my husband died, I moved myself and my two kids to the Northern Territory from Northern NSW. It has been a real eye opener and an experience that has made me realise how lucky I truly am, loss or no loss. It is a 'pattern interrupted' experience. My kids have enjoyed the opportunities that living here have given us, weekends in Kakadu, seeing some of this great country, sunsets that go for miles, crocs everywhere. It has been tough, I am teaching in a remote school and the kids have been challenging at best. We are here for a year long stint and it has gone a long way to helping me heal...and hopefully my kids too. We will never forget their dad, he was an awesome person and my very best friend. But we have made new memories and have looked for him in the majestic night sky with millions of stars that we just don't see in the city. Some days I am still on auto pilot, and some days I let myself go and let my mind wander.....even do the 'what if' , what if cancer had never touched my family? Where would we be now? Would we be having such amazing experiences? It's made me realise that I need to accept what I can not change and have the courage to continue on this journey called life! Hope you are okay! Sending positivity your way!! PA