Had cancer, got no friends.

[sarah]

Hi SILLY and welcome, your post fully expresses the two-ing and frow-ing of the mind that cannot be objective about the situation, and, which is, part of the torment - it's not just physical. In fact, as we all know here, the physical stuff is the easiest. For eg, someone does something nice, you wonder if they are doing because they feel sorry for you, if you question it though, you might be labeled ungrateful or something else. But it is nothing of the sort, it really and genuinely is a question about how people see you now - because you truly don't know anymore, (about anything!), and no one seems to be very honest with you. [How many times was I labeled as feeling sorry for myself because I uttered the question "why did this happen to me?". The question was a genuine enquiry into my circumstances that I may take the necessary steps to take responsibility - at all of 21!! People so quick... it's actually a "condition", it's called victimising the victim] "It is confusing when thinking about where I stand with some people sometimes. At least many just act as though nothing has changed.Some don't like to ask how things are because it's uncomfortable,others feel they are prying. Sometimes the answers I've given made people uncomfortable ,sometimes I've given the impression all is ok." It so sums it up. While everyone is getting on with their lives, you are double guessing and questioning everything. It's like living in a fog. I guess it's part of the trauma, kind of detached from everyone. I felt like I was living in a television, for everyone to watch, and secretly amongst themselves place bets on my chances. No one really wanted to connect with me. It was actually something that was happening in their lives. So friggin funny.. My parents didn't visit me in hospital, and my dad I saw never. I remember going to a mechanic who know him who told me that he had heard about my cancer, and that it's really hard on my dad. My dad had been in, sucking up all the sympathy, yet I didn't see him once! Weird, weird stuff... I am an only child, I imagine sometimes that it would be easier if I had siblings, but then your story here SILLY is not really all that unusual. Brothers and sisters can be very unkind to each other. I think it's about deciding whether you are human, or whether you are an animal. Somehow people are still stuck in a time when it was about survival of the fittest (of the body). That though is the world of animals, humans have souls, and it is that awareness that makes us evolved.

[T.J]

Sarah, I cant put into words how I feel right now, I've never cried like this before, almost a release. I am angry, I do feel alone and completely lost. Im realizing I've been so busy surviving and raising my kids, that I really haven't had time to process. I'm only righting this to let you know I've read your post, its hit home with me, I'm extremely grateful for your empathy and honesty. I'll get back to you all properly when Ive had time to stabilize my emotions (my hands are shaking and I can see the keys threw my tears right now). Thank you, thank you, thank you ssoooooooooo much guys......

[sarah]

Hey TJ, we all been there honey. Got me crying now too.. Let it all out, grieving is very healthy.

[sarah]

... oh and, cancer is enough to make anyone angry. I found I was unable to express any anger without feeling like people were pointing saying "there, she's angry, that's why she has this". So many wanted to diagnose me rather than just be there.

[AmandaC]

TJ – I apologies for not replying sooner, its school holidays and I have all 3 kids (as you would well know) it’s a constant juggle and I get no computer time. Our kids are 5, 2 and 4 weeks old. I agree we don’t have to be ashamed of our scar it’s a battle wound. Its amazing we cancer survivors get treated so badly. People treated me like they could catch it and some treated me as if I must have been a bad person and deserved it. My pet hate is when people say “its gods will” I swear if I had herd that one more time I would have stuck a blunt object in someone’s eye…LOL! There are a lot of studies being done and books being written about the links between childhood trauma and disease. A friend I have met on this journey wrote a great book called “goodbye mummy” and its about her childhood and her later discovery that her childhood trauma could infact be linked with her disease, I cried the whole way through thinking I could really relate to her. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mum and brother and that you spent your life in the system. Your Dad sounds like he can’t take care of himself let alone anyone else, my mum is very similar. I came form a single parent family and when I was sick she was no where to be found, anytime I saw her she would crap on about how she has had a hard time looking for work lately (she moved to the blue mountains, of course its hard it small). The rest of my extended family dumped me and still do not talk to me and justify it to themselves in whatever way self absorbed people do. I had just had my first baby at the time and he really gave me focus all I kept thinking is this little guy needs his mum and I am going to make sure his life is amazing. We had been trying to have another bubba when we found out Steve had cancer, so when his chemo finished we did IVF and along came our 2nd son I think he really helped both of us in the healing process. Lastly our 3rd son was the baby we were never ment to have, we were told we could never have another baby naturally again a month later I found out I was pregnant. I guess what I am trying to say is our children really are a great distraction and in our darkest times our drive to keep moving forward. I feel so incredibly sad hearing that your partner left and that you have 3 beautiful children at home wondering what mummy is up to. As a mummy myself I can’t imagine leaving my children ever, we can leave partners but children are forever. It really does say more about who she is and how incredibly strong and amazing you are. You deserve to start your new life for both you and the kids, you don’t need toxicity in your life. This is it, today is a new day and each day only gets better and better. SILLY I am sorry to hear your family were not supportive, especially when there is so many siblings you would expect at least one of them to pull their socks up. I go to the point where I didn’t care if I made people uncomfortable, I would be very blunt about where I was at. But it was always really hard work juggle who was who and where each of them was at with my illness I became reclusive in the end. Sarah Thankyou for sharing your story and I to have explored (a lot) the idea of childhood trauma contributing to disease. There are studies being done, infact my husband and I participated in one not long ago. I agree people misconstrue the idea of trauma contributing to be “ANGER” really its not about anger at all. In saying that I do hold a lot of anger towards my family for all the wrong doing this started at the age of 4yo…well form my recollections. I was much more scared and alone as a helpless child in a very abusive environment than I was through the cancer journey. I have done a lot of work and seen a psychologist to help me work through the anger and issues. Your post was incredibly profound it really hit the nail on the head. It is amazing we live in this world where its all about stuff and appearances, we constantly find new ways to exclude others or rate our selves higher than others. Our self cherishing has become so sociably acceptable that we can justify being awful to the sick and those in need of our understanding. You are so right about people being completely disconnected and relationships are only skin deep, how incredibly sad they wander through life without a sense of really sharing life with someone. Well I am off to lye down, the bubba has been up most of the night and I am exhausted. XX to all

[SILLY]

I had previously commented on this topic.I had mentioned how some of my siblings had not even spoken to me since they were told I had cancer , some only once. I wanted to add that four of them often ring me often and/or send me messages on Facebook. I have 2 brothers and 9 sisters. One has an excuse for not ringing as she is deaf,but she could write. I don't feel I should be the one to initiate contacts. Two friends who live in a different state are in constant contact. My main point is you certainly find out where you stand with some people and with some it changes and it's difficult to know where you stand . I admit that I am surprised and disappointed that I have not had a real conversation with some of my siblings about my cancer . I would not have neglected to show any of them that I cared if it had been one of them. I hope that if anyone else in my family gets cancer or any serious illness I will be able to support them.It has been 13 months since they were informed. It's not so much that I need some of them ,but it would be feel good to know they cared.

[maddie86]

i agree.. i know as a carer i have lost so many friends because im unable to go out like i used to.. looking after my partner has made me so tired and emotional that i feel there are more important things in life than stressing over what shoes go with what bag... i guess people will never understand unless they go through it themselves..

[margro]

Wow guys,,,,I started this in 2009,can't believe we're still going!! I am a survivor..5.5yrs,but I still worry it might come back!! My family don't understand..I had 9hr surgery for stge3 pancreatic cancer,,but I'm sure(and it has been confirmed)that everyone thinks it was like having a mole cut off.Maybe we should vent more when we're diagnosed instead of bottling it up so as not to upset family and friends

[SILLY]

I agree with Sarah,I think it was , when she said that some people see us as genetically weaker .Others think that somehow it's our own fault because we didn't eat properly or exercise enough or were angry or unforgiving. From what I've learned to get cancer a combination of factors are usually present but that does not even mean that you will get it ,even if you have all the risk factors. My cancer has not been linked to any so far. It is adenoid cystic carcinoma and it is very rare. Someone also said others sometimes think it is like getting a mole cut off so after surgery and some recovery time they think we are ok.I'll bet many of my friends and family don't know that my cancer has high recurrency rates and that it usually will metastesise to the lungs. They wouldn't all know that you are never considered clear and need follow -ups for the rest of your life.I haven't ,of course ,told them everything I know.It's not everything that you share with everyone.Some don't ask anything and that is a bit hurtful.

[SILLY]

It was Margo who made that wise comment that I referred to above.