It’s not easy trying to escape the old me. I want to, desperately. How do you change when all you feel is pain, mentally and physically, so tired all the time it’s makes me cry. Life is very short, I should be happy I’m still here, living in the bonus round. But for months now all I feel is scared, lost, vulnerable. Like something really bad is going to happen, it’s effecting ever part of me. I wish I had a hobby I could lose myself in, but I’m afraid to enjoy life because my mind and body are on high alert mode, I can only relax when everything is okay, and nothing is okay. I want to quit my job, I want to live where the sun shines, I want to relax in front of a crystal clear beach, feel the warm sand through my toes. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. How do you create happiness? It all just seems fake. Sometimes I wish the cancer ended me, it’s a stupid thing to say, but my life is horrible. Something in my head is malfunctioning, antidepressant don’t help, counselling doesn’t help, exercising eating healthy socialising are distractions, and nothing more. I’m afraid to look to deeply within myself and afraid not to. Conflicted. I will figure this out, somehow, I have to. I’ve gotten to far in life just to give up. Sorry about all the nonsense, it helps some to get these thoughts of my chest. Sunday morning, not much sleep, cold rainy day. And time keeps ticking by… ... View more

Only those going through chemo know the real struggle and pain and misery of it all. It will get better, it sucks going through it. For me, I got really angry and pissed off with it all, at my lowest point I just said fuck it, it is what it is. I will get better or die. Facing that fear and giving it the middle finger helped me. You just have to find yours. Don’t give up. You are not alone. Going through all the emotions of it all suck, especially for men. Cry if you have to, it’s a healthy release. You are a beast, you break the cancer, it doesn’t break you. ... View more

All the daily jobs seem kinda pointless after cancer. Irrelevant and meaningless, I keep things tide out of habit rather than wanting. It is a good distraction. I don’t take many photos, never really have. I just wish I could get that spark of life back, not be afraid and fragile. Maybe I’m just over thinking, need to suck it up and be a man. Everybody else around me is moving forward, laughing, having good times and making great memories, and I’m just that anti social loser who had cancer, a passing comment in their easy conversation. Trying to maintain a conversation with some one is difficult, especially when your so tired and can’t shut of the noise in your head, what comes out of my mouth doesn’t match what my mind is thinking. The cancer has put a big spotlight on how horrible my life is, I need to change, but I don’t know how, and I’m afraid to do do so. ... View more

Trying to stay positive when your whole world is falling down is not easy. What do you do when life breaks you? Good days, bad days. I just want to let go of the fear and anxiety that builds up inside me the moment I wake up. I know it’s my problem, effecting my energy and mental state. I get glimpses of the old me during the day, it last for 30 seconds, than vanishes. Why does life’s challenges fuck me up so much now, I used to be able to face all obstacles with no fear and no regret. I’m just scared all the time. I hate bills, I hate money, I hate working, I hate cancer. Why is it that some people live perfect beautiful lifes, born into wealth, good looks, good health no problems and other have to struggle for ever? It’s not fair. I want to be free of everything, sleep is my only escape. Well, that’s my rant for the day, of to work I go. And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow…  ... View more

So, Sunday morning. The sun is out and today is okay. Went for a long casual walk to clear my head and it worked. Still feel tired and sore but better. Almost feel like the old me, almost. I just need to capitalise on the good days, know that their is some hope and relief after all this chaos. I’m reading more, about 2 books a week, less video games and tv. Cleaning more and preparing for my day/week. Throwing away unwanted stuff I no longer use, it feels great to do so. Stuff I own tends to own me. I’m just ranting, emptying my head of unwanted information, that helps too. I try not to rush when going about my day, slow steady pace wins the race and letting go of things that are out of my control, which is hard, but I’m trying and learning. It’s okay to be lost, scared, angry. anxious. It means I’m alive, the cancer didn’t kill me and I get to see another day. Your a long time dead, so make the best of a bad situation my fellow warriors. I am proud of everyone of you.   ... View more

Thanks Miranda, I’ve tried antidepressants, talking to doctors, cancer caregivers ect. None of those things work, my brain is hard wired to be independent so it’s hard relying on others for help. I will get through this, sharing my story and daily struggles help. I guess I’ve not had a proper break from it all. 2 and half weeks after my surgery I was back at work, Looking back that was stupid. The doctor told to have 3 months rest, again that’s my old self being stubborn. Same with chemo, worked non stop throughout it all. I must be burnt out, it’s hard to stop my old ways, 29 years of solid work has made me a robot. Again I will keep moving forward, although I feel like I’m falling behind. ... View more

If I could just get over the physical pain and lack of energy I know the clouds in my head will clear. Your right about the exercise, it’s a temporary fix, cold showers help. Everyone around me has moved on but I feel like I’m still trapped in the cancer whirlwind. Am I just being a bitch, moaning all the time. At work it’s like it never happened, and they expect me to be 100 percent efficient which is impossible, I can barely get out of bed in the morning and when I get home from work I crawl on the floor in pain. I just don’t know anymore. But I am still fighting, I still get out of bed, go to work, take care of things. The old me won’t give up. When it gets to much I find a quiet spot by myself and raise my middle fingers in the air and scream fuck off. That’s my therapy for the day, it helps. ... View more

I’m really struggling with life. Having no motivation and energy all the time is eating away who I used to be. It’s Sunday morning, tried to sleep in, but my body clock won’t let me. Im in so much pain, back, knees, shoulders, wrists. Everything hurts, I tried to play with the kids yesterday, and all I remember is being a grumpy bastard. It’s no fair on them. And the next day I promise myself I’ll do better, but I keep falling into that same trap. When they grow up all they’ll remember is me being not happy. I can’t see it getting any easier, every week I feel less strong, more tired. Fuck me. I’m a man, I should be strong not matter what. First thing when I woke up I had a little cry. What the fuck is that about? Men don’t cry! It just came out, I had no control over it. Well whatever. I’m going to have a shower, look over my dogs grave, let my other dog outside, then crawl back into bed and read. No wonder I’m going crazy, I have no hobbies, no friends, no life. Work, sleep, rest, work, sleep, rest… almost 30 years doing the same thing over and over again. It’s my own fault, I played it safe, didn’t take risks and now I’m a grump, unhappy, tired, broken human. My best years are behind me, I’ll never know success, happiness, love, freedom. Suck it up princess and be a man. Life is pain, dying is easy. ... View more

Dealing with life afterwards it tough. I wish I could tell you the secret magic way to forget the past and move forward without that fear constantly pushing you down. For me it’s a constant struggle, for others it’s easy. The days when I feel okay are when I don’t care about anything, but I do not want to live that way because theirs is no joy. Yet when I open myself up, try to be the old me I feel suicidal. It’s a messed up way to live. I guess it’s all about just not giving up, getting through one day at a time. Sorry for the negative feed back, I think it important to be open and honest about these things. ... View more

I started anti depressant tablets, they don’t do anything. I’m trying to exercise more and eat healthy. I know I’ll get through it, just being in that mindset now sucks. Thank you for your support. I will not give up… ... View more