Sorry about my bitching and moaning and sorry me attitude. It helps to get it of my chest, lifts that weight just a little bit. I know it all comes down to fatigue, I’m getting older and have to accept that. Cancer aside, I have to change, it’s scary but I will try. Work is difficult, bills are difficult, dealing with problems I don’t want to is difficult. That’s life, I can’t look back when I’m old and grey, if I live that long, and have nothing but unhappy memories. I guess I feel horrible all the time is because my mind body soul are warning me I need to change, be better. If I feel this bad now and don’t change, what’s it going to be like in 5 years time. Never give up, never surrender, I am a survivor. ... View more

So, another day. Went to bed early, actually got to sleep very quickly but then woke up 130am wide awake, worried and scared, usual stuff. So I just stayed in bed, closed my eyes until 430 then got up. Another horrible night with little sleep. I’ve got no energy, my mind can’t handle simple mundane tasks like making breakfast and the day hasn’t even started yet. When is this going to end. I’m still going to drag my sorry self to work and get it done. I broke down last night talking to my dad, told him Im just keeping it together. I was crying when I got out of bed, my legs feel so heavy, my mind is foggy, my shoulders feel crushed. Fuck me. Its going to be okay, my boss is passive aggressive all the time, work mates annoy me all the time, driving to work sucks, driving home scares me. I have no sanctuary any more, home used to be safe, now I just feel lost when home. Maybe I won’t wake up tomorrow, why do I have to think like that. If there  is a god, please save me… I will not give up, no matter how hard it gets.  ... View more

Monday morning and still so very tired. Slept all day yesterday and have no motivation today. On my second cup of coffee, it helps but not really. I’ll go to work today and do my best, than come home, have a shower, eat dinner, play with my dog then go to bed early. It’s all I have left to offer  this world. I just want this to be all over. I want and need to be happy. I’ve become that grumpy sad looking old man, I get the shakes and cry in the dark where nobody can see me. When I went to bed last night I dreamed about not waking up, and that gave me hope. When I woke up I was sad and had a little cry. How fucked up is that. I just want somebody to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I don’t have a partner or any friends, which was okay before I got sick, but now I just want someone to look after me. I don’t know what to do, my body and mind are failing, the old me is trying hard to break through and losing. It will be okay, it has to be, doesn’t it… ... View more

It’s not easy trying to escape the old me. I want to, desperately. How do you change when all you feel is pain, mentally and physically, so tired all the time it’s makes me cry. Life is very short, I should be happy I’m still here, living in the bonus round. But for months now all I feel is scared, lost, vulnerable. Like something really bad is going to happen, it’s effecting ever part of me. I wish I had a hobby I could lose myself in, but I’m afraid to enjoy life because my mind and body are on high alert mode, I can only relax when everything is okay, and nothing is okay. I want to quit my job, I want to live where the sun shines, I want to relax in front of a crystal clear beach, feel the warm sand through my toes. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. How do you create happiness? It all just seems fake. Sometimes I wish the cancer ended me, it’s a stupid thing to say, but my life is horrible. Something in my head is malfunctioning, antidepressant don’t help, counselling doesn’t help, exercising eating healthy socialising are distractions, and nothing more. I’m afraid to look to deeply within myself and afraid not to. Conflicted. I will figure this out, somehow, I have to. I’ve gotten to far in life just to give up. Sorry about all the nonsense, it helps some to get these thoughts of my chest. Sunday morning, not much sleep, cold rainy day. And time keeps ticking by… ... View more

Only those going through chemo know the real struggle and pain and misery of it all. It will get better, it sucks going through it. For me, I got really angry and pissed off with it all, at my lowest point I just said fuck it, it is what it is. I will get better or die. Facing that fear and giving it the middle finger helped me. You just have to find yours. Don’t give up. You are not alone. Going through all the emotions of it all suck, especially for men. Cry if you have to, it’s a healthy release. You are a beast, you break the cancer, it doesn’t break you. ... View more

All the daily jobs seem kinda pointless after cancer. Irrelevant and meaningless, I keep things tide out of habit rather than wanting. It is a good distraction. I don’t take many photos, never really have. I just wish I could get that spark of life back, not be afraid and fragile. Maybe I’m just over thinking, need to suck it up and be a man. Everybody else around me is moving forward, laughing, having good times and making great memories, and I’m just that anti social loser who had cancer, a passing comment in their easy conversation. Trying to maintain a conversation with some one is difficult, especially when your so tired and can’t shut of the noise in your head, what comes out of my mouth doesn’t match what my mind is thinking. The cancer has put a big spotlight on how horrible my life is, I need to change, but I don’t know how, and I’m afraid to do do so. ... View more

Trying to stay positive when your whole world is falling down is not easy. What do you do when life breaks you? Good days, bad days. I just want to let go of the fear and anxiety that builds up inside me the moment I wake up. I know it’s my problem, effecting my energy and mental state. I get glimpses of the old me during the day, it last for 30 seconds, than vanishes. Why does life’s challenges fuck me up so much now, I used to be able to face all obstacles with no fear and no regret. I’m just scared all the time. I hate bills, I hate money, I hate working, I hate cancer. Why is it that some people live perfect beautiful lifes, born into wealth, good looks, good health no problems and other have to struggle for ever? It’s not fair. I want to be free of everything, sleep is my only escape. Well, that’s my rant for the day, of to work I go. And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow…  ... View more

So, Sunday morning. The sun is out and today is okay. Went for a long casual walk to clear my head and it worked. Still feel tired and sore but better. Almost feel like the old me, almost. I just need to capitalise on the good days, know that their is some hope and relief after all this chaos. I’m reading more, about 2 books a week, less video games and tv. Cleaning more and preparing for my day/week. Throwing away unwanted stuff I no longer use, it feels great to do so. Stuff I own tends to own me. I’m just ranting, emptying my head of unwanted information, that helps too. I try not to rush when going about my day, slow steady pace wins the race and letting go of things that are out of my control, which is hard, but I’m trying and learning. It’s okay to be lost, scared, angry. anxious. It means I’m alive, the cancer didn’t kill me and I get to see another day. Your a long time dead, so make the best of a bad situation my fellow warriors. I am proud of everyone of you.   ... View more

Thanks Miranda, I’ve tried antidepressants, talking to doctors, cancer caregivers ect. None of those things work, my brain is hard wired to be independent so it’s hard relying on others for help. I will get through this, sharing my story and daily struggles help. I guess I’ve not had a proper break from it all. 2 and half weeks after my surgery I was back at work, Looking back that was stupid. The doctor told to have 3 months rest, again that’s my old self being stubborn. Same with chemo, worked non stop throughout it all. I must be burnt out, it’s hard to stop my old ways, 29 years of solid work has made me a robot. Again I will keep moving forward, although I feel like I’m falling behind. ... View more

If I could just get over the physical pain and lack of energy I know the clouds in my head will clear. Your right about the exercise, it’s a temporary fix, cold showers help. Everyone around me has moved on but I feel like I’m still trapped in the cancer whirlwind. Am I just being a bitch, moaning all the time. At work it’s like it never happened, and they expect me to be 100 percent efficient which is impossible, I can barely get out of bed in the morning and when I get home from work I crawl on the floor in pain. I just don’t know anymore. But I am still fighting, I still get out of bed, go to work, take care of things. The old me won’t give up. When it gets to much I find a quiet spot by myself and raise my middle fingers in the air and scream fuck off. That’s my therapy for the day, it helps. ... View more