Blogs - Page 103

At 4.40am yesterday morning (22/2/13), my husband took his final breath. I was with him until the end, and I know that he is in peace now. I spent some time today with the funeral director and walking around the crematorium finding a beautiful final resting place. Trying to get the eulogy and funeral details sorted, but I'm not in a good head pace right now.

Scheduled for surgery in March 2009. Being a tough as old boots I just get partner to drop me off and come see me the following evening. But fate intervened, and he appeared in my post surgery haze telling me that the surgery had to be stopped as the cancer was more widespread than appeared, and pathologist bought in to view results thought breast cancer cells were making an appearance. Great! Original specialist drops in to say 'this isnt what we wanted to hear' and charges me for the appointment!

Results: tumour deep within the limbic system. Inoperable. It's not the end. It's not the beginning of the end. Perhaps it's the end of the beginning?!. Jo

Except CANCER!!! FEAR of what happens after diagnosis. FEAR of treatment.. FEAR of that next investigation scan. FEAR of the time that you seemed to be doing nothing. FEAR of how people react to you, strangers in a shop or your work mates or boss. Do they shake your hand or do they look at you with pitty and slide away as quickly as they can. FEAR being left behind.

Realised I probably need to cut the long story short and focus on the lowlights and highlights! Having gone through the X-ray, ultrasound and CT scan, and having the doctor ri going me urgently (always a worrying sign) it was fairly clear that it was suspected I had lung cancer. Time to start talki g to partner about it, having kept quiet for the precious 2 weeks. So during dinner on the Friday night I turned off the tv and uttered those scary words 'we need to talk'. A few tears were shed, the only ones ever shed in fact.

Well, I'm 4 years in with Stage 4 lung cancer. And we all know there is no stage 5. I have been tempted a number of times to start a blog but it always seemed too hard. Plus I wondered whether I had anything useful to say. But this site seems to make it easy, and I guess after 4 years, heading into my 5th, I must have something useful to say surely! But what are my motivations I wonder? I guess like all of us I have a story to tell. And the need to reach out to others who understand that this new 'normal' can be a very strange place.