Blogs - Page 124

This time last year I was desperate to find out what was wrong with my husband. Staggering, slurring his words sending incomprehensible texts and emails. Friends were telling me to get him to the doctor, they couldn't see how hard it was for me to convince him that there was a problem. Finally I talked him into coming to the doctor with me after his left side facial muscles sagged. She wasn't sure what was wrong but listened to me when I pushed to see a neurologist.

My mother passed away from Stomach Cancer on 12 August (2 & 1/2 month ago). Her months of suffering and her death are haunting me in the way of flashbacks and constant nightmares.

I don't know how many times I've been told to get over cancer its certainly a loss that sticks wih you forever. The hardest thing is losing my dad at a young age I was 3 my sisters were 1 & 5 it's so sad that I don't remember his voice or what his faveroite colours are. Grief has affected me and the ones I know differently my dad named me so grief is always a lingering thing it's a mind blurr and you start to panic and break down crying. My mum cries around my dads family

I was supposed to get The News on Tuesday but the receptionist mucked up my appointment - hard to see a doctor at Westmead on the day he has his clinic at Wahroonga. So Thursday became the new day! We were already aware that things were not good my urologist had passed me further up the food chain as he had no experience in dealing with where my cancer was heading. But the cancer was still just a red mark, all be it ugly. not too different from where we'd started 18 months ago and there were ways to deal with it.

My husband, John, was diagnosed with a GBM in January this year. He had surgery to remove the tumour then two days later had a massive bleed into the operation site leaving him paralyzed down the left side. After a week in hospital he was transferred to rehab where he spent two weeks learning how to walk and talk again. He worked hard at getting the use of his left side back and could walk a little with a quad stick when he came home. Had our home assessed and got in a both chair, toilet chair, wheelchair etc.... Started radiation/Temodal in March (30 days of rads & 42 days of chemo).

i feel guilty.. guilty that i want this to be over... guilty that i feel relieved when im alone now.. i know i'l regret it when it happens but im constantly worrying about him, worrying he wont take meds... worrying about when his next 'tantrum' will errupt... he is no longer emotinally available to me.. yet i have to be to him and myself and both families! its crazy... am i wrong for saying that? i cant stop feeling guilty and i hate it.. when i find myself doing something and relaxing my mind thinks 'oh no how can u be happy when he is at home in agony..".. hmmm