Blogs - Page 139

Had my forth session on Wednesday. No. 3 the doctor dropped off the blarmison or what ever it's called. The B of the ABVD (for Hodgkins lymphoma). This was due to my lung function test, I'm still stuffed up and healing from the lung surgery. This last treatment I got a minor cold, runny nose and mild sore throat which thankfully didn't progress into anything more. My bloods came back borderline on low. Neutrophils were 1.5, hb was 111, I started with 136 and my platelets have always even higher than normal at around 478. This time they were 'normal' for the first time at 346.

So it's been a couple of weeks since I posted a link to my blog.I guess it has alot to do with the fact that I wrote this next blog post when my hair fell out from the chemo. The girl I was with at the time thought I looked so handsome with no hair. Even though we are no longer together and I have since moved on from that, it still reminds me of a time when I thought I was going to be with that person forever . But things are not like that and i am happy, I just struggled to post this because it takes me back to a time when having Cancer was beautiful and bad both at the same time.

So after a whole lot of dicking around... i was set to land back in sydney on monday BUT there was a massive thunderstorm and i missed my connection in Dallas. I had to stay in a hotel (a very nice one at the expense of American Airlines LOL) till my next possible flight out at 9:55pm the next evening. So i didnt actually get home till tuesday morning. It was strange being home for the first time since loosing my dad, and it still upsets me that during this all i had to say goodbye to nick again because with such short notice he couldnt get the time off to come with me.

A rant from a weary mum I write this, tears streaming down my face as I try to get my seven year old to succumb to sleep.....it has been 10 o'clock every night this week....I'm tired and tonight I snapped and yelled and slammed doors. My husband has been pretty much comatose for weeks..... Only gets up to heat up his heat bag or have a cigarette- yes you heard me.....he has cancer and he's still smoking....he's dying and he's still smoking....does my head in!!!

Last night my partner asked if I could take today off from work. I asked whether he was sick. If so, I will take a day off. He said no, he just wants me home with him. I would very much like to spend all my time with him but I am the only one doing the work and earning money to feed us both. I do not think I can afford to stop working. I have some saving money but not a lot and I do not know if there will be other things/services that I have to pay to provide the best care for him. Avastin took a big chunk out of my saving already.

I'd like to say thank you to those of you who commented on my first blog entry. It certainly does help to know that I can say what I feel and at least someone will understand where I am coming from but the question I ask myself is why do I sugar coat my fears to other people? We had some friends around on Sunday and one friend just sat to one side with me and asked me how I was feeling......oh...the bravado!