Blogs - Page 273

I went and visited with my Dad today. I have four children at home, so we all went over. He came out of his room and sat with us and I feel it was good for him, he was smiling and every one that he has is precious. I spent a little time with my Dad on my own, I wanted to ask him so many questions, mainly about how he was feeling, but he has never been easy to talk to about such things and even cancer cannot change him. I feel he has given up, accepting that there is nothing more to be done and now all he does is wait.

Life, a magic carpet ride full of wonder, adventure and excitement. Minor instability offset by laughter and new discovery, until major turbulence throws us off the magic carpet and we are falling, terrified, separated and searching for a safe landing. There is no safe landing: below us is a volcano, its fatal interior exploding and bubbling, sending hot ribbons of destruction to cover the mountain. We are no longer casual observers; we have been dropped into the confusion. It is difficult to see clearly, it is impossible to think clearly.

We used to line up metal bottle tops on the steel tracks that ran along the railway bridge over the Yarra. Then we'd run down the tracks and off the bridge before a train approached. After a train went past we'd venture out onto the bridge again and collect the flattened bottle tops and use them as Ninja weapons. You flicked them like mini Frisbees. They went a long way very fast. One afternoon we were too slow getting off the bridge. The two of us jumped out of the way and huddled together, pushing ourselves against an upright support centimetres from the passing train.

I have just found out that the doctors have given my Father 3mths to remain in this world! I cannot process this, how does he sleep, how does he do anything menial? I cannot help but think about how he is feeling. I don't know what to do, I want to help him but I don't know how. I want to sit at my Dads side and tell him that we will fix this, but I can't. I want to yell at the doctors and tell them they are idiots and cruel! I want to make them do something! I don't know what to do except cry.

There is nothing better some nights. Everything including the enamel is destined to be put together and cooked slowly for a long time. And the way she does the risotto is heavenly. I just thought you all should know. H

I liked the phrase when I heard it thirteen years ago, but I won't use it in relation to myself now. It seems to apply to hard rubbish collections more than cancer recovery. What do you thnk? H