I’ve lost my Dad

[Tania10]

Hi Everyone 

Today is 2 weeks that my Dad passed away. He was diagnosed 8 weeks ago, we had no idea at the time that he had cancer, neither did he. His prognosis was 2-6 weeks to live. We (my mum, myself & 3 sisters) took him home and cared for him.  The last few days with him were beyond heartbreaking. I feel like I detached a little “this isn’t Dad” it got me through. After his prognosis we all fell apart, crying, sobbing. I was suffering panic attack and anxiety for weeks. We pulled it together and got through and did such an amazing job caring for him, I’m really proud of my family. 

But now since Dad has gone I can’t cry. I haven’t been able to sob or scream like I thought I would.  Friends are sobbing for me, they are checking on me and asking am I okay? 

I don’t know how to answer. Yes I feel fine?? I don’t like to think about him not being here. I replay the last few weeks through my head but if I think about the future without him my brain just blocks it, I’m literally not able to process it. 

Im a wife and mother to 3, I’m also helping my sisters take care of my Mum. I need to stay busy so I can’t think. I distract myself at any chance I get before I start overthinking. I’m going back to work next week as I’ve had the last 10 weeks off. 

Why cant I cry? When will it actually hit me? Will I be numb forever. I don’t like to say he’s gone because I don’t believe he is. 

Xx 

[Budgie]

Hi Tania10,

I'm sorry for your loss.  It's never easy when you lose a loved one.    We all grieve differently, but you need to grieve & not hide it away.  You may have already done some of your grieving after his prognosis??   I don't know, but it does sound like you need to speak with someone, especially if your mind is blocking out your father's death.  Not much good could come of deferring it.   Try not to distract yourself from the thought of your father's death, but instead embrace it and see what happens.  It sounds like you have a very supportive & caring family around you, so you will have a lot of help when you need it, I think.

I wish you all the best

Budgie

[BJO67]

Hi Tania10

So sorry to hear about your dad.

It was so sudden from his diagnosis to his passing that you are still trying to process it.

My partner died 7 weeks ago. The days I dont cry I feel guilty as if I should be...

Then out of the blue it happens.

I feel guilty everytime I catch myself laughing with friends.....as if I should be grieving more.

You are so busy with life as a mum..sister and daughter.

Be kind to yourself.

If you aren't crying it doesnt mean you didnt love your dad. Probably like me you can look at photos or videos and they make you feel happy and at peace. Thats ok too.

Sending you a big hug....

[NaomiW]

Hi Tania10. I hear you. I lost my 34 year old husband to Stage 4 Bowel Cancer last month. He was diagnosed at the beginning of last year. We had a bit of time, but with all the medical appointments, and having to look after our 2 year old, it was harrowing to say the least. As strong as he was, he couldn't win with this. He tried so hard. So even though it's different situations, I feel your pain. I almost feel guilty when I don't cry, but I've spent the last 2 years crying and trying to keep it in at the same time. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, spiritually. And I still have my 2 year old to think about. Life just isn't fair.

In terms of not crying, don't think about it. Just let whatever comes, to come. I'm learning that grieving is different for everyone. Some people go through the stages in order, others, like me, go through them over and over and over again. Repeatedly. So what's going to come, will come. Just give yourself time to feel it.

I get what you mean about keeping busy. It's a coping mechanism. Don't think about it, and you won't get emotional. Maybe that's why you aren't crying. You aren't giving yourself time to reflect, and to grieve like you need to. See if you can get family members to look after the kids for a time, perhaps on a regular basis, and do what you need to to grieve.

Hugs to you.

[Tania10]

Thank you,I have found moments when I’m alone is when I tend to think and reality sets in. Thanks for your reply, I appreciate xx

[Karralacey]

Hi, I feel the same like is this how I grieve. Is this it. I dont cry much and feel bad for it. I'm hurting though. I was caring for my dad for nearly 12 months before he passed away nearly 3 weeks ago
Big hugs x

[Misty86]

So much of your story hits home for me and it was what I needed t

• o find!

I recently lost my father very quickly as well. Diagnosed 6th May 2021 passed  15th June 2021.

I cried when we knew our time was running short, when he passed and the funeral. I was able to kind of turn off when we got home and I had to help sort meds out. And like you said near the end switch off and do what needs to be done. because well im sorry but our parents had to do those things for us when we wouldn't. 

I'm at loss with 'not grieving right'. I feel more numb then typical grief. Spend most of the day in bed sleeping.

I think all our reactions are right for us.  I think I'm still in the shock stage due to how quick and horrible was.

I hope you are doing better (what ever that may be) x

[MyheroCoolSpy]

Sorry to hear your Dad's loss. The reason you can't cry is because him dying didn't yet sink in your mind. In layman's term , there is no yet acceptance. I have a friend who lost his father too but, not in cancer. It took her at least 3 months before crying. What you are undergoing is normal , just give more time for yourself to internalize everything.

[debmc1]

I hope you can find peace and comfort and know that although strangers, there are people out here who care for your heart. sending you strength

[gen823]

Hi,

My mum passed away 2 weeks today and i feel nearly exactly like you do. She had a long battle with cancer until 5 weeks ago when were told that there was no more treatment and just make here "comfortable".

My mum was my person, my best friend, my anchor. People keep checking on me and asking if i'm ok and i mostly am, it feels weird to not be balled up in the corner sobbing for such a loss, but i have 2 kids and run a business and you kind of just have to keep going. I agree that your brain sort of blocks it away for you somehow, until you're ready or something. I have had a few sad moments here and there, but I feel like I'm still in shock - or like I can just drop into her house tomorrow and she'll be there... Death is such a strange thing to process. Just take your time and be gentle with yourself. one day at a time. one moment at a time. I have been writing letters to my mum when i want to tell her something and putting them in a box - i may burn these all at a later date but maybe that's something you could do that might help get some feelings out?

best of luck moving forward

X